The Official List of Unofficial Rules
by Saphura
Summary: When a new crew member joins the Enterprise, they are sent a set of rules they won't find anywhere else.
1. Chapter 1

I've seen these done for the Star Trek 2009 movie, and decided that the Original Series needed one, so I'm trying my hand at it. Tell me what you think, I have more of these ready to go. Please note that I am trying to come up with these on my own, and not copying them from other people or anything along those lines. If there are any similarities, I apologize, they are unintended.

* * *

"What's this?"

"Hey, I got one too!"

"Same."

A group of three new Ensigns were checking there messages, and found they all had the same message. A Lieutenant walked by.

"What are you all looking at?" he asked.

"The Official List of Unofficial Rules of the USS Enterprise;" an Ensign replied. "Seems we all got it."

"That's because you're new around here;" the Lieutenant replied. "The crew sends that list out to all the newbies when the first arrive, and update it every once in a while for the rest of us."

"So it's a ship-wide thing?" a second Ensign asked.

"Yep. These are the rules they don't tell you about." The Lieutenant smiled. "I'd suggest you follow them. Most of the rules are from personal experience."

"Let's see what other rules we need to learn;" the third Ensign said as the Lieutenant walked away. The three opened the message and began to read...

The Official List of Unofficial Rules of the USS Enterprise

1. When you re-materialize, it is unnecessary for you to make sure you have all your body parts. We are pretty sure you would know if something was missing.

2. Making sound effects when using the transporter are unnecessary, childish, and makes you sound stupid.

3. When ever Kirk, Spock, McCoy, (or any male crew member for that matter) re-materializes, do not start singing "It's Rainin' Men".

4. Do not drink any of the Doctor's bourbon without permission.

5. Do **not** take any of Scotty's liquor without permission. Especially his scotch.

6. Do not mess with Kirk's coffee.

7. Do **not** challenge Scotty or Chekov to a drinking game. And do **not** challenge them both at the same time. It will end badly.

8. Do not call McCoy up-tight, snippy, grumpy, an old coot, gramps, hypo man, or anything other than Doc, Doctor, Dr. McCoy, McCoy, or Bones.

Note: Unless you're Captain Kirk, don't call Dr. McCoy 'Bones'.

9. Kirk is not the most important person in the universe. His ego is big enough already, don't give him any new ideas.

10. There is no "shotgun" seat on a Starship, so don't call it.

11. Do not use Sulu's foils to make shish kabobs, and don't use the warp engines to cook said shish kabobs.

12. Captain Kirk is not "The Man", so don't "stick it to him" (even if you want to).

13. Making finger pistols when phasers or photon torpedoes are fired is inappropriate and childish. Especially on the Bridge.

14. Do not give ratings on the resulting explosions of a destroyed ship. It is highly frowned upon.

15. Spock is not an elf.

16. Nor is he a computer, so don't ask him where his access port is.

17. Do not make fun of Chekov's accent.

18. Do not make fun of Scott's accent.

19. **Do not** call Mr. Scott 'English' or 'British'. He is Scottish, there is a difference.

20a. The transporter is not a toy. It is an important piece of equipment that should not be abused.

20b. If you break it, report the problem to Mr. Scott right away. Do not try and fix it yourself even if you are in engineering.

* * *

Keeping it short for now! I'll update it in a day or two, promise!


	2. Chapter 2

Hello. Here's a few more. This is actually fun. I've decided to do twenty-or-so of these a day. I have a pretty big list so far, and ideas keep you have any ideas, I'll take them into consideration.

* * *

21. Do **not**, under any circumstances, insult the _Enterprise_ in Scott's presence. You will be sorry.

22. Don't insult the _Enterprise_ in Captain Kirk's presence either, for that matter.

23. Do not argue with Chekov when he says something was invented in Russia. You probably won't win, or make him change his opinion.

24. Do not stand on the front of the Bridge, face the view screen, and yell "I'm king of the world!"

25. The brig is not to be used as a "time-out zone"; no matter how much someone needs a time-out.

26a. The Jefferies tubes are not to be used for mega games of hide-and-seek

26b. Or manhunt.

26c. Or kick-the-can.

26d. Or paintball.

27. Do not use the Jefferies Tube for make-out sessions either.

28. Ensign Chekov is in his twenties, he is not a baby.

29. Don't ruffle his hair.

30. Do not use the communication's station for prank calls. They know the calls come from the _Enterprise_.

31. It is impossible to keep something secret for more than a week or two. Most likely, someone will find out in less time.

32. Do not set personalized "ring-tones" for Admirals, other Starships, Klingons, Romulans, or anyone else who calls the _Enterprise_ often.

33. Do not program the computer to play "Womanizer" whenever the Captain steps onto the Bridge. Or into his quarters. It was funny once, and we have a video, we don't need it happening again.

34. Do not flirt with the nurses in front of Dr. McCoy.

35. Same goes for the female engineers in front of Scotty.

36. And the girls on the Bridge in front of Captain Kirk.

37. Just don't flirt with people in front of your commanding officers.

38. Don't flirt with aliens while on an away mission or shore leave. You don't know what will come of it: the best sex ever or interstellar war.

39. Do not put super glue on Lt. Uhura's ear piece.

40. No whoopee cushions. Especially on the Bridge and on the Captain's chair.

41. The Prime Directive should be followed, but is apparently optional for the _Enterprise_.

42. **THE PRIME DIRCTIVE IS NOT OPTIONAL. THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS TO THIS.**

43. Apparently I was wrong about the Prime Directive and the _Enterprise_.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Chapter 3

Yay Saturday! Granted my Saturdays are probably different from yours, but I love them just the same.

* * *

44. Lt. Uhura is not a radio DJ and will not take song requests.

45. The brig is not to be used as a "sobering zone". If you have a hangover, stay in you quarters or go see Dr. McCoy.

46. Mr. Scott does not have a personal still. Such a still is not located on Deck 10 at the end of a service Jefferies tube. Don't go looking for it.

47. Even if he did, he would not share the liquor with you. Nor would he sell it to you for fifteen credits a bottle.

48. Dr. McCoy will not "kiss it better". He will kick you out of Sick Bay if you ask.

49. If you don't know what it is or what it does, DON'T TOUCH IT!

50. Chair jousting in the halls is not allowed.

51. Do not make fun/ take advantage of the fact that girls have to wear short skirts as part of their uniform.

52. Do join the partition to make Starfleet change the female uniform.

53. Engineering, Sick Bay, and the Bridge are not suitable places to hold raves.

54. Do not call Mr. Scott's kilt a skirt, or his bagpipes an "awful noise machine".

55. When Kirk returns from an away mission, don't ask him if he landed the girl.

56. Don't send the Captain STD self-tests. He does not find it very funny (neither does McCoy).

57. Do not try and play Spock's Vulcan Lyre, it won't end well for anybody's ears.

58. Do not screw up diplomatic events. Starting an interstellar war does not look good on your résumé.

59. No paper airplanes on the Bridge. Even during Gamma Shift.

60. "Red shirt" is a demeaning nickname. Please stop calling people that.

61. Putting on makeup is not a suitable excuse as to why you are late to your shift.

62. When Sulu follows an order to send the ship into warp, don't play the "Speed Racer" theme.

63. Stop trying to grow pot in the botanical gardens and pass it off as a Soris plant from Legon V.

64. Don't use lab equipment to cook your own food.

65. Do not use the Science Labs to play "mad scientist".

66a. Unless you are in the Science Department or you have permission or an actual reason to be in the Science Labs, you should not be in the Science Labs.

66b. Same with Sick Bay.

66c. And Engineering.

66d. And the Bridge.

66e. Stay in your own department area unless you have an actual reason to go to/ be in another department.


	4. Chapter 4

Hello again! So happy to have some readers (I know you're out there, even if you don't review). I will admit, I got the idea for one or two of these from other lists of this kind. And some were inspired by the new movie, but I suppose these could work for the movie as well.

* * *

67. Food fights in the mess hall are banned. If you start one… you don't want to know.

68. Should a food fight start, however, don't turn the replicators into food cannons.

69. Dr. McCoy does not have his own form of martial arts called "Bones-jitsu" that uses hypo-sprays as its weapon of choice. Thus, he is not a master in such an art (no matter what the Captain says).

70. No trick-or-treating or caroling around the ship.

71. "Speak Like a Pirate Day" is not a real holiday.

72. Do not pin bull-eyes on the back of Security personnel's shirts.

73. If you hate small or closed in spaces, flying, close quarters with other people, you get homesick easily, or all of the above, you should not be working on a Starship.

74a. Lt. Jose Martinez is a fag.

74b. No he is not.

75a. Lt. George Weston is a fag.

75b. No he is not

76a. Would you two stop it and make up already?

76b. Fine. Sorry Jose.

76c. It's okay George, I'm sorry too.

77a. This List is not to be used as a message board. Please stop.

(Rules 77b-77ag deleted)

78. Captain Kirk does not have the magical ability to talk computers to death. He has no magical abilities what so ever.

79. Mr. Spock has no magical abilities either.

80. Dr. McCoy does not make house calls (unless he deems it absolutely necessary, which is rare), so drag your ass down to Sick Bay yourself or with help from friends.

81. Do not use Starbook while on duty.

82. Don't shop for stuff on the stellar web while on duty.

83. If you forget the code to get into your room, using a phaser to open the door is not an acceptable alternative method of getting in.

84. Do not make Chekov say "nuclear vessels" more than necessary. He hates it, and doesn't see why it's so funny.

85. Don't post flyers through out the ship when it is someone's birthday.

86. There is no such thing as "Casual Fridays" on a Starship.

87. Do not tell a superior officer to "chill".


	5. Chapter 5

Hey all. More of you are reviewing! Yay! I like this a lot! Sorry this chapter is being published so late, I've had a long day. Not that I'm running out of ideas or anything (honest, I'm not), but if you readers out there have any ideas, tell me. I'll give you credit for them. I've had a request for Tribbles, which unfortunately didn't make it into this chapter. Trust me, I have rules on Tribbles…

And holy crap, I hit 100! Woot!

* * *

88. Dr. McCoy is a Doctor, nothing more and nothing less.

89. Don't reprogram other people's doors so they can't get into their quarters.

90. Don't give Mr. Spock chocolate. Just… don't.

91. Do not go climbing around the pipes in Engineering singing the Super Mario theme song.

92. Sulu's katana is not the "Master Sword".

93. Slipping any colored hair die into a superior officer's (or any officer's for that matter) shampoo is not allowed (again, we have pictures, so don't replicate)

94. Stop with the elevator music in the turbo-lifts.

95. Converse high-tops are not proper uniform attire.

96. Falling asleep while on duty is bad.

97. Don't send Captain Kirk "new and improved" uniform shirts. Yes, his shirts get ripped a lot for some reason, but he has his own supply.

98. Using the Red Alert klaxon to wake someone up for their shift is no longer permitted (even if said person is the Captain).

99. Stop trying to "pimp out" the Shuttle-crafts. They are Starfleet property, and you could get Court Marshaled for it.

100. While someone is negotiating with Klingons, Romulans, hostile aliens in general, do not mutter insults under your breath. They might hear you.

101. Dr. McCoy is not "hypo-happy". Stop implying that he is.

102. Don't put super glue on the station chairs on the Bridge (again, we have a video).

103. Do not set up your own "radio station" using sub-space channels. Even if the music is really good.

104. Team Edward all the way!

105. Team Jacob rules!

106. The _Twilight Saga_ is hereby banned from the _Enterprise_. Any copies found will be ejected into outer space and/or incinerated on the spot via phaser firing squad.

107. Please see Rule #77a.

108. Setting up obstacle courses in the hallways is no longer permitted.


	6. Chapter 6

Oh dear, I forgot to update the last few days! Sorry about that, I've been really busy with my non-writing life. Anyway, I make it up to you my loyal readers! Me promise! See, I add extra Rules!

I've had requests from J0j2 and konarciq for more references to episodes, and tribbles; so I added a few. This will have to satisfy you all for now, I won't be able to update again for a few days.

* * *

109. Do not open interplanetary talks with "Greetings, (insert specie's name here), we come in peace. Take us to your leader".

110. Just because you don't like the paint color in your quarters, does not entitle you to repaint your walls a different color.

111. Time travel is to be preferably avoided; unless absolutely necessary.

112. Just because you overslept does not entitle you to where pajamas to your shift, even if you are half-dressed in your uniform.

113. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock are not an "item".

114. Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy are not an "item".

115. Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock are not an "item", even if they fight like an old married couple.

116. Sulu and Chekov are not an "item" either.

117. Don't tell your parents the reason you didn't call sooner was… well, what normally happens to this ship. Just say communication channels were down or something.

118. Some things that happen on the _Enterprise _should stay on the _Enterprise_ (_you know what we mean_).

119. Do not hold "tribble shows" in the Rec. room.

120. The song "I'll Take You Home Again, Kathleen" is banned from the _Enterprise_ (this means you, Riley).

121. If anyone brings that up again, I swear to God I will punch them out. Same with Sulu, only he will skewer you with one of his foils.

122a. Please see Rule #77a.

122b. Screw Rule #77a!

123. Granted the _Enterprise_ does not have a flagpole, you are not allowed to find alternative means of hanging people's unmentionables in public places.

124. Do not hang Christmas ornaments on the plants in the Botany Lab. Some of them may try and eat them.

125. No streaking in the hallways. Please.

126. Do not tack up pink fuzzy dice above the view screen on the Bridge.

127. The Bridge is not to be called "Camelot", and Captain Kirk is not King Arthur.

128. Do not re-program your door so certain higher-ups can't get in.

129a. Do not self-diagnose, that is Dr. McCoy's job.

129b. Don't self-prescribe drugs either.

130. Taking short-cuts through the Romulan Neutral Zone is a really, really bad idea and is **not **recommended.

131. Even though Yeoman Rand's hair-do looks like something out of _Star Wars_, don't make fun of it.

132. The turbo-lift is not to be referred to as a "warp pipe".

133. Stop making fun of the fact Chekov has a problem with pronouncing 'V' sounds. It's not his fault.

134. Stop sending out notices when Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock have arguments that tell people to stay clear.

135. Mr. Spock is not a Jedi.


	7. Chapter 7

Hey everybody! So I've decided I have to space these out, so I will update this periodically, but not every day. The standard shall remain 20. Thank you to _Freythefrog_ for submitting a few ideas (and one was really obvious, I'm surprised I didn't put it in the first part!). Without further ado, here we go.

Not sure if I'll keep the Ensigns up. They will only show up every once in a while, just for fun.

* * *

Ensigns Sorren, O'Shea, and Billings walked along the hall towards the Rec. Room.

"So do we have to know all of these along with the actual rules?" Sorren asked, waving a PADD.

"No, Kyle, we don't;" O'Shea replied. "Have you read half of these? They're jokes!"

"True, but I went on StarTube the other day to look up some videos;" Billings added.

"And?" the other two asked.

Billings broke out into a huge grin. "Captain Kirk flipped when his speakers started playing 'Womanizer'.."

"No way!"

"Way;" Billings said.

"Wow, whoever did that…" Sorren whistled.

"Well, I saw the obstacle course;" O'Shea said. "Mr. Scott almost got taken out by…"

Sorren's PADD buzzed with a new message. "Don't look now guys, but we got some new ones!"

* * *

136. Don't send Spock flowers with a card that says they are from Nurse Chapel.

137. No more tribble beauty contests.

138. When someone is running because they are late for something, do not yell after them "Run, Forest! Run!"

139. Do not send messages to Starfleet Command in "dead" languages or fake languages, (i.e. Latin, Old and Middle English, Pig Latin, Na'vi(?)), just Standard.

140. Stop cooking food with the warp engines. Especially marshmallows.

141. Though Dr. McCoy is a doctor and only a doctor (nothing else), he does accept that, every once in a while, he is a miracle worker.

142a. Do not say "engage" after the Captain gives the order to go to warp.

142b. Same with "punch it".

143. Don't switch the hypo-sprays in McCoy's med-kit around.

144. When Klingons or Romulans appear, do not play the Imperial March over the ship's intercom system.

145. *Do not tell Scotty his bagpipes sound like a dying animal unless you have a death wish.

146. No one is allowed to insult Mr. Spock openly except Dr. McCoy (and vice versa).

147. Unless you want your ass kicked, don't challenge Sulu to a fencing match.

148. Play performances are allowed in the Rec. room. However, you may not put on a production of _Hamlet_.

149a. After an intense showdown of some sort involving the _Enterprise_ and something/someone who means the ship and her crew harm, do not say "dude, that was awesome!"

149b. Don't say "let's do that again" either.

150. Holiday decorations should not be put up in the halls or public places without permission first; but are allowed in private quarters.

151. Don't call Mr. Scott Monty Python, even though his first name is Montgomery. Or make any references of the "Crazy Scot" from said movie.

152. Do **not** call Captain Kirk "Herbert".

153. Do not go to your shift drunk or hung over.

154. Stop trying to sell the _Enterprise _on eBay. Seriously, What the (content edited)?

155. Drag races with shuttle-crafts are no longer permitted.

* * *

"eBay?" O'Shea gasped. "Some tried to do that?"

"Apparently;" Sorren replied. "Though how they…"

"Wait, here comes another one!" Billings said.

1. Chuck Norris vs. Captain Kirk: Chuck Norris hands down (sorry Captain).

2. Chuck Norris vs. Spock: again, Chuck Norris. But put Captain Kirk on Spock's team, then it would be Spock and the Captain.

3. Chuck Norris vs. the _Enterprise_: this isn't even a contest, _Enterprise_ all the way!

The three Ensigns all looked at each other. "_What?_"

* * *

Okay, that last part, I had to add it. It came to me in the middle of practice the other day after a similar Chuck Norris argument with a friend (it had nothing to do with Star Trek), and I could just see it happening. I am not settling anything; you are free to your own opinions on the matter.


	8. Chapter 8

Hello again. I'm so glad everyone is enjoying these, sometimes I star laughing while typing. It's fun. Anyways, in honor of my Christmas vacation starting (and having a decent wireless signal in five days), I give you more Rules! Christmas themed ones, sort of. A few are. What ever; here we go.

Fun fact: Chapter 7 of The Official List has exactly 777 words. Ironic, no?

* * *

156a. Don't play "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" when Mr. Spock walks into a room. He is not a Grinch.

156b. Same with Dr. McCoy. Granted he's often in a bad mood, but doing that will make it worse.

157. Do not read _The Night Before Christmas_ over the ship communication system. And don't broadcast it across sub-space channels.

158f. Mistletoe is not allowed on the Bridge.

158b. Or Sickbay.

158c. Or Engineering.

158d. Or the Science Labs.

158e. Or major corridors. The Rec. Room is open to mistletoe, however. Just don't go crazy.

159. Do not set up super slip-and-slides in the shuttle hangar bay.

160. Do not import snow from an ice planet on board just so you can have a snowball fight, make a snowman, make a snow-angel, etc.

161. Do not fill the Captain's room with tribbles.

162. Food and drink is not allowed at work stations (except coffee).

163. When beaming off ship, first make sure your intended target location is actually there.

164. Do not adjust the climate control systems in public places to mimic the current climate of your home planet.

165. Who ever is leaving the flowers on Captain Kirk's chair, please stop. He's getting really upset.

166. Do not leave flowers on Captain Kirk's chair.

167. You cannot hire someone to do your shift for you.

168. Kindly disband the betting pool of when Nurse Chapel will finally ask Spock out.

169. Do not restock the weapons lockers with "Bang!" phasers.

170. Stop asking Chekov if he "can see Alaska from his house".

171. Don't touch Spock's ears. We know it's tempting, but he hates it (yes he's a Vulcan, but yes, he hates it).

172. Stop trying to get pizza delivered to the _Enterprise_. It won't work, and drives the pizza people crazy.

173. When beaming up, do not click your heels three times and say "there's no place like home. There's no place like home". You look really stupid doing it.

174. Do not put chewed gum under work stations and consoles. Please.

175. Stop asking Scotty to build a lightsaber. He tried it once, and it failed epically (we have video).

* * *

If anyone gets #170, I will love them forever and a half.


	9. Chapter 9

Merry Christmas one and all (Happy Holidays if you don't celebrate Christmas). My present to you is more Rules. Aren't you glad you don't have to follow them?

Seems most people got #170; thus I love you all forever and a half.

* * *

176. Do not spike the eggnog at the ship's Christmas party.

177. Mr. Scott will not sell you his special eggnog for ten credits.

178. No in-laws without permission first.

179. Do not shoot fruit cake out of the torpedo launch tubes.

180. Mr. Spock is a Vulcan, he is not Jewish (no matter what that ancient Adam Sandler song says).

181. Captain Kirk does not wish to disclose his religious beliefs. Stop assuming he too is Jewish due to said Adam Sandler song in #180.

182. Replicators will not give you a "martini; shaken not stirred", so don't ask.

183. Do not throw rocks. They might explode.

184. Christmas sweaters are not allowed when you are on duty (especially on the Bridge).

185. Holiday decorations are allowed in private quarters and the Rec. Room. Do not string lights along the hallways.

186. Making gingerbread cookies and giving them all red shirts is in_ really_ bad taste (even if the cookies are yummy).

187a. When you are told to do something by a superior officer, "that's what she said" is not the way to respond. Especially if that officer is a guy.

187b. "You want me to do _what?_" and "why?" are not acceptable answers either.

187c. Nor is "do it your self".

188. Dr. McCoy makes a mean mint julep. If you're nice to him, and are a good patient, he may make you one.

189. *Don't try and increase the warp speed just because you are late for a date with your girlfriend/boyfriend.

190. Yes, Klingons hate tribbles. No, you cannot use tribbles as weapons against Klingons.

191. Do not attach a fake red nose and antlers on the outer hull of the _Enterprise_. Same with elf ears.

192. Stop showing porno movies in the Rec. Room.

193a. Antique weapons are not allowed on board. That being said, you are not allowed to use them in the firing range.

193b. Rule #193a applies only to projectile weapons. Swords (fencing foils) are allowed as long as they are not thrown (happy now, Sulu?).

194. When Mr. Scott talks about the _Enterprise_ as his ship and such, do not respond "well if you love her so much, why don't you marry her?".

195. No plants on the Bridge, especially ones that spew stuff (poinsettias are fine this time of year, however).

196. Do not greet Dr. McCoy with "Eh, what's up, Doc?"

* * *

Looks like I will hit 200 next time! Exciting much!


	10. Chapter 10

Happy New Year everybody! Yay! Woot! Okay, I'm done. Or not. WE HIT 200 PEOPLE! YAY! Okay, _now _I'm done.

* * *

Grant O'Shea practically stumbled into the Rec. Room. It was Earth's New Years' Day on the _Enterprise_, and the entire human population of the ship had celebrated the night before. Lt. Uhura and Scotty had managed to get a (relatively) live feed from Times Square in New York City.

"Over here, Grant, we got you your coffee;" Fiona Billings said. Grant fell down at the table, and downed the coffee.

"Have fun last night?" Kyle Sorren asked.

"Yeah, fun;" O'Shea grunted. "It wasn't my fault that fight started. Why did I clean up?"

"I have a feeling it was because you were the closest one Giotto could grab;" Billings replied. "At least you didn't have an early shift. Rule #96."

O'Shea glared at her. Suddenly, Sorren's PADD chirped as a new message came in.

He grinned as he saw the message. "Speaking of Rules, let's see what we can't do next year."

* * *

197a. *Don't try and imitate Chekov's accent, it's not a funny party joke any more.

197b. *Same with Mr. Scott's.

198. No more fireworks displays in the shuttle hangar bay.

199. Silly-string is hereby banned from Engineering. Anyone with a can will be kicked out of Engineering and have said can of silly-string shoved up their (content edited) (content edited) (content edited)! GOT IT?

200. During New Year's celebrations, crewmembers are limited to four glasses of champagne from now on.

201. When the order is given to Sulu to put the ship into warp, do not say "Let's roll, Kato."

202. Holiday music may not be played on public stations after the holidays are over.

203. Holiday decorations in public areas must be taken down by the end of the first week of the year.

204. Confetti bombs are no longer permitted in the halls, the Bridge, or Engineering.

205. Don't try and turn the _Enterprise_ into a New Years ball.

206. Phasers are not "Proton Packs". You cannot use them to "bust ghosts".

207. No more ship wide "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song sessions over the intercom system. We don't care how bored you are.

208. Granted Captain Kirk bears a striking resemblance to the late 20th early 21st century actor William Shatner, do not call the Captain "TJ Hooker".

209. Corbomite does not exist; don't go looking around the ship for it.

210. Do not use the ship's phasers to carve stuff into uninhabited planets and space rocks.

211. There is not a 'Crazy Hat Day'; thus you are not allowed to celebrate it.

212. Stop stealing Janice Rand's hairbrushes.

213. Do not call Sulu "Short Round" or "Shorty".

214. No jokes about evil twins; especially around the Captain.

215. All diplomats, even peaceful ones, can be pains in the ass and dangerous. Don't turn your back on them.

216. The _Enterprise_ is a state-of-the-art Starship. **NOT A TOY!

* * *

**

"Looks like this year is going to be interesting!" Billings said.

Sorren laughed. "It's always interesting on the Starship _Enterprise_!"

"You can say that again!" O'Shea added. "Come on, our shifts start in fifteen."


	11. Chapter 11

So it's been over a week since I last updated these, and it will probably be another week before I do it again. Input always appreciated!

* * *

217. When firing a photon torpedo or the phasers, you do not need to yell "fire in the hole!"

218. Do not let Mr. Scott look after your dog.

219. Do not greet Nurse Chapel by saying "Heloooooo-o nurse!"

220. Captain Kirk does not have any kids (that he knows of), so stop asking him if he does.

221. The _Enterprise_'s computer is not HAL.

222. Do not reconfigure your communicator so that it resembles one of those cell phone things from the early 21st century.

223. When encountering a new planet, do not shout "Oh my gosh, it's Gothos!"

224. Don't tie up sub-space channels because you are missing your favorite show.

225. If you plan to give someone (namely the Captain) food as a gift, check with Dr. McCoy first about possible allergies.

226. Captain Kirk's theme song is not "Sexyback".

227. When it comes to Department Wars, no one is neutral.

228. The brig and interrogation rooms are not to be used as impromptu music rooms (ask permission first).

229. Do not "buzz" pre-warp planets with a shuttle-craft.

230. Do not "buzz" pre-warp planes with the _Enterprise_ either.

231. Do not hire Mr. Scott to play the bagpipes at the funeral of your pet goldfish (same with tribbles).

232. Do not attach a Jolly Roger flag to the outer hull of the _Enterprise_.

233. Do not program the computer to play "Witch Doctor" whenever Dr. McCoy walks into Sick Bay (we have video, do not repeat).

234. Stop performing "panty raids". Seriously guys, it's _really _immature and stupid.

235. Please leave the jury-rigging to the Engineers.

236. Do not pin a sign on the Captain's back that says "Kirk is a jerk".

237. Do not put ink on Spock's science station reader so it will give him raccoon eyes.

* * *

I admit I got the idea for Rule #228 from Bookdragon01's _Tales of a Security Chief Vol. III_. I'd recommend you read it, it's great stuff.


	12. Chapter 12

Hey everybody. Sorry it's been so long, I've been busy. Here are more Rules that I know we would all love to break.

* * *

238. Do not make bets on who the Captain will sleep with next.

239. Captain Kirk is not "that guy from that _Twilight Zone_ episode who sees something on the wing and goes crazy", even if there is some physical resemblance (haven't we covered this already?).

240. No more ice rinks in the hallways (how'd you manage that anyways?).

241. Codenames are not necessary for basic away missions.

242. Do not greet Klingons/ Romulans/ hostiles in general or anyone else for that matter with: "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father; prepare to die!"

243. Do not call Dr. McCoy 'Dr. House'.

244. During diplomatic talks or events, do not say "super-cali-fragilistic-expiali-docious" when you have nothing to say.

245. Do not call Mr. Spock a "pointy-eared bastard' to his face. Only Dr. McCoy can do that and get away with it.

246. Diet Coke and Mentos fountains are only allowed in the hanger deck, nowhere else. Clean up when you are finished.

247. Phasers are not magic wands. Stop yelling 'Expelliarmus!' and 'Avada Kedavra!' when you fire.

248. Do not pump helium gas into a room during any kind of negotiations or events (if you want to know what happens, we have video).

249. Do not use the main view screen to play Guitar Hero (or any other video games for that matter). Even on Gamma shift.

250. Talos IV is classified. Nothing more needs to be said. Stop asking.

251. When someone says "This is (whatever)", do not respond "No, this is Sparta!"

252a. Do not attempt barrel rolls with the _Enterprise_.

252b. Same with loop-the-loops.

252c. Or any kind of aerial acrobatics.

253. Ignore rules #252a, b, and c when absolutely necessary. Warn the rest of us first though, okay guys?

254. Stop overloading the Computers' servers with crap. It's getting **REALLY **annoying.

255. Contrary to popular belief, Dr. McCoy really can put you in a hospital pretty fast.

256. Do not make "yo mama" jokes while interacting with Klingons and/or Romulans and/or during delicate situations.

257a. The ship-wide communication system is not to be used as a karaoke machine (*cough* Riley *cough*).

257b. Oh for God's sake, who put that? When I get my hands on them I'm going to…

258. Avoid Lt. Riley for the next few hours if you know what is good for you.

259. 'Shoot first, ask questions later' is normally not the best diplomatic approach.

260. Do not finish a communication with "And live, from New York! It's Saturday night!" Especially when it is not Saturday on Earth.

* * *

As for #244, I know it's all one word without hyphens, but ffn wouldn't accept it as one word.


	13. Chapter 13

Hello again! Guess what, I got 50 reviews from you guys! Yay! To celebrate (not really, I would have done this anyway) I give you more Rules.

Oh, I have forgotten something! Rule #'s 145, 189, 197a and 197b are from _Freythefrog. _Rule #265 is from _bookdragon01_. Thank you if you have submitted ideas for Rules, and thank you all otherwise! Several others are inspired by various other authors and their stories, and of course your comments, my dear readers.

Aw crap, there I go off on a tangent again. Rules. Down there. Read. Now!

* * *

261. If you get lost easily, stop and ask for directions. Don't use breadcrumb trails.

262. *Captain Kirk does not know where Spock's… whoa, hold it. No, no, no, no. I am not putting that.

263a. Do not try and use a Jedi mind trick on Klingons.

263b. Do not try it with Romulans either.

263c. And do **not** try it with your superior officers.

264. When asked to explain something by a superior officer, do not start with "elementary, my dear Watson".

265. After setting to overload, Mr. Phaser is no longer your friend. (A.K.A Throw the damn thing away!)

266. Lt. Uhura's name is not 'Sam', it's Nyota, and she will not play 'As Time Goes By' (again).

267. Stop referring to the ship as _Enterprise Air _or _Air Enterprise_. The Kyminnian Ambassador now thinks that's the ship's real name.

268. No spitballs on the Bridge.

269. Laundry chutes are not slides. Stop using them as such.

270. "Second star to the right and straight on 'til morning" is not an actual course; thus the navigation computer will not recognize it.

271. Stop playing with the gravity settings.

272. Mr. Spock is a Vulcan; he is not related to the Tin Man from the _Wizard of Oz_ and… what?

273. No more "pumpkin chunkin' contests". Maintenance is tired of cleaning squished pumpkin off the walls of the Hangar Bay.

274. Unless you have a rank over Lieutenant Commander, or you have past connections or are a good friend, do not call Captain Kirk 'Jim'.

275. Stop flying kites behind the _Enterprise_.

276. Instant messaging people while on duty is not allowed.

277. No improv-jam sessions in the Jefferies tubes.

278. The senior officers do not need "fan clubs".

279. Do not send Klingons tribbles (are you _trying_ to get yourself and the rest of us killed?).

280a. No pranks or funny business when diplomats or VIPs are onboard.

280b. Yeah right…

* * *

Reviews appreciated!


	14. Chapter 14

A few things before we start:

1. Happy Valentine's Day (and Happy Birthday to a few friends and a family member)! A while ago, one of you asked for Valentine themed Rules, but I don't remember who. Anyways, here they are, plus some non-Valentine themed ones. I am finding it ironic that I am publishing this chapter (Chapter 14) on Valentine's Day (Feb. 14).

2. Congratulations to estar9821 for getting the reference in #186, I was hoping someone would get it (and hooray for Sunday Comics in the _Boston Globe_, or whatever newspaper you get on Sundays).

3. Also, I would like you, my Readers, to do me a favor: tell me your favorite Rule or Rules. You can tell me in a review or a message, either way is fine.

I shall now shut up and give you more Rules.

* * *

281. Do not get pickup lines for females in alien languages from the inter-spacenet. They will most likely result in you getting punched in the face.

282. Stop dressing up the skeleton models in Sickbay and the Science Labs.

283. Stop trying to set up dates for Mr. Spock and Nurse Chapel.

284. Stop setting up blind dates for the senior officers, especially the Captain.

285. No more Speed Dating sessions in the Rec. Room.

286. What did we say about Captain Kirk and flowers? (Refer to Rules # 165 and 166)

287. The song "Headin' out to Eden" is banned from the _Enterprise_. You sing it, you will be sorry.

288. Flirting your way out of a tight situation only works for Captain Kirk.

289a. No more drag races with the _Enterprise_.

289b. No, seriously, we got in a **LOT **of trouble for that, including the Captain (even though it wasn't his idea). Why else do you think we've been getting all these lame assignments?

289c. But we won, didn't we?

289d. Shut up you two.

290. You are not allowed to carve initials with a heart and "forever" around them into panels, walls, pipes, the warp engines, or anywhere else on the ship. Wait until we reach a planet with trees!

291. Contrary to popular belief, Captain Kirk does not land the girl every time.

292. Dr. McCoy is not a relationship counselor.

293. Dr. McCoy does not need a girlfriend.

294. Stop asking Spock if it's "that time" again.

295. Do not dye tribbles pink or red and give them as Valentine's Day presents.

296. Ensign Chekov will **NOT **dress up for the ship's Valentine's party as cupid. Stop asking.

297. Who ordered the Orion Slave Girl as a Valentine for the Captain?

298. Do not ask Dr. McCoy about his ex-wife.

299a. THE GAME does not exist.

299b. That being said, you have all just lost THE GAME.

300. The _Enterprise_ is not a democracy. If you are told to do something by someone of a higher rank, you do it!

* * *

Wow, I never expected to reach 300 Rules. When I started, I was happy to reach 100!

Remember to review and stuff like that.


	15. Chapter 15

Hello again everyone, miss me? I've missed you. Oh, that sounded weird.

ANYWAY, moving on. A few of you have told me your favorite Rules, thank you to those who have. So let me rephrase the request and maybe the rest of you will get where I'm going with this:

Which Rules give you the most epic mental images?

Or:

Which ones would you like the back story for?

You see where I'm going with this? Yes, no, maybe so? Give your answers in the review section, or message me.

In the mean time, here are a few more Rules that you might want to follow if you ever beam up to the _Enterprise_.

* * *

301. Should you accidentally make contact with a primitive intelligent species, do not tell them you are a god, it may go badly for the rest of the landing party.

302. Do not turn the Shuttle Hangar Bay into a drive-in movie theater, with the shuttle-crafts standing in for cars.

303. Stop calling Spock Bilbo Baggins.

304. Do not let the Captain hear you say "McCoy/Bones/Spock I choose you!" when he tells Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock to accompany him on an away mission.

305. Do not call Sulu "Tiny".

306. Contrary to popular belief, it really is possible to piss off a Vulcan. **Don't do it.**

307a. There is no such thing as the "curse of the Red-Shirt". Nor is the _Enterprise_ haunted by their spirits.

307b. Wha'na bet?

308. The only time you are allowed to say your name is "Bond; James Bond" is when you are being interrogated or if it is actually your name (though according to the crew roster, nobody's name is James Bond).

309. Stop sending Mr. Spock clips from "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood". He doesn't get it, and neither does anyone else for that matter.

310. Do not call Captain Kirk "farmer-boy". Yes, he's from Iowa, your point is?

311. Procrastinating on Reports and assignments is a bad idea.

312. Just because you are behind on your work does not mean you can drink Scalosian water to catch up on it.

313. Stop sleeping on the couch in Dr. McCoy's office; it's not a place to crash on your off periods.

314. Mr. Spock will not perform a mind meld on you to make you remember where you lost whatever thing it is you lost.

315. Stop telling Dr. McCoy you see dead people. He is getting alarmed at the number of crewmen who are claiming to see dead people.

316. Mr. Scott's nickname is 'Scotty', not 'Welshy'. Stop calling him that.

317. Stop filling people's rooms with alarm clocks while they are sleeping. The result can be heard from two decks away.

318. Stop making sound effects when Spock performs a Vulcan Neck Pinch.

319. *Scotty + building sonic screwdriver = not happening again (we have video).

320. Do not use the transporters for "Alchemy experiments" (i.e. turning lead into gold and such), or get rich quick schemes.

* * *

Rule #319 is from _Michelle the Editor_, who has (kind of) been editing these (thank you for that, by the way). If anyone else has ideas or suggestions, drop me a line! Remember to review!


	16. Chapter 16

Sorry it's been so long. Keeping it short today, you all know the deal. Read. Laugh. Enjoy. Review.

Later added: So... Yeah, I screwed up. Thank you to _Michelle the Editor_. So, I will change things around a bit so that this thing can keep going a little longer.

* * *

"Kyle! You're alive!"

"Kyle, what happened to you?"

Ensigns Fiona Billings and Grant O'Shea watched as the young Science Ensign Kyle Sorren sat down. "Guys, I screwed up," he said shakily. "I really screwed up."

"Enough to disappear for eighteen hours?" O'Shea asked.

"Enough that Mr. Spock asked me where you were and why you were late for your shift?" Billings said. The boys looked at her questioningly. "What? I walked past him, and he asked," she added. "He knows we're all close friends."

"Was he upset that I didn't finish the experiment?" Sorren asked. "I had to redo it on account of I forgot the atmospheric variables the first time…"

"No, he just asked me where you were," Billings replied. "Though that is probably why he asked me…"

"Damn it…" Sorren banged his head on the table. "Ooohhhh, bad idea…"

"Are you all right, Ky?" O'Shea asked. "Maybe you should go to Sickbay…"

"No, I just came from there," Sorren groaned. "Dr. McCoy finally declared me fit for duty."

"Why were you in Sickbay?" Billings asked.

"You two are lucky," Sorren said. "You were down on Urmani. You didn't see this…"

"Kyle, what happened?" Billings and O'Shea cried at once. Before their friend could answer, their PADDs buzzed. Sorren was the first to pull his out. As he scrolled through the message, he stopped, groaned, and banged his head on the table.

"You want to know what happened to me?" he said. "Read number #322."

* * *

321. When something goes wrong on an away mission, do not call the _Enterprise_ and say "Houston, we have a problem".

322. Do not greet Captain Kirk with "O Captain! My Captain!"

323. Do not play "ding-dong-ditch".

324. Humans cannot perform Vulcan Neck Pinches; only Vulcans (or half-Vulcans) can do them. Stop trying.

325. When the Captain is asking you about who started a fight or something like that, do not start a round of "I am Sparticus". He will not find it funny.

326a. The Conference Room is not the "War Room", thus you are allowed to fight in it.

326b. Only not really.

327. Whenever the _Enterprise_ manages to travel through time, do not play "Time Warp" over the speakers.

328. Stop throwing paper airplanes out of the Hangar Bay into space.

329a. No more toga parties on the Bridge.

329b. Or Sickbay.

329c. Or Engineering.

329d. Or the Science Labs.

330. The _Enterprise_'s Computer is not the M.C.P, and "The Grid" does not exist within it.

331. "Water-skiing" behind shuttle-crafts is now prohibited.

332. Stop asking Scotty to build you a Seg-way.

333. Sulu's katana is not a light-saber.

334a. Stop asking Lt. Uhura to teach you how to say swear words in alien languages or Earth languages other than Standard. Especially Klingon, Romulan, and Russian; Scottish is not a language (even if it doesn't sound like Mr. Scott is speaking English sometimes when he talks), thus she won't teach you it.

334b. However, Mr. Scott will teach you Scottish swears if you hang around Engineering long enough.

335. Do not call Dr. McCoy 'Plum'.

336. If you wish to work out, go to the gym. Do not run laps around the ship.

337. Just because you don't like someone does not mean you can try and change their gender with the transporter.

338. It is not possible to toilet paper the _Enterprise_, stop trying.

339. Do not rewire the controls on the Captain's Chair.

340. When we say we have video, it means DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

* * *

"Seriously guys," Sorren said to his shocked friends. "Don't drink an entire bottle of that green stuff Scotty has. It makes you do really _weird_ stuff."

* * *

Note to self: read guidelines before writing a couple hundred of these.

The Ensigns will not be a continuation of the Reasons, though they might bridge over a few times.


	17. Chapter 17

The newest Lieutenant to join the crew of the _Enterprise_ looked around the Rec. Room for a place to sit and eat her lunch. So far, her first day had been... interesting. Of course, having one Dr. Leonard McCoy as your CO was always interesting. She spotted an open seat next to three ensigns: one in Blue, one in Red, and the other in Gold. She made her way over to the table.

"May I join you?" She asked.

"Sure!" Billings said. "Sit down!"

"You new around here?" O'Shea asked.

She nodded. "Yes, I just transfered the other day. I'm Arti, Arti West."

"Arti?" Sorren said.

"Short for Artemis," West replied.

"Ah," Sorren said. The three quickly introduced themselves, and once they were done, all four of their PADDs went off.

"All right!" O'Shea said. "The new Rules!"

"New Rules?" West paled slightly.

"Don't worry," Billings reassured her. "They're more like guidelines. They help explain the craziness that goes on around here."

"Yeah, like that thing!" Sorren added. He pointed at a flag hanging in the corner.

"Oh jeez," Billings laughed. "I think the Captain is _still _explaining that one!"

"That thing?" West asked.

O'Shea nodded. "We'll tell you about it once we read the new Rules."

* * *

341. Stop driving golf balls off the Hangar Deck into space.

342. Moving someone's towel to the other side of the shower room while they are in the shower is not funny. Do not do it again.

343. Stop programming the Computer to play the Soviet National Anthem whenever Chekov walks into his quarters.

344. Stop calling Yeoman Rand 'Kitty'.

345. Yes, Captain Kirk has amazing computer hacking skills. No, he will not teach you.

346. You do not need to bring a set of portable speakers on an away mission just so you can play 'Kung Fu Fighting' when the Captain eventually get into a fight.

347. McCoy will not treat extreme cases of Stupidity or Idiocy.

348. "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" does not apply on Starships.

349. Mr. Spock does not wax his eyebrows. Stop asking.

350. When in doubt, C4 is not the answer (most of the time anyway).

351a. Which one of you Engineering bozos installed that old style phone booth on Deck 6?

351b. What? It works as a comm.-link!

352. We already covered this people, you are not allowed to introduce yourself as "Bond, James Bond".

353. Do not Axe-bomb people's rooms.

354. No "street performances" in the corridors.

355. Do not play "We Are the Champions" over the loudspeaker after the _Enterprise_ wins a ship battle of some kind.

356a. Any mention of people who had the same names and appearances of any of the Bridge crew in the history tapes is pure coincidence.

356b. Oh, so the ship traveling back in time multiple times and all that other stuff never happened?

356c. Officially, no; technically, yes.

356e. Hey, what about this one here then…

356f. …We have no idea. The ship hasn't gone to the 1980s yet…

357. Lt. Com. Giotto is not The Godfather, he is Security Chief.

358. No more séances in the Rec. Room.

359. Do not carve "(insert name) was here" under your work station or console.

360. Do not end a transmission with "End of Line".

* * *

For those of you who were wondering, Arti West is a carry-over from another one of my stories (_Yesterday's Tomorrow_), she shows up at the end. Felt like bringing her over here. Wondering about the flag? You'll have to go back a few sets to find it, or you could just check out the Reasons tomorrow!


	18. Chapter 18

Hello again… strange, I can't think of anything witty to say. That's a first. I'll keep it short. So, read, enjoy, review, whatever you guys do.

P.S.: Sorry about the distance between updates!

* * *

"Ever wonder where these Rules come from?" Sorren asked as they pulled out their PADDs.

"Past mistakes?" O'Shea offered.

"No, I mean who sends them out and stuff," Sorren said. "Who's in charge."

"I don't know," West replied. "But I don't really care. They always brighten my day."

They all agreed.

* * *

361. Mr. Spock will not teach you how to do a Vulcan Neck Pinch. Stop asking.

362. *Yes, Dr. McCoy is a doctor; however he is not THE Doctor.

363a. *That being said, Sickbay is not the TARDIS.

363b. Neither is the _Enterprise_.

364. *Also, Nurse Chapel is not any Companion, stop asking.

365. The _Enterprise_ is one of the largest Starships currently commissioned. It is not possible to get a "bigger boat". Stop saying we're going to need one.

366. Stop asking the Captain if he knows if Trelane is finally out of time-out. He doesn't know, nor does he want to know.

367. During extended leave, shuttle-crafts are not to be used for "road trips".

368. "Danger" is not Captain Kirk's middle name.

369. Lightning storms do not happen in space.

370. Do not play epic movie themes over the speaker system when the ship engages in battle (well, just don't play it on the Bridge).

371a. No slumber parties on the Bridge.

371b. Or Engineering (permission first).

371c. Or Sickbay (without reason).

371d. Or the Science Labs.

372. Your phaser is not your "little friend" and the person who happens to be on the opposite side of it does not need to say "hello" to your phaser before you fire.

373. Stop petitioning the Federation to name a planet 'Never Land'.

374a. Do not tell Klingons "No soup for you!"

374b. Or Romulans.

374c. Or dignitaries.

375. You are not Batman, stop saying you are.

376. The warp drive is not an "improbability drive".

377. You are not allowed to hook up an ancient game-controller (Atari, NES, Nintendo 64, SEGA Genesis, GameCube, Xbox, Play Station, Wii, MoTon, etc.) to the Helm or Navigation consoles and use it to steer the ship.

378. Don't call Dr. McCoy Shirley.

379. When beaming a landing party down to a planet, you are not allowed to rematerialize a person you don't like over a body of water.

380. Next time we have a "Miss _Enterprise_" contest; Captain Kirk can be either a judge or the announcer, not both.

* * *

"The things you guys do around here..." West sighed. "There is never a dull moment."

"We know," Sorren said.

"Well what do you expect?" Billings asked. "430 people on one ship in the middle of space, there's bound to be some mischief!"

"Yeah, and we wouldn't have it any other way," O'Shea finished.

* * *

Rules #362-364 are from _Michelle the Editor_. Incase you haven't noticed, a (*) (I can't spell what it is) means that the Rule is from someone else. Or have I already said that? Oh well.


	19. Chapter 19

Hola! I have decided to try and update these Rules on a more… regular basis. I'm still figuring out what that will mean, but you, my dear readers, can now look forward to learning about the craziness that happens on the Starship _Enterprise_ more often.

So here we go. You all know the deal by now (if you're new, maybe not): read, laugh, enjoy, review, suggest/request.

* * *

"Looks like my sandwich is going to have to wait," Billings said as her PADD buzzed.

"I swear, they time these things so they come out when we're on lunch break," O'Shea said.

"Maybe it's because this is when most people are on lunch break," West replied.

O'Shea shrugged. "Eh, maybe."

Sorren nodded, and suddenly dropped his spoon into his soup.

"Kyle, you all right?" Billings asked.

"No!" Sorren cried as he jumped up. "I left the hot plate on in..."

The PA beeped. "Ensign Kyle Sorren, please report to Science Lab 6."

"CRAP!" Sorren sprinted out of the room.

O'Shea shook his head. "They're _always_ lighting stuff on fire in that Lab."

The other two nodded in agreement.

* * *

381. No more water balloon fights.

382a. To all Security and Engineering personnel: stop singing "Glory, Glory to the Red Team".

382b. GLORY, GLORY TO THE RED TEAM!

383a. To everybody else: variations of the song above are not allowed either.

383b. GLORY, GLORY TO THE BLUE TEAM!

383c. GLORY, GLORY TO THE GOLD TEAM!

384. Using Science Lab materials to make smoke bombs in prohibited, so please stop.

385. The _Enterprise_ Computer is neither a Mac nor a PC. It is a Computer.

386. There is a time and place for arguments over sports teams; however on the Bridge while on duty is not one of them.

387. Even though it is the perfect size for one, stop trying to turn Cargo Room 5 into a swimming pool.

388. Stop locking Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock in a turbo-lift just to see what happens.

389. No, we will not call you Ishmael. However, other people might.

390. Stop subscribing Mr. Spock to Playboy Magazine.

391. The _Enterprise_ does not have a shuttle-craft called the "_Millennium Falcon_".

392. Stop requesting to rename a shuttle-craft the _Millennium Falcon_ or requesting that we get a new one and name it that.

393. Stop stealing people's left shoes.

394. Drinking excessively large amounts of coffee is never a good idea for multiple reasons.

395. No, Mr. Spock and Lt. Uhura are not dating (where the hell did you get that idea?). Stop telling Nurse Chapel they are.

396. Stop calling Chekov "Radar".

397. Stop calling Sulu "Klinger".

398. Stop calling Yeoman Rand "Moneypenny".

399. Dr. McCoy does not appreciate it that you hung a Confederate flag in his office. Don't do it again.

400. Please uninstall the disco ball on the Bridge.

* * *

"So _that's _why the water pressure was so wacky the other day!" West said.

"Uh, yeah…" O'Shea rubbed the back of his head and looked away. "Sorry about that..."

"Dang it Grant!" Billings yelled.

"Hey, I wasn't the only one!" O'Shea replied.

* * *

By the way, I think we all know this, but I don't own any of the stuff I reference in these Rules. I would list them, but there are so many references that it would take an entire chapter to do it.

Oh, and look at that, 400 Rules. Guess what, I've got more ;)

**P.S.** Happy Easter. Or Passover. Or Spring (if we are being politically correct).


	20. Chapter 20

I'm BAAACK! Been a while, hasn't it? Yeah, I'm sorry. I know I said I would update these more often and then left you guys hanging for… two and a half weeks? Sorry about that. From now on, the Rules will be a bit more regular.

You all remember the system: Read, laugh, enjoy, review, request. If you have ideas, send them to me in a message (so you don't ruin them for everyone else ;)

* * *

"Kyle, what are you doing?"

Kyle Sorren looked up as Fiona Billings took a seat across the table from him. "I'm waiting."

"For what? Your PADD to explode?"

"No, the Rules." Sorren went back to watching his PADD. "They're late."

"Everyone's been busy lately, Ky," Billings said. She waved Grant O'Shea and Arti West over to the table. "Maybe they haven't had time to send them out."

"They're still late," Sorren mumbled.

"Is he still waiting?" West asked.

"Still waiting?" Billings replied.

"I stopped by Lab 6 earlier," West explained. "He was sitting there working with the PADD on his lap. He was lucky Spock didn't see him."

"Probably because the Vulcan has finally gotten over that little incident a few weeks ago," O'Shea said.

"That wasn't my fault!" Sorren cried. At that moment his PADD went off. His friends watched as he bounced it from hand to hand, until it bounced out of reach and crashed to the floor.

"Frag!" Sorren cried.

"No worries, Kyle, we have ours," Fiona said, and handed Sorren her PADD.

* * *

401a. *Don't write stories featuring superior officers in hot and heavy romances... and forwarding them to all the crew via star command's IP address. Chekov is also a computer genius/prodigy and will find you.

401b. Using Chekov to upload said stories won't help, trust us, he cracks easily under pressure. Besides, Spock can find you too.

402. *Don't debate what level/stage of bromance is happening between the Captain, the Doctor and Mr. Spock. THERE IS NONE!

403. *Don't throw your voice during obvious bonding moments, declaring: "I love you man!" and such. They will find you and assign you to the next landing party and /or Gamma shift for a month or so- you've been warned.

404. No water balloons around Mr. Spock.

405. Do **NOT** give Chekov lots of sugar (we have video).

406. Just because a dignitary of some kind is being a pain in the ass to everyone, you may not request permission to push them out of an air-lock (even if they really deserve it).407.

407. Do not dress up as a White Rabbit around Dr. McCoy.

408. Stop replacing people's wardrobes with various kinds of embarrassing clothing.

409a. Do not beam someone out of their bed onto a planet.

409b. Do not beam them out of their bed to other areas on the ship either.

410. Mr. Sulu is not a Jedi.

411. Stop putting 'i' in front of words (i.e. iPhaser, iTricorder, iPADD,), it doesn't exactly make sense.

412a. Do not eat Mr. Scott's haggis.

412b. It's not that bad!

413. When someone is drunk, kindly keep them _OFF _the Bridge.

414. Dr. McCoy is not the Archangel Gabriel.

415. The Navigational Computer is not a "TomTom" (whatever _that_ is).

416. Mr. Scott will not build you flying broomsticks so you can play Quiddich in the Hangar Bay (he tried once, it failed _epically_).

417. Do not turn the gravity off in the Hangar Bay so you can play Quiddich.

418. Enough with the zombie jokes around Spock already.

419a. Stop "Rick Rolling" the Admirals, they are getting really upset.

419b. Stop "Rick Rolling" people in general.

419c. However, Klingons are fine (just make sure they can't trace it back to the _Enterprise_). Same with Romulans.

420. Do not play _The Twilight Zone _theme over the ship's speakers when something weird happens (which is often, which is why you shouldn't do it).

* * *

"They need a Rule against scaring Kyle by sending out the Rules," O'Shea said.

Sorren punched him in the arm, though not hard enough to call for West to administer medical attention.

* * *

Rule #401a, 402, and 403 are from _HogwartsInqisitor_.


	21. Chapter 21

Hello. Today, I give you all new Rules in place of a Reason (you'll find out why soon enough). The reason for this is in here though!

Remember: read, enjoy, laugh, review, suggest (in a PM), and request!

* * *

"Damn it, Grant, what did you do now?"

Lt. Arti West watched as her friend was carried in by Kyle Sorren, and an Engineer. Fiona Billings followed with a very disapproving look on her face.

"Well?" West demanded.

"Dr. McCoy is rubbin' off on you, Arti," O'Shea slurred.

West glared at him, and turned to Billings.

"He decided to try and jump across the shuttlecrafts," Billings explained. "All ten of them in a row."

West grinned. "How far did he get?"

"He got to five and a half," Sorren answered. "And crashed into the sixth. Thanks Tom."

The Engineer nodded. "Tell me when he's better so he can repair that dent his head made."

"You _dented _a shuttlecraft with your _head_?" West cried. "How are you still conscious?"

"I got the hardest head on the _Enterprise_," O'Shea replied.

"No, that award goes to the Captain."

They looked up, as Dr. McCoy entered. The doctor frowned as he got a good look at O'Shea.

Billings and Sorren smiled as their PADDs buzzed, and they slipped out.

"I have never been more glad for these than just now," Sorren said.

* * *

421. Next time we go to the Shore Leave planet, **NO ONE** is allowed to think of the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man.

422a. *Do not call your superior officers "sxkawng". They will find out what it means, and you will be sorry.

422b. Go ahead and call Klingons that though. Same with Romulans.

423. Do not tell Kingons/Romulans their "father was a hamster, and their mother smelt of elderberries". Even though they may not know what a hamster or elderberries are, they do know that is an insult.

424. We do not live in a "Yellow Submarine", we live in a Starship.

425. Good Lord, where do you guys find that song? Please stop playing it, it… it… forget it, we're at a loss for words.

426. *Cameras are not allowed in Sickbay.

427. Unless you have a death wish of some sort, **DO NOT **pull pranks on Dr. McCoy.

428a. Hypnotism does not work on Vulcans.

428b. And you would know this _HOW_?

429. Just because you know how to swear in another language does not mean you _know _how to speak said language.

430. Do not replace Spock's wardrobe with only Link (from those old Legend of Zelda games) costumes.

431. Who the heck is Picard? Why are you comparing him to Captain Kirk?

432. Also, who is Data and why are you comparing him to Mr. Spock?

433a. Stop sending Klingons fruit baskets.

433b. Same with Romulans.

433c. And Gorn.

433d. Stop sending hostiles fruit baskets!

434. Stop making Scotty recite lines from Macbeth.

435. Stop asking Mr. Spock when his birthday is, or how old he is, he isn't going to say.

436. There is not a conspiracy against the _Enterprise_ among the higher-ups of Starfleet.

437. Stop riding skateboards in the corridors.

438. You cannot "Plead the Fifth", but you can plead the equivalent in the United Earth Bill of Rights and the United Federation of Planets Constitution (we'd quote it for you, but we don't know where to find it).

439. Do not use other people as battering rams.

440. (Has been removed due to inappropriate content).

* * *

Rule 422a comes from _Werepanther33_ and #426 is from _Bookdragon01_.


	22. Chapter 22

Greetings, Earthlings. Kidding, about the… never mind. I better get down to business! Don't for get that little link at the bottom that let's me know what you think! If you have any Rule ideas or suggestions, send them in a PM! Thanks, and now for the main course!

* * *

"How you doin', Grant?"

Ensign Grant O'Shea opened his eye a crack. Three blurry figures, one in Red, two in Blue, stood next to his bed. He didn't need his eyes to be in focus to know who they were.

"Better," he sighed. "I think."

"Dr. McCoy says your head should be fully healed in a day or two," Lt. West said. "After that, it's light duty for a week or so before going back to full duty."

"You're lucky that skull of yours is so hard," Ensign Billings said. "Physically and mentally."

A strange squeaking sound escaped Ensign Sorren.

O'Shea sighed as his vision cleared. "I have a feeling from Kyle's face there that you didn't come to tell me when I would be released from this place or that my head is hard for probably the millionth time."

The three looked at each other, and then looked back at O'Shea. Billings handed him a PADD with a large, easy to read screen. "Congratulations, Grant," she said. "You are the first of us to cause a Rule."

"Oh brother," O'Shea said. "You must be kidding!"

* * *

441. There is no Ensign/Lieutenant/Lieutenant Commander Bueller, stop having Spock page for him.

442. Stop telling your high school aged siblings/family members/friends about some of these Rules. We do not need lawsuits if word gets back that they got the idea for a Senior prank from the _Enterprise_.

443. "You shall not pass" is not the best thing to tell a Klingon.

444. There is no planet called "Transsexual".

445. There is no galaxy called "Transylvania".

446. There is no planet called "Transsexual" in a galaxy called "Transylvania".

447. Do not try and jump across the shuttlecrafts.

448a. *Stop programming the Computer to play Justin Bieber songs every time the Captain uses the comm.

448b. *Stop playing Justin Bieber songs period. Just because you have "Bieber Fever" doesn't mean the rest of us do.

449a. *Stop programming the Computer to play "ET" by Katy Perry every time Mr. Spock uses the comm.

449b. *Stop playing Katy Perry period

449c. Before everyone starts rioting, you may play ONE of her songs at crew parties.

450. "Bieber Fever" is not a medically treatable condition. Stop telling Dr. McCoy it is (though he is inclined to believe you).

451. *Don't mention Justin Bieber or Katy Perry around the Senior Officers, especially the Captain.

452. Sulu is not "Mr. Roboto".

453. Stop randomly hugging Spock (no, seriously, **stop**).

454. Stop reprogramming the replicators to give Captain Kirk nothing but salads.

455. Do not knock Dr. McCoy out with a hypo while on the transporter pad and tell him when he wakes up that he was trapped in the transporter beam for a few hours (we have video as to why doing that again would be a bad idea).

456. Before you beam up to the ship (or off the ship) you do not need to tell people in a menacing voice that you'll be back.

457. Do not use Sulu's fencing foils to play Jedi. You might poke someone's eye out.

458. When on the Bridge, do not ask "Are we there yet?" every two minutes.

459. There is no such thing as "Treasure Planet".

460. NO HITCHIKERS!

* * *

O'Shea leaned back. "I am _so _glad I have been unconscious for the last week."

Sorren finally gave in, and keeled over laughing.

* * *

Rule #448a-b, #449a-b, #451 are from a friend of _Livin4Jesus_, who I shall thank again here for their contribution.


	23. Chapter 23

Today's installment of the Rules is a bit different, mostly because it contains the longest Rule ever. Keep reading, you'll see. I admit I went off on a bit of a tangent with it.

* * *

"Any of you know what's wrong with Rogers?" Billings asked as she sat down.

"That geek from Computer Sci?" Sorren asked. "No, why?"

"He's been real jumpy the last few days," Billings replied.

"Yeah, I've noticed that too," O'Shea said. "I've been wondering why."

West pulled out her PADD as it buzzed. She scrolled down, and burst out laughing. "I think I found out why!"

* * *

461. Stop calling Sulu "Murdock".

462. Despite rumors to the contrary, Captain Kirk is a decent driver of pre-warp vehicles (as long as they are not stick shifts).

463. Do not play "I'm too Sexy" over the ship's speakers whenever Captain Kirk's shirt manages to get ripped.

464. Do not steal people's mattresses.

465a. *Shape-ups are not acceptable footwear while on duty—they look weird and that strange rocking motion everyone keep doing is making the rest of us nauseous.

465b. *If _you _wore them, you could have a firm backside too!

465c. Don't we have Rule against personal comments?

465d. I believe those fall under Rule #77a.

465e. Oh right. It's been a while since we pulled that card. Please refer to Rule #77a.

466a*Space-sickness caused by the rocking motion you are all performing on those shape-ups are affecting efficiency. Mr. Spock wants them gone.

466b. *Why? He's wearing the ones we left for him in his quarters!

466c. *That's because you took his uniform boots, you (content edited). By the way he wants his boots back. Like, _now_.

466d. *On a side note, Dr. McCoy has reported and complained that Nurse Chapel has been staring at Mr. Spock's rear end more often that usual.

466e. _More often than usual?_

466f. *Just so.

466g. *Who is posting these? I though we told you to refer to Rule #77a!

466h. No, _you_ told them to refer to Rule #77a. The rest of us want to delete Rule #77a, that's why we never use it anymore! Do you know how annoying that thing is?

466i. After all this you want to delete it? You never let me use it anymore!

466j. Um… good point. And you just broke your own Rule.

466k. Damn it! You did too!

466l. It's not our Rule, it's yours!

466m. Look, never mind. Guys, we've been hacked!

466n. (Content edited). Hacker, _we will hunt you down_.

467a. Do not hack the Official List of Unofficial Rules. Your life span will be significantly longer if you don't hack the Rules.

467b. Damn right it will be!

467c. Not to mention you won't get crappy assignments.

467d. HEY! WHAT DID WE TELL YOU?

468. You do not need to take a towel on away missions.

469. Kirk will not teach you how to make a homemade cannon.

470. Stop telling Chekov he can't use a phaser because he'll "shoot his eye out".

471. Before you step onto this ship, you should probably figure out how Military Time works.

472. Do not paint murals on the walls in the corridors, even if they are really good.

473. Yes, Dr. McCoy is from Georgia; now stop with the _Gone with the Wind _references!

474a. Do not spike the Captain's coffee.

474b. Do not spike anybody's coffee for that matter.

475a. *Do not mix up Romulans and Vulcans while in front of a member of either race.

475b. *Do not add "but they all look the same/alike, so what's the big deal?" after said earlier comment.

476. *Do not tell Romulans/Klingons/rogue computers/any other foe to "dude, get a life".

477. Pleez use spel chek befor poasting rulz.

478. Please use spell check before posting rules.

479. Be careful with what you post on Starbook.

480. Stop pinning signs to Mr. Spock's back.

* * *

Right, so Rules #465a-466n were inspired by _SetPhasers2Stun_, who gave me free reign with them and this is the result, my longest continuous Rule to date. Any of them with a (*) are not mine originally. Rules #475a-476 are from _Michele the Editor_. If you (*points at computer screen like those old Uncle Sam posters*) have any suggestions for Rules, send them to me in a PM. Remember to Review!


	24. Chapter 24

Happy 4th of July! Even though it's tomorrow. Even if you don't celebrate it. I would post this tomorrow, but... it's the 4th of July. In the mean time, remember to review, and enjoy the fireworks.

* * *

"This sucks," O'Shea grumbled. "This totally sucks."

"What sucks, Grant?" West asked.

"What did you do now?" Sorren asked.

"Why do you always assume I did something?" O'Shea asked.

"Because normally you do something stupid and complain that it sucks afterwards," Billings answered.

O'Shea glared at her. "I was talking about the fact that we have to spend the 4th of July in _deep space_."

"Ooohhh," the others said.

"Dude, the 4th of July hasn't been relevant for two hundred years!" Sorren said.

"Says you," O'Shea replied. "It's relevant where I'm from!"

West shook her head as she pulled out her buzzing PADD. "Relevant or not, if you come into Sickbay tomorrow for any reason, I am handing you over to McCoy."

O'Shea turned slightly pale. Billings and Sorren giggled.

* * *

481. Do not program the Computer to play "That's _Amore_" whenever Nurse Chapel and Mr. Spock are in the same room.

482a. Who put the VW Beetle in Engineering? How the hell did you do that? Even Scotty can't figure it out! That being said, do not do it again.

482b. Trade secret, not telling you.

483. Stop playing the _Pirates of the Caribbean_ theme when Sulu is practicing his fencing.

484. Stop photoshoping the Senior Officers' heads onto sexy bodies.

485. *Note to Medical staff: you cannot use alien mud flea virus vaccines for any kind of use other than vaccination.

486a. WHO THE HELL STOLE MY TEDDY BEAR? GIVE HIM BACK!

486b. If you stole someone's teddy bear, please give it back.

487. Stop trying to call the Ghostbusters.

488. Dr. McCoy does not have a Great-Aunt Maude.

489. No more flash mobs when dignitaries are onboard (no matter how awesome they are).

490. Yes, we know you "have a bad feeling about this", you don't need to tell us every single time!

491. Do not tell Sulu plants are girly.

492. Do not go overboard with the ship-wide games of Mafia.

493. *The Computer is not "Eddie".

494a. *The Computer will not speak your weight or work out your personality problems to 10 decimal places.

494b. *It won't work out Spock's either (we tried), so stop asking.

495a. Karaoke is banned in Engineering.

495b. Seriously guys?

495c. Yes, seriously (Riley, don't hurt us).

496. Stink bombs are prohibited. Set one off and you die.

497. Mr. Scott is not 'Q', even if he makes cool gadget type things.

498. Do not put bugs (you know who you are) into other people's quarters.

499a. Stop randomly slapping people upside the head.

499b. But if they deserve it, go for it.

500. Stop randomly yelling "WE'LL DO IT LIVE!"

* * *

"That's not fair!" O'Shea cried.

"What are you talking about?" Billings asked.

"The last one!" O'Shea said. "The only reason everyone was yelling that was because the rehearsal wasn't going well!"

"And yet people have been yelling that for the last few weeks," West replied.

"Well..." O'Shea shrugged. "You'll see."

"Now I'm scared," Sorren said.

* * *

500 Rules... seriously, I never thought I'd get this far. In fact, I had thought of stopping at 500. But guess what, I have more! If you have suggestions to help keep me going, send them in a PM!

Rule #493 and #494a-b are from _Music-Maniac-At-17_. #485 was from a comment someone made, but I cannot find it. If it's yours, say so so I can give credit.


	25. Chapter 25

Hey everybody, how are you? Me, I'm good. Better now that I'm getting these out. Enjoy, laugh, remember to review!

* * *

"You know what we need?"

Billings, West, and Sorren groaned. O'Shea frowned. "What?" he asked.

"Every time you say something like that," Billings said. "Someone, normally you, ends up getting hurt."

O'Shea tossed his hands into the air. "Do not!"

"I'm still getting over this," Sorren said. He held up his hand, the back of which was red.

"I told you, Kyle, that wasn't entirely my fault," O'Shea growled. "No. Listen guys, this idea does not include anyone getting hurt."

"What is it, Grant?" West sighed.

O'Shea grinned. "So… the _Enterprise _is headed to Natur IV, right?"

"Yes, we'l be there tomorrow," Sorren said.

"And we'll be in orbit for a few days, right?"

"Yes."

"Well, I have a friend. With a place on Natur IV. On an island called Remiob."

Sorren's mouth dropped open. "That's in the Southern Hemisphere!"

"On the _beach_," O'Shea added.

"I'M IN!" Billings and West cried.

Suddenly their PADDs went off. Billings laughed.

"Seems like we'll need Rules first," she said.

"And sunscreen," West added.

* * *

501. Dr. McCoy is not a veterinarian.

502. Please refrain from saying "I feel the need – the need for speed!" when sending the ship into warp.

503. *Do not stand on your work console and say "O Captain, my Captain!"

504. Standing on one's work console will now be taken as an act of mutiny.

505. Do not play mime on the Bridge (especially when the Captain is talking to someone on the View Screen).

506. Baseball/cricket bats are not the best weapons to use when facing a Klingon.

507. *You are, under no circumstances, allowed to dig out an ancient Wii system and make Chekov perform Rasputin on "Just Dance 2" (we have a video somewhere).

508. *No one else is allowed to try it either. Dr. McCoy does not appreciate having his Sickbay so full.

509. You cannot turn any of the Rec. Rooms into full-on restaurants, no matter how many stars you manage to get.

510. Starfleet is getting really annoyed with your requests to build a McDonalds/Burger King/Dunkin' Donuts onboard. Please stop (a.k.a KEEP IT UP GUYS!).

511. The shuttlecrafts are not "Interceptors".

512a. Tribbles are not allowed on the Bridge.

512b. Or Engineering.

512c. Or Sick Bay.

512d. Or the Science Labs.

513. TRIBBLES ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE _ENTERPRISE_ ANYMORE. **EVER****.**

514. When Dr. McCoy says someone is dead, they are dead. Do not argue with him about it by saying "They aren't dead yet!"

515. Don't bring people into Sickbay and say they are dying or will be dead soon if they are clearly very much alive.

516. You cannot challenge other Starship crews to a Battle of the Bands anymore.

517. *No bikini or wet t-shirt contests in the Rec. Room.

518. The _Enterprise_ is not a moving van. If someone you know is moving to another planet, we are not allowed to transport their junk!

519. Do not beam Mr. Spock down to a planet with a pitchfork.

520. Do not play "I Will Survive" over the speakers after a hostile encounter with another ship.

* * *

"Grant, I love you right now!" Billings said.

"I thought you would like it," O'Shea answered.

"No, I think she means the fact you weren't part of any Rules this time around," Sorren said.

"Though he might have had something to do with the tribbles..." West said.

"Did not!" O'Shea cried.

* * *

Rule #503 is from _Michele the Editor_, #504 is inspired from #503, Rules #507 and #508 are from _Connortemple4evaneva_, #517 is from _Sonar_. If you have any ideas, remember to send them in a private message!


	26. Chapter 26

Hi, it's me again! Sorry it's been a while, I've been _really _busy. I can't believe the summer is almost over! So sad.

Anyways, as usual I hope you enjoy these. Remember to review, and any suggestion you might have you should send to me in a Private message.

* * *

"Dude, that was _awesome_!"

O'Shea, Billings, Sorren, and West were sitting around their normal table in the Rec. Room. Billings fingered the shell necklace around her neck, Sorren examined his tanned skin, and West looked through pictures from the last few days.

"I thought you would like it," O'Shea said. "And we didn't trash the place that much…"

"Lucky we caught Scotty before he finished off the local drink," West said, pulling up a picture of Scotty in what could only be described as a very loud Hawaiian looking shirt and a leaf skirt.

"…So I think we can go back sometime," O'Shea said after he finished laughing.

Sorren looked up, and flinched. "Only next time, we need to give Pavel a bit more sunscreen."

"Oh dear," Billings sighed.

Across the room, Chekov carefully made his way through the crowded room, making sure that he didn't touch anything he didn't need to touch. His skin practically glowed bright red.

"I thought Dr. McCoy took care of that," O'Shea said.

West shrugged. "He did, but then it came back. McCoy has been saying it has something to do with Pavel's…"

"Hold that thought!" Sorren cried, and pulled out his PADD.

* * *

521. The "Grox" are not an actual alien/humanoid species, and thus does not exist.

522. The _Enterprise_'s computer is not "Deep Thought".

523a. You do not need to yell "In yo(ur) _FACE_!" when a ship is defeated and/or destroyed.

523b. Or "You just got served!"

524. The "Ministry of Silly Walks" does not exist, thus you cannot say you are a member of it (walk normal people!).

525. What the heck is Red Matter, and why do you keep asking about it?

526. When the Captain (or any of the other Bridge crew) manages to get the ship into a life or death situation, and then out of said situation, do not play "We're all in this Together" over the speakers.

527. Damn it you guys, stop messing with the Transporter!

528a. *Whoever leaves messages written in some form for rune-code in Rec. Room 5, please stop it, give us a translation and/or give us the code.

528b. *Labo vi Orodruin; garich i dhôl goll o Orch!

528c. *Please translate (you failed to give us the code).

528d. *Go jump in Mount Doom, you have the hollow head of an orc!

528e. Well that was a bit harsh, jeez. And before you say it, we will refer to Rule #77a. Later. Much later.

529. *No one is allowed to shout "Avengers assemble!" when the Captain tells the members of the landing party to meet in the transporter room to beam down to the planet.

530. You are also not allowed to shout "Thundercats, HOOO!" when the Captain calls the landing party to the transporter room.

531. The _Enterprise_ does not need its own investigative news crew.

532. As fun as it was, you are no longer allowed to turn the Hangar Deck or any of the Cargo Bays into a beach.

533. When taking a shuttlecraft out, do not say to the operator, "Open the pod bay doors, HAL." None of them are named 'Hal'.

534. Unless you know how to, do not play Mr. Scott's bagpipes.

535. Dr. McCoy is not afraid to go on strike if he get too many minor cases or people come in for no real reason. Unless you really need medical attention, take care of minor injuries yourself.

536. It is recommended that you wear matching socks.

537. It is also recommended that you wear standard issue socks, not crazy ones… we're not going into detail.

538. Stop stealing people's socks.

539. When something comes with a "Don't try this at home", it has a sub-warning of "Don't try this on _Starships_ either"!

540. *Please refrain from telling Security guards to write out their will if they are chosen for the landing party.

* * *

"ARGH!"

Everyone turned around as Chekov chased Lt. Riley out of the Rec. Room.

"What was that?" Sorren asked.

"Riley gave Chekov a pat on the back," a Yellow-Shirt answered.

There was an all around cringe at the table. "Ooh..."

* * *

Rule #528a-d are from _Werepanther33, _Rule #529 is from _My Beautiful Ending_, and #540 is from _Ecilya_.


	27. Chapter 27

I honestly don't know how I lost track of so much time. My life has been crazy the last few weeks, you have no idea! Okay, maybe some of you do, sort of, but whatever. Please enjoy, don't hate me for taking so long to update this, and remember to Review!

* * *

Lt. Arti West looked around the table. Normally, her three Ensign friends were a lively group at lunch: Grant retelling his latest escapade, Fiona scolding him with a smile on her face, and Kyle going over his latest projects. However today was different. Today, all three were silent.

"That's it!" West said finally. "What is up with you guys? You haven't said a word this entire time!"

"Oh, sorry," Sorren said.

West gave him a look, and he figited in his seat.

"We have a lot on our minds," O'Shea said. "Kind of… I don't think it will happen for me…"

"What will happen?" West asked.

"Promotions are coming up," Billings replied. "Didn't you hear?"

"Oh, that," West sighed. "What are you so nervous about? You guys will be fine. And if you don't make it this time, there is always next time, right?"

"Yeah," Sorren said. "I suppose…"

They all watched as Sorren suddenly jumped into the air as his PADD went off. "Damn it!" he cried.

"Wow, Kyle," Billings laughed. "The Rule makers seem to have it out for you."

Once O'Shea stopped rolling around on the floor, they opened the attachment.

* * *

541. You are no longer allowed to sleep in a "real pile" in public areas (this goes under Rule #371 as well).

542. *Stop asking Uhura to speak Wookie. There is no such language.

543a. Do not install a cassette player and/or CD player in the Helm console.

543b. And please uninstall the one that is there now.

544. *No deciding the Bridge personnel's personal soundtrack and playing it whenever they make an appearance.

545. *The Rohan theme is hereby banned from the Enterprise.

546. *It is remarkably stupid to let your pet tarantula loose in the rec rooms.

547. Do not call Nurse Chapel "Cuddy".

548. Mr. Scott will not, nor does he know how to, build the _Enterprise_ an "improbability drive".

549. Stop yelling "Holy (insert-something-here) Batman!"

550. No, Spock does not turn into a Vulcan version of the Hulk if you (manage) to get him angry, even though he is already green (ish) and much stronger than a human.

551. *Do not smuggle naked male crewmen into the Captain's bed while he is asleep (no, _seriously_).

552. You can no longer challenge Klingons, Romulans, or hostiles in general while wearing a yellow and black jumpsuit and a katana sword.

553. Stop messing with Mr. Scott's sandwiches.

554. Do not use "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock" around Mr. Spock.

555. Chekov is not a monkey.

556. For future reference, Klingons do not have tails.

557a. ARE YOU (content edited) (content edited) (content edited) ME? IF ANY (content edited) THINK OF (content edited) (content edited) AGAIN, YOU WILL HAVE YOUR (content edited) (content edited) (content edited) IN (content edited) (content edited)!

557b. What?

557c. Don't ask.

558. Do not send a message to a defeated ship with the song "I Will Survive".

559. Stop calling Mr. Spock Cmdr. Straker.

560a. Sulu and Chekov, or any other Helm and Navigation operators, are no longer permitted to allow other crewmembers to work the Helm and Navigation consoles just so they can say "It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark… and we're wearing sunglasses" followed by "Hit it".

560b. That being said, Helm and Navigation operators are no longer permitted to say that when they take over for their shifts.

* * *

West looked at her three Ensign friends. They were all smiling now. She smiled too; sometimes it was the little things that made the day.

* * *

Rule #542 is from _My Beautiful Ending_, #544 is from _Jedi Ani Unduli_, #545-546 are from _Werepanther33_, and #551 is from _antra_. If you have suggestions, send them in a PM!


	28. Chapter 28

Hello everybody! Hope you had a nice weekend and such. So, I have a job for you lot, my readers. I am putting up a poll on my profile, and I would like you to vote. It would seem my little Foursome have taken on a life of their own, and would like to move up in the world. It is up to you to determine how they do just that. The Poll goes up today, and you have two weeks to vote for the first round, or until I post the next set of Rules.

So remember to review, go vote (it should be up there). Thanks again!

* * *

"Sorren, if you keep that up, you are going to destroy that napkin."

Ensign Sorren looked down at the knot of fabric in his hands. One of the edges was already frayed. "Sorry, Arti."

Lt. West sighed. "Don't apologize to _me_, it's your napkin."

"I take it you are still nervous about promotions?" Billings asked.

Sorren nodded. "Yeah, kind of."

"Dude, don't worry about it!" O'Shea said, slapping his friend on the back. "You'll be fine."

"I'm not exactly on Mr. Spock's good side," Sorren replied.

"Hey, if anybody has to worry about this stuff, it's Grant here," West said. "And if he's not worried, you shouldn't be."

"She's right, Kyle," Billings said. "You know what they say about Mr. Scott choosing his promotions."

"Scotch and dartboards," O'Shea snorted. Billings glared at him.

"Yeah, I guess you guys are right," Sorren said. Suddenly, he burst out grinning. "All right, they're here!"

* * *

561. Yes, at one point Klingons looked different. What does that have to do with the _Enterprise_?

562. *Stop shouting "DON'T PANIC!" whenever the ships goes to Red Alert. We know you're trying to help, but it really doesn't help.

563. Do not yell "The Red-Shirts are coming! The Red-Shirts are coming!" when Security personnel respond to a security call.

564. You are not allowed to play the Green Hornet theme when the ship goes into warp (especially when Sulu is at the Helm).

565. Do not flick Klingons off.

566. Stop asking the replicators for "dry white toast" and "four fried chickens and a coke". They will not give it to you.

567. Do not call other starships and ask them if their warp engines are running, and then end the communication after telling them to go and catch them. Everybody is starting to hate us for that, and several more Klingon ships want us destroyed, so please stop!

568a. Do not call the _Enterprise_ a "big lumbering moose" in front of Captain Kirk. It doesn't matter

568b. Or cow.

5681c. It doesn't matter if you say it in another language, don't say it!

569. If any of you manage to knock out power to some part or most of the ship, _report that you did so_. Your punishment will be far LESS severe than if a superior has to go looking for you, and the rest of us can have our power back much quicker.

570. We are not sure if the cake is a lie or not, stop asking.

571. There is no planet called "Cybertron".

572. "Danger" is not your middle name. We looked them up.

573. The next person who tries to rescue Lt. Uhura and/or calls her a "damsel in distress" will get a punch to the face from said "damsel in distress".

574. Stop asking Sulu if he has a neighbor called Totoro.

575a. To avoid any more sporting event induced fights, the big screen in Rec. Room 4 is to only be used for post-season games, playoffs, or championship games, not regular season games.

575b. Rule 575a can be overruled when everyone (or the majority) of people can agree on a game to watch.

576. *There will be no Segway Human Transporters on board. Despite what you lot may think the ship is _not _all that big and in no need of those scooter things.

577. *Rollerblading/roller-skating in the hallways is prohibited. Again, the ship is not that big. And as Dr. McCoy puts it, we are not (and we quote) "the crew of a friggin' Starship, not a bunch of carhops at a drive in restaurant" (end quote)!

578a. *Stop calling the Catian officers Cat. It is very offensive.

578b. Same with calling them Kit, Kitty, Kitty-Cat, Pussy Cat, or anything along those lines.

579. Stop stealing people's clothes for Christ's sake!

580. Do not have the new crew members stand up in front of everybody on their first day and say "Everyone, this is Ensign/Lieutenant/Lieutenant Commander So-and-so. Be nice to them and help them out with learning the ropes" or anything of that nature. It's traumatizing the newbies.

* * *

"Hey, they didn't startle you this time," West said.

Sorren nodded happily. "I reconfigured the vibrate setting on my PADD. So it shouldn't… yipe!"

O'Shea laughed as Sorren jumped into the air. "You think you could reconfigure mine?" he asked.

* * *

Rule #562 is from _Music-Maniac-At-17_, Rules #576-577 are from _My beautiful Ending_, and Rule #578a is from _Jason Kardom_.

P.S. Frank Sinatra rules. Just putting that out there.


	29. Chapter 29

*Drum rolls across page*

Well that wasn't what I expected. Not what I expected at all. While I go and catch that drum before the school band notices it is missing, and so we can do this properly, you go read what is below. Seeing as we do not have a majority in the Pole, time to move on to round two. Pick one or the other, that's it! The final result will come in two weeks. Honest. Mark your calendar if you wish! If you voted in Round One, you can now vote again!

Remember to review. And Enjoy. And Laugh. And vote, if you want.

* * *

Lt. Arti West sat at the lunch table in the back left corner of the Rec. Room, waiting for the others. The few weeks of promotions were almost over, with only a few departments left. She sighed, and chased here peas around her plate with her fork.

"Hiya Arti!"

She looked up. "Grant, hey."

Grant O'Shea sat down. He was smiling.

"What's that look for, Grant? You get the promotion?" West asked.

"Nope!" O'Shea replied. "That went to one Ensign now Lieutenant Pavel Chekov."

"And you're happy about this?"

"Yep."

"…Okay. Hey, where are the others?"

O'Shea shrugged. "Probably still stressing. Mr. Spock is dragging his decision out as long as possible, and Mr. Scott still has another dart board."

West rolled her eyes. "Well..."

"Hold that thought!" O'Shea cried as he pulled out his PADD. "Time to find out what we can't do anymore!"

* * *

581. *Dying Scotty's kilt pink is prohibited.

582. *Dying Mr. Spock's shirt pink is also prohibited.

583a. *Stop signing Mr. Scott up for Intergalactic Alcoholics Anonymous. Just because he drank an alien under a table once…

583b. ONCE! Mr. Scott begs to differ

583c. Please refer to Rule #77a.

584. Stop referring to Dr. McCoy as "MC Coy". He does not find it amusing in the least bit.

585. *Lt. Sulu and the rest of the botanical officers kindly request that you, and we quote, "STOP FEEDING THE CARNIVOROUS PLANTS CAFFEINE", end quote.

586. *The xeno-zoology department also requests that you stop feeding the Agiean fish (the really weird looking ones) caffeine.

587. Mr. Spock has just about had it with people feeding caffeine to the lab animals, and is about ready to ban caffeine from the Science department altogether. So the entire Science department requests that you please stop so they can have their coffee while on duty.

588. Do not plug electronic devices directly into the warp engines to "charge them faster". You will probably destroy the things before they are fully charged.

589. Stop calling the Security members on away teams lemmings.

590. Helm and Navigation personnel are no longer allowed to wear sunglasses while on duty.

591. Granted the Houyhnanns are equine in appearance, do not refer to them as "My Little Ponies".

592. Stop calling Dr. McCoy "Ratchet". He is a doctor, not a mechanic.

593. Stop calling Mr. Spock "Preceptor".

594. Would you please stop yelling "It's a trap!" every time a Klingon or hostile vessel shows up?

595. Stop calling Mr. Spock Bill Nye. He doesn't get it, even if you show him the intro music.

596. Stop making Scotty say "I'm a Russian submarine commander".

597. Chekov is not a "Russian submarine commander", as much as he wants to be.

598. *Do not pull the "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" routine on the Captain. He may tell you what you ask of him, and you **will **regret it.

599. *Do not run the aforementioned routine on Mr. Spock (even if Dr. McCoy, Mr. Scott, the Captain, or anybody else tries to bribe you to do it), as you will run the risk of getting nerve pinched.

600. When Chekov tells you something is invented in Russian, consult either a friend or the Computer before taking it for fact.

* * *

West shook her head. "I still can't get over the shenanigans this crew gets into."

"Well, there is more than one reason as to why this ship is so famous."

West and O'Shea looked up as Billings and Sorren sat down. O'Shea handed over his PADD.

* * *

Rules #581-583a are from _Darkwood Princess_, #585-586 are from _Werepanther33_, and #598-599 are from _SetPhasers2Stun_. Thank you all of those who have submitted ideas! I love you all for ever and a half! And I promise, everything will return to normal soon!


	30. Chapter 30

*Drum rolls across page again*

Well, it is supposed to be a drum roll... Whatever. So, yeah. Thanks to the few of you who actually voted. I've decided that it probably wasn't the best idea to begin with, for a few reasons (we won't go into details).

And since I forgot to do this last time, 600+ RULES! Thank you all so much for your reviews, ideas, antics, and putting up with me. Trust me, this chapter and the ones to come would never exist if it weren't for you the Readers, so thank you!

Without further ado, here are more Rules we would all love to break. Remember to review!

* * *

"Hey, Grant, where is everyone?" Lt. West asked.

"Heck if I know," O'Shea replied with a shrug. "Oh wait… yo Fiona!"

Fiona Billings walked over. "Hi guys."

O'Shea looked at her blank sleeve and frowned. "Didn't get it, huh?"

"What, the promotion?" Billings shrugged. "Didn't need it, really. There's always next time around."

West opened her mouth to reply, but smiled instead. "Speaking of next time around…"

The other two turned around. Kyle Sorren walked over with a smile on his face and two gold braids, one on each sleeve.

"All right Kyle!" Billings said.

"I know!" Sorren said. "Lt. Kyle Sorren, at your service." He finished with a bow.

Billings and O'Shea clapped, and West shook his hand. "Welcome to the club."

Sorren grinned sheepishly.

The celebration was cut short at O'Shea's PADD buzzed across the table. "Looks like you'll have more rules to follow now, Lieutenant!" he said as he prevented the PADD from falling to the floor.

* * *

601a. Stop asking Captain Kirk to teach you how to play fizzbin.

601b. Might I remind you people gambling is illegal on Starfleet ships?

601c. ...Your point?

602. *The water tank in Engineering is for cooling down machinery, NOT crewmembers. Thus, stop using it as a swimming pool (not to mention it is a safety hazard).

603. *Mr. Spock is not Lt. Uhura's "love slave" (he doesn't even know what that is, please keep it that way).

604. *Lt. Uhura is not Mr. Spock's "love slave" (seriously, whoever said that, there is a Communications officer waiting to kill you).

605. Stop telling people "We're on a mission from God", because we are not, and it took several days to explain to the Saminans that we are not on a jihad of some type.

606. Lion-O is not M'Ress' cousin. She is not related to any "ThunderCat", nor does she know what that is.

607. The _Enterprise _Computer is not GLaDOS.

608. You may not wear glasses on an away mission so the inhabitants of the planet "won't find out about your secret identity".

609. Stop calling Chekov Illya Kuryakin. As much as he takes it as a complement, it is getting on his nerves.

610. ***DO NOT**, under **ANY **circumstances, replace Captain Kirk's or Dr. McCoy's coffee with decaf-coffee. We have a video and several bruised egos to show why this is a bad idea.

611. Stop referring to Mr. Spock's quarters as "The Spock Casa".

612a. Playing Capture the Flag onboard is now prohibited.

612b. (Has been removed by request)

613. Yeah, we don't know what happened to that cloaking device thing either, so stop asking.

614. *Dr. McCoy is not "Dr. Feelgood", stop calling him that it is starting to get on his nerves.

615. Please stop calling the Security personnel "Kenny". There are only three of them who have that name (Ken Johnson, Kenneth Brady, and Matt Kennedy).

616. *If you are on a planet where everyone has unexpectedly died, **DO NOT** take off you protective suit to scratch.

617. Do not challenge Captain Kirk to a rap battle. He is not interested.

618. You are not allowed to respond to an order from the Captain by saying "Yes sir, Captain Tightpants".

619. Dr. McCoy does not need an "Easy Button". Nor does Mr. Scott (he already has one).

620. You can no longer play Apples to Apples on the Bridge.

* * *

"So how does it feel, Ky?" O'Shea asked.

"Oh, not much different than before," Sorren replied. "But now I can tell you to go and get me a PB&J and you have to do it."

"Do not!" O'Shea cried.

"Grant, he can," Billings whispered. "He outranks you now."

O'Shea huffed as he stood up. "This is abuse of power."

* * *

Rule #602 is from _Darkwood Princess_, #603-604 are from _Lisa Chase_, #610 is _Werepanther33_, #614 is from _The Great Space Hobo_, and #616 is from _Jason Kardom_. If you have any ideas or suggestions, send them in a PM. If you would like any to become Reasons, just say so!


	31. Chapter 31

Halloween has been canceled due to weather. No I am not kidding. Okay, maybe a little, but seriously Mother Nature, this is ridiculous! Still, Happy Halloween *hands out virtual candy*! Here are some Halloween themed Rules. Remember to Review!

* * *

The Rec. Room was out of order. Not that anyone was complaining, the regular lunch crowd showed up as usual after making lunch at other replicators. Sure they could go to the other Rec. Rooms, but what fun would that be? The corridor was lined with crew members eating lunch picnic style while chatting with those around them.

West shook her head. "Sometimes, I wonder if this transfer was a good idea."

"Oh?" O'Shea said. He stuffed the rest of his sandwich into his mouth.

"This ship is crazy!" West said. "Seriously, if you guys were on the _Potemkin, _I don't know what would happen..."

"That's why we're on the _Enterprise_!" Billings replied. She looked down the hall at the rest of the crew members who were eating lunch. "Am I right guys?"

"Right!" they all replied.

Several PADDs buzzed in the hall, resulting in several happy reactions.

"After all, we have Rules to keep us in line," O'Shea pointed out.

"Most of the time," Sorren muttered.

* * *

621. No bonfires onboard.

622. Mr. Spock will not dress up for Halloween. Do not replace his wardrobe with costumes.

623. Do not beam hats onto people's heads (however we give you major kudos for figuring out how to do that).

624. Do not scare Dr. McCoy. He will honestly punch the next person to jump out and yell "BOO!" in the face.

625. There is no such position as "Ship's Philosopher". Thus, you cannot be a "Ship's Philosopher" just to get out of shaving in the morning.

626. *Dr. McCoy is not "Dr. Feelgood", stop calling him that it is starting to get on his nerves.

627. Notice to Security and Engineering Personnel: You are not allowed to dress up as zombies next Halloween.

628a. Note to everybody else: You are not allowed to dress up as redshirted zombies for Halloween next year.

628b. We don't care how awesome it was, you can't do it.

629a. No more "Pumpkin football".

629b. Or baseball

629c. Or hockey

629d. Or any pumpkin sports.

630. Do not load the torpedo tubes with pumpkins.

631. Do not get your head stuck in a pumpkin. Dr. McCoy will be more than tempted to turn you into the jack-o'-lantern for Sickbay, so don't do it.

632a. Do not turn Mr. Spock's quarters into a haunted house.

632b. Same with Engineering.

632c. And the Bridge.

632d. And Sickbay (considering they've decorated it already... so never mind).

633. *None of Dr. McCoy's patients are "only mostly dead".

634a. *You cannot burst into Sickbay yelling that Dr. McCoy is a liar, that you are his wife, not a witch, and that the patient said "true love".

634b. Especially if said patient is the Captain or Mr. Spock.

635. You are not allowed to dress up as Mr. Spock for Halloween.

636. Dressing up as Trelane is not an appropriate costume for Halloween.

637. *Stop trying to set up Chekov and Joanna McCoy (Dr. McCoy's daughter) through Starbook (even if they are close to the same age).

638. *NEVER mess with Scotty's Engine Room.

639. You are not allowed to dress up as tribbles for Halloween.

640. For goodness sake, Chekov, The Great Pumpkin is not a Russian folk tale!

* * *

"I have a feeling there's going to be a ban on pumpkins next year," O'Shea said.

"Oh jee, ya think?" Sorren replied.

Nobody bothered to break the argument up for the next few minutes.

* * *

Rule #626 is from _The Great Space Hobo_, and #627-628a are inspired from a conversation I had with _The Great Space Hobo_ (personally, I think that is an awesome idea for a costume. Star Trek and zombies...), # 633-634a are from _Michelle the Editor_, #637 is from _Darkwood Princess_, and #638 is from _Jedi_ _Ani Unduli_. Thank you all for your Rule suggestions, including those who didn't have any this time around. Feel free to continue suggesting!

I'm not sure how this keeps working out, but Ch. 31 is posted on the 31st... so good at this game!


	32. Chapter 32

I am having a good day. Strange, considering it is a Monday. I AM NOT COMPLAINING!

*Random Dance Party*

Okay, now that that's over, remember to review when you are done reading. Reviews will make my day even better.

* * *

"Bringing your work to lunch today, Lieutenant?"

Sorren ignored the question.

"Earth to Lt. Sorren…" O'Shea said. He waved his hand in front of Sorren's face. "Hel-loo!"

"That comment does not really apply," Sorren muttered. "And yes, I brought my work with me. I need to have this report done by 1400!"

Billings sighed and leaned on her hand. "I think Mr. Spock is making an impression on him."

"I think Mr. Spock has done that to most Science people," West said. "For goodness sakes, Sorren, put the PADD down for a minute and eat!"

"I'm almost done," Sorren replied.

The other three shook their heads and turned back to their own food, leaving Sorren to his PADD and slowly cooling soup.

Suddenly, the PADD jumped from Sorren's hands. Several other PADDs buzzed around the Rec. Room.

"Thank you Rule makers!" O'Shea laughed.

* * *

641. *Kirk is not Hershel Layton. Stop calling him that.

642a. *Chekov is not Luke Triton. Stop with the Layton stuff!

642b. Actually, could you explain it to us? No one is exactly sure what it is…

643. *The crew of the _Farragut _is lying; no Starship is allowed to have "casual Fridays". Not to mention WE TOLD YOU THIS ALREADY!

644. Reminder to Medical staff: the word "sample" is to be used _sparingly_ around Mr. Chekov.

645. No, we are not renaming any of the shuttlecrafts "_Ark_". Stop asking.

646. Mr. Scott will not build you a "shoe communicator", even if it makes sense for covert missions.

647a. Whoever programmed the main view screen on the Bridge to look like an old Microsoft Windows desktop, please change it back.

647b. Making the main view screen on the Bridge look like an old Apple computer desktop does not help.

647c. Okay, now the view screen looks like a TI-131.

647d. And now it looks like an iPad 5. KNOCK IT OFF! Seriously, the Bridge crew is starting to get annoyed by the fact that Chekov seems to be the only one who can currently work the thing.

648. *If you get injured enough to warrant medical attention, Dr. McCoy wants you to wear underwear under your uniform.

649. *The nurses are not Dr. McCoy's personal harem. Refrain from calling them that.

650. Do not use any "fun" fonts for your reports. If it isn't the standard font, it is not allowed to be used on official documents like reports.

651. Stop telling the Helm operator to "Do a barrel roll!" They will not do a barrel roll.

652. You are not allowed to wear you "I *heart* Klingons" shirt anywhere except your own quarters.

653. You are not allowed to use the main view screen to check the winning numbers of the Intergalactic Lottery.

654a. Helm and Navigation operators are not allowed to bring toy dinosaurs onto the Bridge while on duty. Even during Gamma shift.

654b. Toy dinosaurs are not allowed on the Bridge in general, but Helm and Navigation in particular.

655. You are not permitted to name a new plant species "Audrey II".

656a. The next person to play "Star Trekkin'" in any part of the ship other than their quarters or personal music player will be very sorry.

656b. On a side note, Mr. Sulu and Mr. Chekov, and the rest of the Navigation and Helm departments would like to point out that there is a 'Reverse', and they know exactly where it is.

657. Lt. Sulu does not have a twin brother named "Kaoru".

658. There is no such thing as a "Soot Gremlin", and they do not inhabit Engineering.

659a. *Life-size cutouts are hereby **banned** from the _Enterprise_.

659b. It's not funny anymore! Stop scaring the CO with that antique Edward Cullen cutout. Same with scaring Chekov. Do you have any idea how long it took to get him out of his room this morning?

660. Do not lock Spock and Nurse Chapel in a turbo lift just to see what happens.

* * *

"Now eat your lunch!" West said. "You still have an hour and a half."

Sorren shrugged and quietly slurped up a spoonful of soup. He made a face. "Hey Fiona?"

"Yes?" Billings answered.

"Do you think you could change the replicator's recipe for chicken noodle?" Sorren asked. "It doesn't have enough salt."

Billings rolled her eyes. "I'll see what I can do."

* * *

Rule #641-642a are from _Mosstail-Jaywing_, #643 is from _My Beautiful Ending_, #648-649 are from _antra_, and #659a-b are from _The Great Space Hobo_.

Remember, if you have any Rule ideas/suggestions, send them in a PM. Requests for Reasons can be in a review or a PM.


	33. Chapter 33

*Gasp!* What is this? I am updating the Rules on a Friday? Say What?

I have a perfectly good reason for doing so. Today is very special, I will have you know. And I forgot to do this Monday.

So remember to Review! I do love hearing from my readers. Might be a little while before I update anything, but I have plans for the future!

* * *

Lt. Sorren ignored the strange glances that were sent his way by those in the Rec. Room. He proudly carried the square red container (the only one he could find) with him towards a table occupied by two of his friends: Billings and O'Shea.

"What's that?" O'Shea asked as Sorren sat down.

"Just a little something I made up," Sorren replied. "Where's Arti?"

"She had to leave," Billings answered. "Seems there was some trouble in Sickbay."

Sorren nodded. "I see. Well, we'll just have to save her some!"

"Save her some of…" O'Shea's mouth dropped open as Sorren lifted the lid of the container. "Is that _cake_?"

"Angel food cake," Sorren corrected. "I made it last night. Do you guys realize what time of year it is?"

"The holidays?" Billings asked. She could already picture the lights being hung in her room by her roommate, and Mr. Scott practicing for New Year's.

"No," Sorren said. "One year ago this week we joined the _Enterprise_!"

O'Shea and Billings looked at each other. "I didn't even realize it!" O'Shea said.

"One year already?" Billings added.

They were interrupted as the container of cake suddenly buzzed and vibrated a few inches across the table. Sorren laughed. "My PADD! I had almost forgot! It's been a year since we learned our first rules!"

* * *

661. *Sulu will not beat up people you don't like with a sword, so stop trying to hire him!

662. Stop attaching bells to M'Ress' uniform.

663. You cannot shout "Autobots, roll out!" after Captain Kirk assembles a landing party and tells them to head for the transporter room.

664. Do not spike the punch.

665a. *Another One Bites the Dust" is not appropriate victory music.

665b. Is too!

666. When Dr. McCoy tells someone they have some disease, do not say "There's a hypo for that!" even if there is.

667. Stop labeling stuff. We all know what a chair, replicator, work console, etc. is.

668. Mr. Scott will not DJ for your party.

669. Stop calling Nurse Chapel 'Hotlips', especially around Mr. Spock.

670. The next person to call Captain Kirk "Emperor" is going to get Gamma Shift for a month. And that is a paraphrased quote, so stop.

671. "Live long and suck it!" is not an appropriate reaction in the event that you win something.

672. *The Computer is not "Holly", stop calling it that.

673. Stop calling Dr. McCoy "Simon". He doesn't get it and it is annoying him.

674a. Do not "borrow" Sulu's espresso machine in order to open a Coffee Shop in Rec. Room 4 without asking him first.

674b. Also, don't "borrow" it without asking him how to work it first!

675a. *You do not need to celebrate Towel Day.

675b. *Or Waffle Day

675c. Or any holiday that is not on a standard issue calendar.

676. *Please refrain from asking Scotty whether he has experience horseback riding… in a, erm, kilt. Seriously, the environmental controls in your quarters could and will suffer unpleasant malfunctions.

677. Stop stealing Mr. Scott's pants so he has to wear his kilts while on duty. Engineering does not appreciate the fact you have been doing this.

678. Stop asking Mr. Scott what… LOOK, THE DUDE'S SCOTTISH, HE WEARS KILTS! ENOUGH ALREADY!

679. Stop sticking bobble-heads and hula dancers to the Helm and Navigation console. The bobble-heads are annoying, and the dancers are distracting, and both can be dangerous projectiles should they come loose.

680. There is no such thing as a "Get out of the brig free card".

* * *

Sorren raised his fork of cake. "To the Rules and the _Enterprise_?"

O'Shea and Billings raised their own forks of cake. "To the Rules and the _Enterprise_!"

* * *

Rule #661 is from _Darkwood Princess_, #665a is from _Michele the Editor_, #672 is from _Jason Kardom_, #657a-b are from _Werepanther33_, and #676 is from _SetPhasers2Stun_.


	34. Chapter 34

Hello everybody! I was thinking last night "I'm forgetting something, aren't I?" and realized yes, I was. So here is the newest installment of Rules. So what if it's not a Monday?

Remember to Review!

* * *

"Uh-oh."

Billings and Sorren looked at West. "What?"

"I think Grant heard "Dominic the Donkey" one too many times," West whispered.

All three inadvertently jumped as O'Shea slammed his tray down onto the table, sat next to Sorren, and shoved a spoonful of soup into his mouth.

"What's wrong, Grant?" Sorren asked.

"I want to get my hands on whoever keeps on playing the same ten songs over and over again," O'Shea grumbled. "Seriously, I can only listen to Steve Parsons sing "It's the Most Wonderful Time of Year" so many times!"

"Yeah, I think the Earth holiday season is getting to everybody," Billings said. "Is it strange that I now kind of appreciate the bagpipes?"

"Dr. McCoy wasn't pleased with the mini tree someone put in his office the other day," West said. "However he did leave it in the main room for us to decorate."

They all looked at Sorren. "Kyle, why are your pants buzzing?" O'Shea asked.

Sorren pulled out his PADD. "Because it's time to learn what we need not do this season."

* * *

Notice: Please refer to Rules #176-216 for more rules regarding the holiday season.

681. Snowmen cannot and do not fly, except in zero gravity and went you launch them into outer space, both of which you are not allowed to do.

682. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS THAT ARE HOLY GAVE YOU THE IDEA THAT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO SEND _KAHN _A CHRISTMAS CARD?

683. You may not dress Chekov up as an angel and put him on top of a Christmas tree.

684. The next person to play that Trepak song from _The Nutcracker _around Chekov is going to be sorry (the rest of us are getting sick of it, Chekov will just dance again and not care).

685. *Just because Dr. McCoy is normally cranky, picks fights with almost everyone, and (appears) to have only two really close friends does not mean you may call him Sherlock Holmes. He'd prefer Watson.

686. You may not call Dr. McCoy Dr. Watson.

687. What gave you the idea that it was a good idea to invite _Klingons _to the holiday party? Don't do it again!

688. Do not steal Mr. Scott's bagpipes in an attempt to prevent him from playing them at the upcoming festivities. He knows all of the good hiding places on this ship.

689a. No more snowmen in Mr. Spock's quarters, he does not appreciate your attempts to "get him into the season".

689b. He would also like to remind you that there are no seasons in space.

690. Stop programming the Computer to play "I Can Hear the Bells" every time Nurse Chapel and Mr. Spock are in the same room.

691. No laser pointers around the Catian officers.

692. *Next time a we have a Red Alert, please don't run through the halls yelling, "All hands on deck!"

693a. *The _Enterprise_ is not the _Molentary Express_.

693b. Or the _Hogwarts Express_.

693c. Or the _Polar Express_.

693d. Or the _Wanderer_.

693e. Or the _Oriental Express_.

693f. Or any train.

694. When you are finished with them, please return all Science lab coats to their proper places.

695. The "Occupy the Bridge" protest is getting you nowhere and is not funny anymore.

696. *"Because I'm homesick" is not a good excuse for making it snow in hanger bay 6 (seriously, how do you guys keep doing that?)!

697. You are not allowed to make it snow in the hallways in order to have a "snow day".

698. *DO NOT call Klingons "omlette-headed idiots" unless you want to get shot with a disruptor.

699. Boys, we don't know what gave you the idea that giving a girl your, um, _stuff_ in a box as a present is a good idea, but please, _PLEASE_, stop doing it.

700. Whoever stole all the chairs from the Rec. Room and Mess Hall, please return them.

* * *

O'Shea reached over and grabbed the PADD. "Give me that!"

"Hey! What are you doing?" Sorren protested. O'Shea held him off as he looked over the message of Rules.

"I'm looking for a return address," O'Shea replied. "So I can tell them to tell whoever is in control of the music around here to add variety to their playlist!"

"Makes sense," Billings said. West nodded.

* * *

Rule #685 is from _Jedi Ani Unduli_, #692 is from _Ecilya_, #693a is from _Mosstail-Jaywing_, #696 is from _The Great Space Hobo_, and #698 is from _Addonex_. Thank you all for the Rules.

This has nothing to do with anything, but if you haven't heard of these guys before, go look up _The Piano Guys_ on YouTube. You won't regret it.

Merry/Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, happy whatever you're celebrating. And Happy New Year, just in case.


	35. Chapter 35

Happy New Year everyone! Sorry for the unexplained disappearance of the last few weeks. I'm still alive over here, but I have been busy with other things. So here are more Rules. More Reasons should follow soon.

Enough! Read the Rules! Do not break them! Remember to review!

* * *

The _Enterprise_ was currently in orbit around Star Base 15, waiting for needed supplies and supplies they were to deliver to a colony on Harris V. The crew was taking advantage of the layover of sorts to enjoy a change of scenery. Not that there was much difference between the interior of the _Enterprise _and that of the Star Base.

"At least the food is slightly better," Billings argued.

The four friends were eating in one of the lounges on the Base, enjoying the change of atmosphere from there usual Rec. Room for lunch. Granted they had to pay for the food, but the fact that the food came from a kitchen rather than a replicator made up for it.

"So any idea when we have to leave?" Sorren asked.

"Dr. McCoy said Sickbay is all set," West said.

"Engineering is good," Billings said. "Mr. Scott had a second Christmas when he saw all those new parts for his engines."

"The Science department is triple checking the supplies," Sorren said. "Mr. Spock is very careful with making sure we have everything."

"Well, Navigation doesn't need anthing," O'Shea said. "So I'd say we'd be leaving this place pretty soon."

"Hey!" Sorren reached for his PADD as it buzzed across the table and over the edge. A passing officer caught it.

"Rule update for the crew of the _Enterprise_?" he read the message title.

"Uh…" the four _Enterprise _crew said.

* * *

701a. We don't care how much you suffered in your middle school and high school classes, next time we get stuck in the past you are not allowed to beam down and harass famous literary writers (we are still getting crap for that stunt someone pulled with Shakespeare).

701b. Or anyone who had an impact of Earth culture.

701c. It wasn't us! It was some British dude! Honest!

702a. *Whoever took Captain Kirk's comic book stash, **please** return it! For the love of God, man, we don't care that you took them, just give them back! We want our coffee!

702b. That's why nobody can get the repicators to give out coffee?

702c. _**YES!**_

702d. (content edited)! Hurry up and give them back! Dr. McCoy needs his coffee!

702e. SAME WITH THE REST OF US!

702f. Dude, the Captain is a closet comic book fan?

702g. …If anybody makes _any _closet jokes about that…

703. Do not take Captain Kirk's comic books. He is not afraid to hold the ship's coffee supply hostage until he gets them back.

704. You may not use the Communications station to try and find out what the heck those guys are singing about in that song "One Week", it's stuck in everyone's head.

705. Mr. Giotto is not "The Shadow" and Security personnel are not his "Agents".

706. Screaming "Okay, let's do this, LEEROOOYY, JEEEENKIINNNNNSSS!" while entering any kind of fight or battle is not appropriate. Especially if it's a surprise attack. Nobody on this ship is named Leroy Jenkins.

707. No, you are not allowed to name any of the plants in the botanical gardens "Audrey II".

708. No, we do not have a shuttlecraft called _Serenity_, and no, we will not rename one _Serenity_ nor can we request to name the next shuttlecraft we get _Serenity_.

709. Please stop calling Lt. Galia "Elphaba". She doesn't find it funny.

710. *If a man with a brown pinstripe suit and cream converse is spotted, contact Lt. Hoyle.

711. *If a blue police box is found, contact Lt. Hoyle.

712a. Which one of you Engineering geniuses installed the blue police box on Deck 6? Captain Kirk wants it gone.

712b. Why do you always assume it's us? We didn't install anything on Deck 6. Plus, what are you talking about? There is no blue police box on Deck 6.

712c. Ignore 712a

713. Mr. Scott will not build you a "Transformer". As much as he wants to.

714a. Stop stealing Lt. M'Ress' milk.

714b. Stop stealing and replacing Lt. M'Ress' milk with chocolate milk.

715. *Mr. Spock will not grow a goatee for your amusement.

716a. *Parallel universes do not exist. Stop trying to find them.

716b. Do too!

716c. Do not!

716d. Do too!

716e. Do not!

716f. One, refer to Rule #77a. Two, the existence of parallel universes is unproven.

716g. _Unproven_? Dude, this ship _alone _has proven them a million times over.

716h. They are unproven. **End of discussion**.

717. Captain Kirk is not Achilles, and Mr. Spock is not Patroclus (and vice versa).

718. As much as the doctor approves of the whole thing (seriously, he does find it amusing), you have to take that holo-twitter feed down. People are now getting on his case for it.

719. You are not allowed to leave your shift just because your favorite holo-vision show is on.

720. Look, we understand that it is the Academy's big game and all, but _someone _has to be controlling the ship people!

* * *

The Base officer looked at the four members of the _Enterprise_ crew. "Please tell me this is some kind of joke."

"Sort of…" Sorren said, and shut his mouth as West elbowed him in the ribs.

The officer frowned. "You mean to tell me that some of those stories about that ship." He pointed to the _Enterprise _that was orbiting outside. "Are true?"

The four looked at each other, and thought the same thing at that moment: _"Uh-oh."_

* * *

Rule #702 is from _The Great Space Hobo_, Rules #710-711 are from _Mosstail-Jaywing_, and #715-716a are from _Darkwood Princess_. Thank you!


	36. Chapter 36

It's Monday, and you know what that means! Well, it means my break is officially over at midnight, sadness...

But we shall move on. Enjoy the Rules, remember to review. If you have suggestions, send them in a PM!

* * *

"Kyle, you have clam chowder on your nose."

Lt. Sorren sat up and rubbed his nose. O'Shea's snickers caused him to pause. "Damn it, Grant, not funny!"

O'Shea grinned. "Was too!"

Billings elbowed the Navigator. "Knock it off. Or do you not remember he outranks you?"

"I hate it when you use that against me," O'Shea grumbled.

"Maybe we should set up some Rules for you two," West said as she pulled out her PADD. "But first, we have the ship-wide edition."

* * *

721. *Chekov is not "Russian awesomeness in a can".

722. You are not allowed to send someone to Sickbay because they "have a case of the Mondays".

723. You are not allowed to turn the warp generator into a rock climbing wall.

724. Stop asking the Catian officers if they have a neighbor called Totoro.

725a. *Seriously people, do not call Mr. Spock a "green-blooded hobgoblin". You'd be asking for a nerve pinch.

725b. *Same goes with calling other Vulcans a "green-blooded hobgoblin".

725c. *And Romulans.

726a. Dr. McCoy is the only exception to Rule #725a-725c.

726b. Damn right I am!

727. Stop challenging Lt. Arax to three-legged races. He will always win.

728. There is no such thing as "Space Marines". At least the kind you are describing.

729. *Stop playing _Afternoons in Utopia _and/or _Fantastic Dream _over the ship-wide speakers. Mr. Spock is still trying to figure them out.

730. Stop calling Chekov "Piglet".

731. You are not allowed to play "Minnie the Moocher" over the ship's speakers just so you can slink around the corridors.

732. Stop yelling "Get'er done!"

733. Stop calling Lt. George Weston "Michael". It's getting on his nerves.

734. Enough with the chain letters already!

735. Do not yell/say/whisper "Falcon Punch" whenever Captain Kirk takes someone out with a right hook.

736. Mr. Scott will not build you a "dual portal gun". He's not exactly sure what it is, and is pretty sure it breaks several laws of physics.

737. Dr. McCoy does not have a bird named Archimedes.

738. *Stop asking Lt. Uhura to page Mike Hunt on the ship's intercom. She is going to stun the next person to ask her that.

739a. *Whoever you are, stop stealing Lt. Uhura's red uniform dresses and Mr. Scott's red uniform shirts and replacing them with yellow ones. Just because they (and you) are wearing red **does not mean** they (and/or you) have a higher chance of getting killed (besides, Mr. Scott already died once).

739b. NOT TRUE! IT'S NOT TRUE I TELL YOU!

740. *In regards to Rule #739, please stop programming the Computer to replicate target signs on the back of red uniform shirts/dresses. Security _**really **_doesn't appreciate it. Nor does Engineering.

* * *

"Nice!" Billings said as they finished reading the Rules.

Sorren reached down and pulled out his own PADD. "That's strange, I never got the notification…"

"But you always get it," West said.

"Yeah, everyone gets it!" O'Shea added.

"But I didn't," Sorren said. "It's not in my inbox."

"Weird," Billings muttered.

Three tables away, they failed to notice an intense discussion underway.

"This messager address shouldn't be here!"

"How is it you only noticed now?"

"It was late last night when I put the thing together! But now that I'm looking at them, there is no one on this ship or who was on this ship who has this address."

"An _outsider_ has the Rules?"

"Yeah..."

* * *

Rule #721 is from a story by _Darkwood Princess _titled _From TOS with Love_. I recommend you go check it out. Rule #725a-c is from _Addonex_, #729 is from _Werepanther33_, #738 is from _NorthStar51_, and Rules #739a and #740 are from _Jedi Ani Unduli_. Thank you!


	37. Chapter 37

Hi everyone! Hope you had a nice weekend. Here's something to start the week with. Remember to review!

* * *

"What's wrong, Grant, your food not interesting enough for you?" Sorren asked.

O'Shea shook his head. "No. Have either of you seen Fiona?"

"There was an incident down in Engineering," West replied.

"Oh, okay." O'Shea shrugged and turned his attention to his lunch.

Sorren looked up. "Is it just me, or are there fewer people in here than usual?"

The other two looked around. "Yeah, it does seem kind of… empty," O'Shea said.

"I wonder where everyone is," West muttered.

Sorren held his PADD in place as it tried to buzz across the table. "Well, at least I'm getting the Rules again!"

* * *

741a. *Do not put huge springs in the Captain's chair. He does not appreciate being bounced and thrown into the air, especially when he doesn't expect it.

741b. For those of you who can't resist, we do have video of this.

(741c. See Rule #759a.)

742. If you find something funny, don't leave the rest of us in the dark about it.

(742b. See Rule #759a.)

743. *Chekov does not have a brother named Petor.

(743b. See Rule #759a.)

744. Dr. McCoy does not have "mad ninja reflexes".

(744b. See Rule #759a.)

745. *Stop calling Mr. Scott "MacGyver". Honestly, he's about ready to beat the next person who calls him that over the head with his bagpipes.

(745b. See Rule #759a.)

746. Snuggies are not appropriate to wear while on duty.

(746b. See Rule #759a.)

747. *You cannot request a beam up by saying "Beam me up hottie!" even if Scotty kind of likes it, the other transporter operators are not huge fans.

(747b. See Rule #759a.)

748. *The _Enterprise _does not have Stasis Chambers, stop asking.

(748b. See Rule #759a.)

749. When making homemade music videos, please keep it classy with the music and content.

(749b. See Rule #759a.)

750a. *Don't walk up to people and expect a random puzzle.

750b. This includes Mr. Spock (even though most would say he's a puzzle himself).

(750c. See Rule #759a.)

751. "All roads lead to Rome" does not apply when you are on another planet.

(751b. See Rule #759a.)

752. *Do not sneak onto a Klingon or Romulan ship and write "Kilroy was here" on the walls.

(752b. See Rule #759a.)

753a. Look, we get it already. We know that no one expects the Spanish Inquisition. We're getting tired of you bursting into rooms reminding us of this.

753b. By the way, Dr. McCoy has made it clear that the next time you do that in Sickbay, he _will _make you regret it.

(753c. See Rule #759a.)

754. Who told Chekov that Celfary live on the moon?

(754b. See Rule #759a.)

755. Stop calling Spock "Zeno".

(755b. See Rule #759a.)

756. You cannot play the "Peter Gunn Theme" over the speakers as the ship is sent into warp.

(756b. See Rule #759a.)

757. *Would one of you computer techs _please_ remove the rootkit virus that keeps re-programming the scanner read-outs. Spinning holograms of paper air planes are NOT useful!

(757b. See Rule #759a.)

758. Next time we find something like this floating around in space (http:/ /images. wikia. com/half -life/ en/ima ges/3/3 d/Space ), **do not **beam it aboard, no matter what Mr. Spock or the Captain or anybody says.

(758b. See Rule #759a.)

759a. Writing out the same sentence over and over is not an approved punishment and I will no longer use it as a punishment.

759b. Stop it. Who's idea was this? Are you trying to make our job harder?

760. I will not write out the same sentence on the Official List of Unofficial Rules…

* * *

"Hey, something else is missing in here," West said as they finished reading.

"What?" O'Shea and Sorren looked around.

"That pirate flag in the corner," West replied.

"Great," Sorren sighed. "That means someone is coming to visit."

* * *

Rule #741a is from _Beloved Daughter_, #743 was suggested by someone, please raise thy hand so I can give credit, #745 is from _Addonex_, _The Great Space Hobo _is responsible for #747, #748 is by _Jason Kardom_, #750a is from _Mosstail-Jaywing_, #752 is from _LuvDanceGirl_, and #757 is by _Werepanther33_. Thank you!


	38. Chapter 38

Happy Valentines Day! Even though it's tomorrow. Sorry I haven't been updating or posting any other stories except this thing, I have my reasons.

So please enjoy, laugh, remember to review!

* * *

The Rec. Room was eerily quiet. The entire ship was quieter than usual. Ever since those two officers from Intel had come onboard; everyone knew they were looking for something, and the crew was determined that they wouldn't find it.

"Now you all know what it's like to have Mr. Spock watching you work in the Labs," Sorren said.

"But this is getting ridiculous," Billings said. "There hasn't been a prank in Engineering for days now, and Mr. Scott hid away his pet project."

"Everyone's been cracking down on regulations," O'Shea said. "Even Gamma shift can't get away with things anymore!"

"Dr. McCoy keeps on glaring at our two visitors whenever they come into Sickbay," West said. "He's also been mumbling about…"

"Mail time!" Sorren said as his PADD beeped. "What a strange message subject: We're not gonna… it's them!"

"Who?" Billings asked.

Sorren smiled. "The Rules."

* * *

761. *Captain Kirk is not Flash Gordon.

762. Stop calling Nurse Chapel the Great Fairy.

763. Even though it is a very old question, the _Enterprise_ Computer is not able to tell you which is better: _Star Trek _or _Star Wars_.

764. Stop sneaking into Chekov's room and curling his hair.

765. Singing Valentine-grams are not allowed this year.

766. *No playing bugles at the beginning of Alpha Shift. Beta and Gamma shifts do not appreciate!

767. *DO NOT under ANY circumstances put chocolate in Mr. Spock's drink, knock him out, and then when he wakes up proceed to tell him that he is an elf possessing magical abilities. WE KNOW WHO DID IT AND WE DON'T NEED IT HAPPENING AGAIN!

768. Do not send Mr. Spock boxes of chocolate. It isn't funny, and is a waste of perfectly good chocolate.

769. Phasers + Popcorn = not a good idea. Do not try it!

770. Giant space spiders do not live in asteroid belts.

771. Do not burst onto the Bridge and yell "WE FORGOT SO-AND-SO!" on whatever planet we were last on, when we haven't left them behind.

772. Do not block-up someone's plumbing as a prank because it could affect the rest of the ship.

773a. *Don't get romantically involved with aliens/people from the past or who have been frozen in cryostasis. You will either be court-martialed or left with them. Or both.

773b. *Don't get romantically involved with Androids either.

774. We would like to remind you that actual candles are only allowed for religious/cultural purposes. This does not include romantic dinners.

775. Do not stick gel decorations on the ceiling of the Bridge.

776. *Saying "But the Klingons made me do it!" is not a valid excuse.

777. *Please refrain from running around the ship singing "Wild Thing" at the top of your lungs, no matter what your inner two year old tells you to do.

778. Mr. Giotto is not related to Ezio Auditore da Firenze, whoever that is. In fact, nobody of Italian descent on this ship is related to him. Stop asking!

779. Stop chasing each other around with toilet plungers while yelling "Exterminate!", it's not that funny anymore.

780. "Ain't" still isn't a word last time we checked. Do not use it in reports, around Mr. Spock, or when responding to dignitaries.

* * *

"These are why those guys are here, isn't it?" Billings asked. "It's the Rules, isn't it?"

"Oh gee, what ever gave you that idea?"

The four crew members looked up. "Dr. McCoy? I though you always had lunch…" West started to say.

McCoy shrugged. "The usual crowd was unavailable, so I just came for a sandwich." He shook his head. "Those morons are asking for trouble, sending those out."

"Morons?" O'Shea said. "You mean, you _know _who publishes these?"

"Kid, I'm the Chief Medical Officer," McCoy said. "People tell their doctor things they would never tell anyone else."

Sorren stood up. "Doctor, I must speak with the rule makers. I think this is all my fault."

* * *

Rule #761 is from _Michele the Editor_, #766 and #767 are from _Vulcanblood_, #773a-b are from ShivaVixen, #776 is by _Amyfan4ever_, and #777 is from _Cowgirl Luey_. Thank you!


	39. Chapter 39

Happy Leap Day! How could I resist posting on the day that only comes around every four years? Okay, fine, I forgot Monday, and didn't bother with yesterday. Sorry, thank you for being patient with me!

Anyways, remember to review and stuff like that.

* * *

Ensign O'Shea looked down at the short message on his PADD, and at the number on the wall. He was at the right place, he just couldn't understand why the occupent of the quarters he was standing outside of would invite him over. It wasn't an invitation, the message told him to come, or else. Shrugging, O'Shea pressed the buzzer.

The door opened seconds later. "You're the last one to show up," Lt. Kevin Riley said. "Hurry up."

"Last one?" O'Shea asked. He noticed three others in the room. "Oh, hey guys."

"Hey Grant," Sorren said. "Sorry you guys got dragged in too... not my idea."

"Right, you are all here then," Riley threw them each a PADD. "Read up."

"What are these?" West asked.

Riley grinned. "Tomorrow's Rules."

* * *

781. *No more DC vs. Marvel debates, please? Dr. McCoy has had enough "comic book related injuries. Why can't you just read _normal _books?".

782a. *No, Dr. McCoy is not Dr. Strange, Captain Kirk is not Captain America, and Mr. Spock is not Ultron.

782b. *That's just mean, guys. Mr. Spock is not a villain, despite what the Gamma shift crew of the Science Dept. might think.

782c. In regards to Captain Kirk being called Captain American, if any of you bring up that incident on Omega IV, you will be sorry.

783. Enough with the Random Dance Parties. They are fine when you are off duty, on duty is another story (especially on the Bridge).

784. *Do not replace Captain Kirk's wardrobe with suits and top hats. You will be sorry (and for those of you who want it, we have a video).

785. Stop giving Mr. Scott blue face paint.

786. No we cannot tell you how to get to Sesame Street. Please stop asking.

787. *It is forbidden to paint red eyes on the walls.

788. It is forbidden to write anything in red on the walls.

789. There is no 'h' in Chekov's name, stop putting one in there.

790. Captain Kirk is not Alexander the Great.

791a. Look, we don't want to know, but just stop doing it, okay?

791b. Fine.

791c. What are you talking about?

791d. You don't want to know.

792a. *Communications officers are no longer permitted to answer transmissions from Starfleet Headquarters and tell them we are currently unavailable.

792b. Or to leave a message after the beep, and then say "beep".

793. *No graffiti on the senior officer's doors.

794. Security does not offer classes in self-defense against fresh fruit.

795. Do not camp outside someone's room to wish them happy birthday right on the stroke of midnight. The rest of us, and the birthday person, do not appreciate being woken up like that.

796. *Speculations WILL cease on what the children of the _Enterprise _and Mr. Scott would look like. You have been warned.

797. Flying miniature helicopters and airplanes in the corridors is now prohibited. People are tired of getting hit in the head.

798. We understand that you think someone is stealing your food, but please call Security instead of setting up a really elaborate trap to catch the thief.

799. *Do not say "wave good-bye to your head, wanker!" to someone you're about to shoot.

800. Contrary to popular belief, Dr. McCoy does get the last word, more often than you would think.

* * *

"Well, at least we know they're still working on these," Billings said.

"Yeah, our way of sticking it to the Man," Riley said.

"But why did you bring all of us?" Sorren asked. "It was my PADD..."

Riley shrugged. "Because they've decided your four will save the Rules."

"_What?_"

* * *

Rules #781-782b are from _The Great Space Hobo_, #784 is from _Mosstail-Jaywing_, #787 is from _Werepanther33_, #792a is by _antra_, #793 came from _Lady T'ress_, #796 is by _Vulcanblood_, and #799 is from _MattsyKunTehZebra_. Thank you! And if you have any suggestions, don't forget to send them in a PM!


	40. Chapter 40

Hello again all! I must say, I am surprised with all of the Alerts and Favorites this story continues to receive. So if you are new, welcome! If you are returning, welcome back!

Sorry for any confusion last chapter caused. I kind of dragged this arc longer than needed. Anyways, please enjoy, please review, send suggestions in a PM (no suggestion is stupid or ignored). Thank you!

* * *

Across the _Enterprise_, several PADDs dinged, beeped, buzzed, or (in one case) started singing. It was part of a new "program" to prevent trouble in the future. Instead of the Rules being sent out to everyone, they were sent to a few, who then shared them. The crew had just missed a bullet, and while they knew that Starfleet HQ did not entirely buy the story of the regular messages as "part of keeping up crew moral", it was enough for the time being.

Ensign Billings opened the message and read it over once. A second window popped up. She smiled as her friends joined the conversation.

-O'Shea: Can you believe this new bunch?

-Billings: I'm not questioning them.

-O'Shea: Hey Kyle, did you drop it again?

-Sorren: No, Grant, I did not drop my PADD when it went off. Though Mr. Spock gave me one of his funny Vulcan looks.

-O'Shea: lol.

-Sorren: Shut up!

-West: Boys, leave the arguing for later.

* * *

801. Captain Kirk is not Robin Hood, the Bridge crew is not his band of Merry Men, the Bridge/_Enterprise_ is not Sherwood Forest, and Yeoman Rand/Lt. Uhura/Nurse Chapel is not Maid Marian.

802. *Stop asking Chekov if he was a boy band singer in a past life.

803a. *Stop calling Chekov "Davy Jones" because of his hair. He will tell you his hair style is closer to that of an ancient Russian actor, Walter Koenig, who played the Captain of the Soviet Starship предприятие (which strangely translates into _Enterprise_), who ironically had the same name.

803b. *Before you ask, we've done some research, and Chekov is sorely mistaken on several accounts. However do not call him out on it, because this would fall under Rule #23, and you would lose badly.

804. *Don't ask Scotty about "Nac Mac Feegles".

805.*Stop calling McCoy McKay. Even if it is by accident.

806. Mr. Spock does not need a dictionary of human phrases and colloquialisms, even if it seems like he does, he doesn't need it.

807. Dr. McCoy is not "Doc Savage". He takes offence to being called that.

808. *Do not say "wave good-bye to your head, wanker!" to someone you're about to shoot.

809a. No, we will not "do it for a Scooby Snack".

809b. Or two.

809c. Or a whole box.

810. If Dr. McCoy gets asked one more time about arrow-to-the-knee related injuries, he really will shoot an arrow through your knee, so stop.

811. Yes frying pans are useful. No you may not take them on away missions in place of your phaser.

812. *Do not cut holes in the deck plates just to wait for someone who is not paying attention to fall through said hole.

813. *Do not cut holes in the deck plates in general. It's kind of hard to explain to the Ship Yard…

814a. We don't care if "bow ties are cool", they are not standard uniform, thus you cannot wear them.

814b. Same goes for fezzes.

814c. And Stetsons.

814d. We don't care what that guy said! You can't wear them!

815. *If the ship is under attack, get to your battle stations **IMMEDIATELY**. We realize the ship can and will be jerked about, but that is no reason not to continue to your stations.

816. Do not call Spock's father a Computer (he is an Ambassador) or his mother an encyclopedia (she was a schoolteacher).

817. Keep it PG-13 (though preferably PG) when playing Truth or Dare.

818. You may only use electronic candles for events. We do not need a repeat of last year.

819. Stop trying to turn that Winnebago into something space-worthy, it's not going to turn out well.

820. When you are told to fix something, you may not take a short cut by using duct tape.

* * *

-O'Shea: Pavel does not look like Davy Jones!

-West: Yes he does, look it up!

-Sorren: Fiona looks like Tara Olivers.

-Billings: Do not!

-O'Shea: Holy crap, he does!

-Sorren: Can you tell us his reaction when you show him the Rules, Grant?

-O'Shea: I'll have the camera on. I'll show it at lunch.

* * *

Okay then, Rules #802-803b are from _SetPhasers2Stun_ (RIP Davy Jones), #804-805 are from _Werepanther33_, #808 is by _MattsyKunTehZebra_, _Beloved Daughter _came up with #812-813, and #815 is from _ShivaVixen_. Thank you!


	41. Chapter 41

Hello everyone! My, you're impatient, so here are more Rules for you. Hope you like them, remember to review at the end, and if you think of a few yourself, send them in a PM and I'll add them to the ever-growing list (which, by the way, is getting very close to 1000!).

* * *

Lt. Arti West was glad to be out of Sickbay. Dr. McCoy was in a bad mood, again. He was making life dificult for the entire Medical staff, to the point where M'Benga was about ready to lock McCoy out of Sickbay. But that would have made things only worse, so he didn't.

"Caesar salad," she told the replicator, and five seconds later is opened revealing a nice caesar salad. She picked the salad up and headed over to the table where her friends were waiting.

"...So that's when Jackson just took the coupling, blew into it, and plugged it back in," Billings was saying. "The thing worked perfectly!"

"Understandable," O'Shea replied, shrugging. "Everyone knows that."

"Hey Arti!" Sorren said.

"Hi guys," West replied. "How's your day been?"

"Fine," O'Shea said. "Just waiting for the Update." He pulled out his PADD and waved it in the air. "It's that time."

Luckily for West and her salad, the Update came ten minutes later.

* * *

821. Make sure you understand important planetary customs before you beam down. If you get yourself arrested, your bail will come out of your paycheck. Not to mention we will leave you in jail for a night (hey, the Captain said it first, not us).

822. *If the ship is under attack, get to your battle stations **IMMEDIATELY**. We realize the ship can and will be jerked about, but that is no reason not to continue to your stations.

823a. You cannot "reject" someone's reality and "substitute" your own, it is simply not possible.

823b. It's a phrase, stupid.

823c. Tell Mr. Spock that. He is actually trying to prove it.

823d. Please refer to Rule #77a... wait, he's what?

824. *Stop calling Chekov Zampolit! Seriously, he is about ready to hurt somebody.

825. *Stop singing "Bad Case of Lovin' You" when Dr. McCoy walks by, and no it is not his theme song.

826. Do not fill a person's room with balloons.

827. How the heck did you get footprints on the ceiling?

828. The maximum number of people you can have in your private quarters is ten. This is for your own good, and to avoid any more structural damage.

829. Girls, do not wear large earrings. There is a good chance they will get caught on something.

830. *Do not steal Nurse Chapel's push-up bras to use as snowball shooters.

831a. *Do not stand outside of Sickbay with your 'Glee Club' singing above mentioned song as a round, or any song for that matter. Dr. McCoy is quite adept at hefting standard issue boots at… ahem and we quote… "Caterwauling singers outside my (his) Sickbay".

831b. Same goes for singing in Sickbay. Unless you can actually sing and Dr. McCoy okays it first.

832. Stop stealing the "Do Not Disturb" signs from hotels so you can pin them outside your quarters. If you are late for something, you will be disturbed.

833. Your job is not to "pick things up and put them down". You have other duties too.

834. Lt. Uhura does not speak whale and nether do you.

835. "I took an arrow to the knee" is not an excuse for missing your shift.

836. The _Enterprise_ does not need a mascot (we already have one. His name is Montgomery Scott).

837. Stop telling Chekov about Xenomorphs. They don't exist, and he now refuses to go on away missions.

838. Stop randomly showing up with a bowl of pasta and shouting "PAAAAASTAAAAAAA!"

839. You are not allowed to watch _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic _on the main view screen.

840. "Give me liberty, or give me death" is _probably_ not the best thing to tell a Klingon with some kind of weapon in his/her hand.

* * *

"Well, time to go and spread the word," Billings said.

The four stood up, and after clearing their plates, headed off to their respective departments.

* * *

Rule #822 came from _Shiva-Vixen_, #824 is from _Werepanther33_, #825 is by _The Great Space Hobo_, #830 comes from _Cowgirl Luey_, and #831a is by _SetPhasers2Stun_. Thank you!


	42. Chapter 42

Hallo once again! _Puddingcup_ asked for some April Fool's themed Rules, so I went and found as many prankyish rules as I could find in my ever-growing Master List. So, happy April Fool's (yes it was last week, whatever), happy Easter, happy Passover, happy whatever-other-holidays-are-at-this-time. Remember to review! Enjoy!

* * *

Lt. Sorren winced as he sat down. His rear end was still a little sore from last week. His pride was a little sore as well.

"Is it still bothering you, Kyle?" West asked.

"You try going around for three hours with a 'Kick Me' sign taped to your back," Sorren mumbled, and took a bite out of his panini.

"Hey, at least we got through it without any food fights this year," O'Shea said.

"You're forgetting about the pie incident on Deck 5," said Billings. "But that only resulted in a minor mess."

The conversation was placed on hold as their PADDs all buzzed. "Looks like we're going to learn the full extent of the immaturity of some this crew," West said.

"We are not _that_ immature!" O'Shea snapped.

* * *

841. *You do not have lupis, knock it off already.

842. *Don't give Mr. Spock a music box covered in kittens that plays 'Soft Kitty Warm Kitty'. Yes, he likes cats; yes, he can get ill… but he likes to meditate to feel better, not listen to that silly song.

843. No more jumping out of cakes.

844. Do not call Klingons "Cossacks". Thanks to a certain Russian navigator, they now know that is an insult.

845. *Please stop painting the word 'Aperture' on the Science Department's doors.

846. Who put plastic wrap across the hallway on Deck 5? Take it down and don't do it again.

847. Dr. McCoy will now start charging people who come to him to have a tattoo removed that they don't remember getting in the first place.

848. *The Captain has a (childish) revoltion to vegetables, so do not force him to eat them.

849a. Would you stop putting those stone angel statues in random places around Engineering? They are seriously freaking Mr. Scott out (though he won't say why) and he keeps on staring at them, which is seriously freaking us out...

849b. By the way, Mr. Scott, our sources tell us those statues are made of plaster.

850. Do not read _Goodnight Moon_ over the loud speakers to everyone. We are not three years old.

851. *Stop dropping logs on the Captain every time he says "Captain's Log". He doesn't appreciate it and the Botany department is getting ticked off.

852. Why are there ducks in the corridors on Deck 4, Section 6? And where did they come from?

853a. Chekov will not help your high school sibling/cousin/friend/anybody with their homework.

853b. Chekov is not allowed to help anyone's high school aged sibling/cousin/friend/anybody with their homework.

854. Stop gluing people's shoes to the ceiling. It's just weird.

855. We don't know where Nemo is!

856. When someone says "Let's get down to business", you do not add "to defeat the Huns".

857. *Do not put Tribbles in the Captain's coffee.

858. *The next person who replaces Dr. McCoy's burbon with apple juice had better be on good terms with Mr. Giotto and those in charge of the Security tapes (and have good medical insurance).

859. Stop sticking decorative magnets on the engines, they're messing with the warp fields.

860. You do not need to make "pre-flight" announcements before going into warp.

* * *

"How did my 'Kick Me' sign not make it in?" Sorren complained.

"Maybe next time, Sorren," West said. "In the mean time, we have a job to do."

The four stood up and cleared their food before heading off to their respective departments to spread the Rules.

* * *

Right, Rule #841 is from _The Great Space Hobo_, #842 is by _SetPhasers2Stun_, #845 is courtesy of _MadHighlander_, #848 came from _Cowgirl Luey_, #851 is by _Darkwood Princess_, #857 and #858 are by _Vulcanblood_. Thank you!


	43. Chapter 43

Hello everybody! How are you? Me? Getting ready for Finals Week. Which means I will not be updating any of my stories for the next few days/week-or-so. So hang tight, okay?

So here are some more Rules we would all love to break. Remember to review at the end! And a reminder: if you have Rule suggestions, send them in a Message, not a Review. Thank you!

* * *

"Fiona! You look happy," Sorren said as his friend joined the lunch table. "What's that?"

"Mail!" Billings cried happily. "I got mail from home!"

"Open it!" O'Shea said.

After several false starts, the box was finally opened, and the contents were extracted: two boxes of treats, a holo-letter, a figurine from Billings' brother's trip to Mars, a scarf, and packing material. Plenty of packing material.

"Was that a PADD?" West asked.

"It's under all the peanuts!" Billings said, starting to sift through the material. "Help me out here."

"Found it!" O'Shea triumphantly held the PADD above his head.

* * *

861. You are not allowed to try and genetically engineer combustible lemons.

862. *Stop talking about this 'Borg' thing. As far as we've been able to tell, it's just and Internet hoax.

863. You are not allowed to read that "My Immortal" thing over the ship's speakers _EVER AGAIN_.

864. You cannot go down to pre-warp planets and use the shuttlecraft's thrusters to make crop circles.

865. *You may not use the main View Screen to play Galaga.

866a. You are not allowed to play _Gangsta's Paradise _over the loudspeakers when the ship goes into warp anymore.

866b. We did that once! And it was epic!

866c. Please refer to Rule #77a.

867. *When asking for a beam-up from the planet, do not request "Calgon, take me away".

868. Just because he can come up behind you quietly and he is a minor telepath does not mean you can call Mr. Spock "The Shadow".

869. *Please stop the betting pool on how long the Redshi… Security personnel will last on an away mission. It's just cruel you guys.

870. Lt. Com. Giotto's name is not "Mario". "Luigi" is also not acceptable. He will make you pay if he finds out.

871a. The following people will NOT participate in the monthly Karioke sessions, so stop asking them:

871b. Mr. Spock.

871c. Dr. McCoy (except for certain circumstances)

871d. Mr. Scott (unless you bribe him with scotch and sandwiches)

871e. Lt. Riley (he flat out refuses)

872. The 20th century show _Star Trek _may have some similarities to the _Enterprise_ (okay, A LOT), but watching all the episodes doesn't mean you'll know what will happen tomorrow.

873. Do not say "And may the odds be _ever _in your favor" around Mr. Spock. He will go into a rant of how the odds can never always be in your favor.

874. *You are not to sing/hum/whistle "It's not easy Being Green" when you are near Mr. Spock.

875. You may not beam down onto a newly discovered planet with a flag pole so you can claim it in the name of something.

876a. Bribery via food is frowned upon.

876b. Bribery via alcohol is forbidden (especially since it has been proven to work on occasion).

877. Mr. Scott does not have a cousin who is a "Demo Man".

878a. Mr. Scott is not a Russian submarine commander.

878b. Neither is Mr. Chekov.

879. *Do not call Klingons "Reavers" no matter how similar their behavior is. We do not need to give the Klingons to hate us (as in this ship).

879b. *Okay, apparently now they like that name. Point is, don't give Klingons names that give them a reason to act even worse than they already are.

880. *No recording "Danke Schoen" in Mr. Spock's voice and sending it to Nurse Chapel. Honestly, how did you manage that?

* * *

"I'd call this a good day so far," Billings said. "I got mail, we got Rules, good all around!"

"Agreed!" the others said.

* * *

Packages are so much fun to get! Right, Rule #862 is by _Zelda12343_, #865 is from _Miss Taggart __Transcontinental_, _NorthStar51_ gave us #867, #869 is from _The Great Space Hobo_, #874 is courtesy of _DarkeRose_, #879a and b are from _Jedi Ani Unduli_, and _Firegrace _came up with #880. Thank you!


	44. Chapter 44

Exams are done! Summer vacation, whoo! Sorry, had to do that. Anyways, here are more Rules! And, I swear I'll update the Reasons on Wednesday (so can one of you remind me to do that?).

Remember to review!

* * *

"I broke it. It's broken, isn't it?"

"Kyle, would you just calm down," Billings snapped. "I think I've almost figured out the problem."

"Hey guys!" O'Shea said, walking over to the table where two of his friends were watching the third dissect a PADD. "Uh, what's going on here, Arti?"

"Kyle's PADD stopped working so Fiona's trying to fix it," West replied. "I didn't realize that a PADD had so many parts..."

"Hold on, I think I've got... ow!" Billings jumped back as the PADD suddenly sparked.

"You killed it!" Sorren moaned. "You... fixed it!"

The screen flickered on, showing one new message.

"Good timing," O'Shea said.

* * *

881a. *No, the Captain does not have one of those inflatable plastic women things hidden under a pair of old shorts in his closet.

881b. *IF he did have such a thing (and he DOES NOT), it would not be wise to go up to him with it and say "She's dead, Jim".

882. You are not allowed to paint racing stripes onto the shuttlecraft.

883a. *No, you may not wear a superhero costume on an away mission. They won't get it.

883b. You may not wear a superhero costume under your uniform on an away mission either.

884a. *Just because the shield is _bullet _proof does not make the thing _phaser _proof.

884b. *That does not give you the go ahead to MAKE it phaser proof. The thing will not and never will be an away mission tool.

885a. As cute as it is, Security personnel are no longer allowed to go through with the whole "We who are about to die salute you!" before beaming down on an away mission. You are not going to die!

885b. Says you!

886. You did not "take an arrow to the knee". Stop saying you did.

887. *Weird Al Yankovic is not allowed while on duty.

888. Please warn your neighbors before practicing your drum solo at 0300 hours.

889. You are not allowed to take space suits, go outside of the ship, and over to another ship just so you can say "I touched the butt".

890. Would you stop yelling "Moon Prism Power"? It just makes you look stupid.

891. *Please stop playing 'The Boys are Back in Town' whenever Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, and Dr. McCoy beam back up to the ship. It was funny the first two times only.

892a. *Mr. Spock will nerve pinch the next person who loops the 'Trololol' song over the _Enterprise_'s speakers

892b. *Same with 'Friday' by Rebecca Black (he will also make you read his thesis on the scientific proof that song sucks).

893. Stop shooting potatoes out of the torpedo tubes.

894. In regard to Rule #853a and #853b, Chekov is not allowed to help _any _of your siblings/cousins/friends/anybody with their homework.

895. *"The Song that Never Ends", the "Song that Gest on Everybody's Nerves", the "Jar of Dirt Song", and "They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard" are banned.

896. Just because Mr. Scott "broke the laws of physics" doesn't mean you can or should too.

897. What the heck does "D'Arvit" mean and why are people saying it?

898. You are not allowed to wear fedoras while on duty (even if they make you look cool).

899. Mr. Chekov is not "the Tsar of all ze Russians", as much as he would like to be.

900. No more jokes about automatic rice pickers around Mr. Spock.

* * *

"So what was the problem?" West asked.

"Tell me, Sorren, why was there a paper clip wedged in that thing?" Billings asked, holding up a metal paper clip.

"I have no idea..." Sorren shook his head.

* * *

Okay then, Rules #81a-8 are from _Addonex_, _The Great Space Hobo _came up with # 883a and 884a-b, #887 is from _Katgeek_, #891 is from _ViBookWorm_, #892a-b are courtesy of _Darkwood Princess_, and #895 is by _twindaughterofArtemis_. Thank you!

Let's see which comes first: 500 reviews or 1000 Rules. Ready, set, go!


	45. Chapter 45

Hey! So… I was going through the List the other day, and found out my "infallible" system of keeping track of which Rules were posted and which weren't wasn't so infallible after all. Ends up, two Rules have been used twice. My-B…

This installment is made up mostly of Rules that were not written by me personally. No idea is stupid, and except for grammatical changes they mostly stay the way I receive them. And the truth is if it weren't for you guys who submitted ideas, the Rules would have stopped a couple hundred ago!

Don't forget to review at the end and thank all the lovely people who sent in ideas (including those not in this installment), or to just say hi. Saying hi is good too!

* * *

"Kyle, say hi!" O'Shea suddenly appeared from behind his friend, shoving a mini-cam in his face.

Sorren pushed the camera away. "What the heck?"

"Yeah, Grant, what's with the camera?" Billings asked.

"It's for my sister's graduation," O'Shea explained. "It's next week, and since I can't make it home in person, I'm making her a video. Would you guys mind saying congratulations?"

"Certainly!" West exclaimed. "However, can it wait until we go over the Rules?"

* * *

901. *Stop looking for StarGates while on away missions.

902. *No more swearing in Czech.

903. *Stop leaving bits of paper in random locations, it is getting really annoying.

904. You are not allowed to die Chekov and Sulu's hair pink, and call Chekov "Kaoru".

905. *There are no such things as "Mutants". Being able to lick your own elbow does not make you a mutant.

906a. You may not paint a shuttlecraft to look like a school bus.

906b. Or The Mystery Machine.

906c. Or anything other than a shuttlecraft.

907. Do not shave anyone's head without their permission first.

908. *You do not have "cabin fever".

909a. *Just because the Captain did it, doesn't mean you can.

909b. Oh get your head out of the gutter!

910a. *Retrofitting Admiral Pike's wheelchair with impulse thrusters is not funny.

910b. Even if he (apparently) liked the modifications you made.

911. *"Ground control to Major Tom" is not an acceptable manner of operating a communication channel.

912. *No more "Everyone talk with an Accent Day", people who have strong accents (i.e Mr. Scott, Mr. Chekov, Mr. Kyle) were not amused last time.

913. *Mr. Spock is sensitive about his ears, so please stop calling him a elf.

914. *Making/forcing Mr. Spock to dress up like an elf is wrong (however the resulting photos are hilarious!).

915. No more go-kart races. Even if they look like things out of that old Mario game.

916a. *Stop beginning every protest with the phrase: "Damnit [insert name here]!" This is Dr. McCoy's personal phrase and he doesn't appreciate when people use it in every other sentence, especially in his presence.

916b. No he does not have it copyrighted, but the Rule above still applies.

917. *Do not slap Mr. Spock upside the head when he makes a cheeky remark. Even if he had it coming.

918. *When the Red Aleart sounds, do not run around waving your arms and yelling "Danger Will Robbinson! Danger! Danger!"

919. *No more toga parties during Gamma shift. Uniforms are obligatory, no matter what shift you are on.

920. *Whomever gave Chekov those purple contacts and that long scarf needs to take them away and burn those old DVDs.

* * *

"Right, what's your sister's name?" Billings asked.

"Steph," O'Shea replied, pointing the camera at his friends. "Ready, go...!"

By time O'Shea was done with his sister's video, all of the Tactical department, most of Medical, a good number from Science and Engineering, and even a few from Security had given their congratulations.

* * *

'Tis the season for graduations around where I am, and I wish all those graduating luck with what may come next!

Okay then, _Werepanther33 _came up with Rules #901-903, #905 is by _The Great Space Hobo_, _Katgeek_ wrote #908, #909a 910a and #911 are from _TehWolfyBlake_, #912-914 are courtesy of _Amyfan4ever_, #916a is from _Beloved Daughter_, #917-918 are by _Laura O'Leary_, and #919-920 are from _Vulcanblood_. Thank you!_  
_


	46. Chapter 46

Hello everyone! Wow, I seriously can't think of anything to say... other than sunburns suck. So, go read these new Rules, sorry about not updating the Reasons, I'll do that Wednesday, and remember to review! I'm waiting to see what happens first: 500 reviews or 1000 Rules.

Thanks!

* * *

Ensign Grant O'Shea looked down at his plate. "You know what I could go for right know? Strawberries. And I mean the real things, not the stuff the replicators make."

"There used to be blackberry bushes at the end of my street back home," Billings said. "We'd always go down and pick some... until the people next to them took them out..."

"We would grow tomatoes," Sorren added. "And basil. Those with mozzarella and olive oil... oh man..."

"I wouldn't mind some real melon for breakfast," West said longingly.

The four were pulled out of their fruity daydreams as their PADDs went off. It was time for their _unofficial _duties.

* * *

921a. Potato cannons are not standard issue, thus you cannot take them on away missions in place of a phaser.

921b. We don't care if there weren't any phasers left! No means no!

922. *Nobody in Security or Engineering is named 'Rory', there is no need to call them that.

923. Do not use Dr. McCoy's hypos as gavels for auctions.

924. No, Mr. Spock will not join your band.

925. *No, Mr. Spock is not Batman despite his many gadgets, scientific knowledge, and fighting skills. And for heaven's sake quit calling Captain Kirk Spock's Robin, or refer to them as the Dynamic Duo, or to both of them plus Dr. McCoy as the Dynamic Trio. Seriously, does McCoy _look_ like Batgirl (plus, he took offence the first time you called them that).

926. What is so bad about March 15th? Please, enlighten us.

927. Next time, do not ask a Klingon if he/she would like a jelly baby. The answer will always be 'No'.

928a. *Religions that you made up are banned

928b. *This means YOU, Pastafarians and Worshipers of the Log.

929. *You cannot refuse orders because "it goes against my religion" (even if said religion is made up).

930. *Gamma shift is not against your religion.

931a. *Starfleet outposts are not "wretched hives of scum and villainy".

931b. No matter what Dr. McCoy says.

932. Lt. Reynolds would like to remind you that his first name is Zeke (technically its Ezekiel, but if you call him that he gets annoyed), not 'Mal' or 'Malcolm'.

933. Do not call Mr. Chekov "Russian Wiz-Kid".

934. *Mr. Giotto is not James Bond.

935. *Stop asking Dr. McCoy if he is Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. He doesn't appreciate it and neither do those of us who have to deal with him on a regular basis, even if he is sometimes grumpy

936. You know all that stuff you see on holovision and movies? Yeah, most of that stuff doesn't work in real life, so don't try it.

937. No, we are not stopping for shawarma (not to mention no one seems to know what it is exactly).

938. Please wash your hands after finger-painting and before you go on duty.

939. *When there is any sort of danger, do not hide behind someone wearing a red shirt. They are people with lives too.

940a. "Pokémon Master" is not a job/profession/position, thus you are not a "Pokémon Master".

940b. Yes well, the Hyppian delegates didn't know you were talking about a video game!

* * *

"I don't see why he takes offence to being called a "Wiz-kid"," O'Shea said. "He is."

"He's Chekov, don't question him," Sorren answered.

"Next time we stop at a Federation planet, we are buying fruit and making fruit salad, agreed?" Billings stated.

"Agreed," the other three replied.

* * *

So... what's your favorite fruit? I like pears.

Rule #922 is from _MadHighlander_, #925 is by _Heroicagirl_, _twindaughterofAretmis_ came up with #928a-929, _TehWolfyBlake _thought up #930-931a, #934 is from a story by _Bookdragon01_, #935 is by _Beloved Daughter_, and #939 is from _Zelda12343_. Thank you!


	47. Chapter 47

Good morning! Or afternoon, or evening, or night... take your pick.

Okay, I love all you guys who are submitting Rules and ideas and what-not, but I am going to ask that you stop submitting ideas that have to do with _Doctor Who__. _Anything else is fine, but right now I have a bit too many. Sorry.

Anyways, please enjoy these new Rules. Remember to review, reviews make me happy! If you don't have an account, you can give an anonymous review!

* * *

After a week of orbiting Signa V, the _Enterprise_ was racing through space at warp 3 towards her next mission. It would take them two days to reach Star Base 33, enough time for the crew to settle back into their regular routine.

In Rec. Room 4, Lt. Arti West was admiring her friend Ensign Fiona Billings' new earrings: small silver studs that looped around in an intricate pattern that resembled a fancy knot and blue crystals in the gaps.

"Girls and their jewlery," Ensign O'Shea whispered.

Lt. Sorren nodded and took a spoonful of soup. The girls were interrupted as their PADDs indicated incoming messages.

"Something we all can talk about!" O'Shea said.

"Shut up, Grant," Billings signed.

* * *

941. Do not call Romulans "Cossacks".

942. The Guardian of Forever is not a Stargate (we think you might have insulted it when you called it that).

943. Stop asking Security personnel if you can have their stuff if they don't come back from an away mission.

944a. *Sulu is not a ninja.

944b. However, he has admitted that some of his ancestors were Samurai, which sort of makes him one, but not really. Needless to say, Mr. Sulu is not a ninja or a Samurai.

945a. The following planets do not exist, and it is highly unlikely that there will ever be a planet named such:

945b. *Midnight

945c. Persephone

945d. Gallifrey

945e. Skaro

945f. Tatooine

945g. Naboo

945h. Megas-tu

945i. But we went to that last one!

945j. Those events are still being debated as to whether or not they actually happened or was just some form of influence from the energy-mater vortex thingy.

946. *The song "Like a Surgeon" should never be hummed/whistled/sung to/about/around Dr. McCoy. In his words, "I'll show _you_ Like a Surgeon".

947. It is understandable that you may not know what a piece of equipment is called, however if you do know what it is called, please use its proper name. Mr. Scott has kindly pointed out that there are a lot of "thingy-ma-bobbers" in Engineering, and calling them such does not help.

948. Do not get in between Captain Kirk and chocolate cake.

949a. *A junior officer's quarters is not a suitable place for your 'pet tentacle monster'.

949b. Please remove your 'pet tentacle monster' from Ensign Roger's and Harris's quarters.

950. *You may not use Cadets or Ops officers as Chinese New Year decorations.

951. *You are not permitted to take non-sentinent life-forms aboard and claim them as pets.

952. *Do not put mistletoe above the Captain's door. The girls on this ship don't need any more encouragement.

953a. *Superhero costumes are banished to their secret compartments in storage until otherwise notified. There was an "incident" last Halloween and we still can't figure out which 'Flash' was responsible…

953b. *All identical superhero costumes are to be registered with Security, especially the 'Flash' ones.

954. *Mr. Spock is not Legolas. He will not help you take the Hobbits to Isengard.

955a. *Scotty will not make you a hover board.

955b. *Or an ion drive

956. *When a superior is asking a question, the answer is not "MUSHROOOOOOOM!"

957. Do not call Chekov and Sulu the "Dynamic Duo" while they are present. They will fight over who is Batman.

958. Do not call Security because you think there are monsters/aliens under your bed or in your closet.

959. Chewing gum is no longer permitted in Engineering.

960. *Captain Kirk may be in charge but he is not a king and Mr. Spock, although he may seem mystical, is not a sorcerer, so stop calling them Arthur and Merlin.

* * *

"So, shall we spread the word?" West asked.

"I call doing this deck!" O'Shea cried.

* * *

Right, #944a is by _twindaughterofArtemis_, #945b was suggested by _Distressed Clover_, #946 is from _BlackDeath6_, _TehWolfyBlake_ came up with #949a, 950-951, #952 was submitted by _Laura O'Leary,_ #953a-b are courtesy of _SetPhasers2Stun_, #954 is by _Darkwood Princess_, _Vulcanblood_ thought up 955a-956, and _Livin4Jesus_ came up with #960. Thank you!


	48. Chapter 48

Hello everyone! Happy (early) 4th of July to my readers in the U.S.A. Are there any other holidays anywhere else around this time?

On a side note, tourists are kind of annoying. Especially when there are large events going on in your town and they all go to it.

We are one update away from 1000 and currently 17 reviews away from 500. The race is on! If you haven't reviewed before, please do so, I read them all and respond! And if you have any ideas, feel free to message them to me!

Thank you!

* * *

"Yo Billings! You got visitors!"

Ensign Fiona Billings looked up to find her three friends walking towards her. "What are you guys doing down here?"

"You were late for lunch," O'Shea explained. "So we brought lunch to you!" He pulled out a sandwich, apple, and what the replicators insisted was pretzels and dip.

"He brought you lunch, we just tagged along," West said.

"And we brought Rules!" Sorren added.

Billings smiled. "Well, as long as you don't get any crumbs in the equipment, I guess it's all right..." She looked up into the Jefferies tube she had dropped out of. "Hey Lt. Coutts, may I take a lunch break?"

"Your lunch is already here, isn't it?" Coutts replied. "Take fifteen, Billings, I'll finish up here."

"Thanks!" Billings said.

* * *

961. Please uninstall the old wooden sailing ship steering wheel from the navigation console.

962. *No giving Security personnel about to beam down the three fingered salute.

963. *No playing the funeral dirge and/or setting up funerals for the Security personnel before they actually die… especially not in front of them as the beam down.

964. Do not rock the boat (how you managed that has yet to be figured out).

965. Do not try any of Mr. Scott's green drink. You will regret it when you wake up hours later and with a lampshade on your head.

966. *Stop stuffing tribbles in the microwaves!

967. Do not call Chekov a "Cossack". He will punch you in the face if you do (we are not kidding about this).

968. *Stop asking Mr. Spock where he learned to dance and whether he will teach you. He will take that opportunity to nerve pinch you.

969. *Do not use the phrase "wibley-wobley-timey-whimey" around Mr. Spock when the ship hits a temporal anomaly.

970. *That four beat pattern known as the "Master's Drumbeat" stops now. It's creeping people out.

971. There are no such things as Daleks.

972a. *Please, giving Mr. Spock coffee is not advisable.

972b. *Same with Mr. Chekov. He gets nightmares from that stuff.

973. Helm and Navigation personnel are not allowed to show up for their shifts wearing a white jumpsuit and a white helmet. Not only is 'white' not a departmental color, we have been told it does _not_ make it seem like you're driving the ship faster.

974. *There is no such place as Equestria.

975a. *You are not authorized to order Lt. Sulu to "set a course to White Castle".

975b. Or Burger King.

975c. Or McDonald's.

975d. Or Taco Bell.

975e. Or Galactix Eatery.

975f. Or Subway.

975g. Or any fast food joint.

976a. *"Naked Time" is not an acceptable response to the question "What time is it?"

976b. *Nor is "Party O'Clock" or "Hammertime" or "Adventure Time".

977. *None of your duties are "best performed in the nude".

978. *When messaging each other, sending holo-letter, even in conversation please stop referring to Starfleet Command and the Federation of Planets as the "Alliance". You know they hate being compared to totalitarian regimes (even fictional ones).

979a.*"But it was inwented in Russia!" is not a valid excuse for playing the theremin in your quarters at 0300 hours (you know who you are!).

979b. *Mr. Chekov has already complained to Security and he claims that next time, he's going to Mr. Spock.

980a. *Just because it's Summer on Earth's Northern Hemisphere doesn't mean you can wear shorts on duty.

980b. Same for when it's Summer in the Southern Hemisphere.

* * *

"You know, I think this ship spends way too much time in the 20th-early21st centuries," Sorren said.

The other three flipped through the Rules for a few moments before coming to the same conclusion.

* * *

Okay, Rules #962-963 are from _trueromantic33_, #966 is by _Darkwood Princess_, #968 is courtesy of _SetPhasers2Stun_, _Bookdragon01_ suggested #969, #970 is from _twindaughterofArtemis_, #972a-972b are by _Vulcanblood_, _Katgeek _came up with #974, _TehWolfyBlake _thought up #975a 976a-976b and 977, #978 is by _Jedi Ani Unduli_, #979a-b are from _Miss Taggart Transcontinental_, and #980a-b are from _remi-it's-a-girl's-name_. If you have suggested Rules in the past and since changed your pen-name, please tell me so I can keep track. Thank you!


	49. Chapter 49

_Vive la Bastille_!

Now that that's out of the way, on to the main event. This is the big one, folks (epic music please)! I always feel like Mike Rowe when I say this (those of you who have seen Dirty Jobs should know what I'm talking about), but without you my Readers, this monstrosity of a List would have ended ages ago. Honestly, I was planning to stop around 500, but man do plans change! Thank you **SO** much to all of you who have reviewed, favorited, followed, and submitted ideas, it means the world to me, really! You guys beat me: 500 reviews came before 1000 Rules (No. 500 was bina W).

Am I making this sound like this is the last update? Sorry, cause guess what: there are more!

So without further ado, here are some more Rules we would all love to break (and admittedly, probably would if any of us ever found ourselves on the _Enterprise_ do to some freak Time/Space anomaly). Please remember to review, even if you don't have an account!

* * *

Rec. Room 4 was devoid of conversation. It had been for the last five minutes. For ten minutes before that, all conversation had taken place in hushed tones, trying to avoid detection of the sharp Vulcan ears that had come into the room. Evidently something had driven Mr. Spock out of his quarters, forcing him to pick up his lyre and find another corner to play it in.

Then Lt. Uhura came in, and the impromptu concert started.

"It's times like this when you remember he has a human side," Ensign O'Shea said as the song ended and the applause began.

"Yep," Sorren answered.

Spock acknowledged the applause with a curt nod, and began to tune his instrument for the next song. Uhura took a break and returned to her lunch.

Several PADDs went off across the room. Most noticeably four of them at the same table.

"Do we dare check with _him _in the room?" Billings asked.

"The others are," West said, and opened the message.

* * *

981. *Thylacines are not permitted on the Bridge. Neither are Lorises.

982. Yes, we have the capability to travel back in time. No, we will not travel back in time to resolve your dispute about a historical event.

983. *The phrase "I'm Sparticus" is not to be quoted or paraphrased in any form.

984. Mr. Spock does not need a sun lamp…?

985a. *You are not allowed to run around the halls singing "I'll Make a Man Out of You".

985b. *Or "Hakuna Matata".

985c. Or any old Disney song.

986a. *Stop calling Spock and Kirk "Sherlock Holmes" and "Watson", respectively. Despite all the similarities, Kirk doesn't like the implication that he's not as famous and important as Spock (even if, at least, the famous part is true).

986b. Same with calling Spock and McCoy "Sherlock Holmes" and "Watson". We covered this already with Dr. McCoy, but implying that Spock is Holmes just makes it worse.

987. We are permitted to hold Ship-Wide Olympics as long as the games do not interfere with the normal operations of the ship, do not damage any equipment, does not increase the amount of patents in Sickbay, or anything else along those lines.

988. Stop referring to Security/Engineering personnel as "the British". Yes, they wear red uniforms. Yes, it kind of makes sense with Security, but Mr. Scott is fed up with people calling him British. He's Scottish, there's a difference, we've covered it.

989. *Stop, just _stop _comparing Captain Kirk to Captain Malcolm Reynolds. Just because the guy is a captain, has a loyal crew/group of eight friends (seven if you don' count the girl), and his name (Mal) is drawing trouble to him, does _not _mean you get to draw similarities between the two of them. Plus, it's ticking Kirk off.

990. We would like to remind you that Mr. Spock's heart is located in a different location than that of a human's. Thus, in the unlikely event that something happens to him, do not freak out that you can't feel it beating and proclaim that he is dead or a vampire or something.

991a. *The ship-wide broadcast system is not a forum for expressing your views.

991b. *Nor is it a medium to broadcast incriminating footage of any officer, manipulated or not.

992. *Broadcasting the entire discography of Lady Gaga over the ship-wide system is not to be used as a morale-building exercise.

993. *Never play that old Earth song "I'm Sexy and I Know It" on the ship's speakers. It drives people insane.

994. *Never _ever_ put food coloring in Chekov's vodka, give it to Scotty and then tell it's scotch. He will know.

995. *The higher in the color spectrum, the stronger the intoxicant (i.e. smelling one of Scotty's purple liquors can, and probably will, make you drunk).

996. Ultimate Frisbee maybe played in the cargo holds and hangar decks only, not the hallways.

997. You cannot yell "Thunderbirds are go!" when shuttlecrafts are launched.

998. *You cannot use Tribbles as currency.

999. Do not threaten Klingons with a foam sword.

1000. You do not have "minions" nor can you have "minions" or refer to Ensigns and lower officers as your "minions".

* * *

"How is it we have more Unofficial Rules than Official Rules?" Billings wondered aloud.

"Because we're on the _Enterprise_," O'Shea replied. "And we're special that way."

"Quite, they're starting again!" West hissed.

The room once again grew quite as Uhura opened her mouth. Delivery of the new Rules could wait until the next song, especially when this one was a classic that everyone knew the words to.

* * *

Okay then, #981 is from _Vulcanblood_, #983 is by _twindaughterofArtemis_, #985a-b are by _Distressed Clover_, _Hermione-of-Vulcan _came up with #986a, #989 is courtesy of _Jedi Ani Unduli_, #991a-992 and #998 are from _TehWolfyBlake_, #993 is by _I heart Star Trek_, and X-Men loving _remi-it's-a-girl's-name_ gave us #994-995. Thank you!


	50. Chapter 50

Was I supposed to update this last week? Crap, I forgot. Sorry about that! But anyways, here are some more Rules. See, I told you they weren't done!

Remember to review! And feel free to send me suggestions if you think of any!

* * *

The table at the back of Rec. Room 4 was surprisingly quiet. Normally it was filled with lively conversation between the four inhabitants, but today not so much.

"I hate it when nothing happens on this ship," O'Shea muttered.

"Yeah, same here," Billings replied.

Sorren and West mumbled their replies. Seconds later, four PADDs went off, and one buzzed across the table only to be caught by its owner before crashing to the floor.

"Finally! Something good!" West sighed.

* * *

1001. We are no longer to hold bazaars and/or open markets in the hangar bay and/or cargo bays. Or invite planetary bazaars and/or open markets to use the hangar bay and or cargo bays. Even if we promise to clean up afterwards.

1002. All weapons except phasers are banned from the Bridge.

1003a. *Do not beam innocent red-shirted ensigns onto a planet to conduct an experiment. Starfleet's beginning to wonder how this ship goes through so many Security officers.

1003b. Same with blue-shirts.

1003c. And gold-shirts.

1003d. Look, no beaming down any ensigns for any experiments!

1004. No more playing old TV themes over the speaker system and on the main view screen. We can't get some of them out of our head.

1005. *When asked for tactical advice on away missions, please note "taking off and nuking the site from orbit" is not an acceptable response.

1006. *This ship does not "make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs".

1007. *Stop playing cricket in the hallways.

1008a. What did we tell you about flash mobs?

1008b. That we couldn't do them when dignitaries are on board, otherwise they're okay.

1008c. Exac… what?

1008d. Go look it up, Rule #489.

1008e. Don't you love loopholes?

1008f. Shut up.

1008g. Please refer to Rule #77a.

1008h. Shut up! No flash mobs! At anytime!

1008i. Killjoy.

1008j. SHUT UP!

1009. Stop decorating the botany labs with garden nomes, plastic famingos, and various other lawn decorations.

1010. You are not allowed to play audio books over the ship's speakers on long trips.

1011. You are no longer allowed to end a communications transmission with "And on that bombshell…".

1012. Next time Mr. Sulu is a bit, well, tipsy, do not give him a New York Yankees cap and tell him that Dr. McCoy's name is actually "Dr. Jones".

1013. *No, Chekov, Vodka does not cure "ewerything and anything".

1014a. Vodka is not the miracle cure-all, despite claims made by Mr. Chekov.

1014b. Same goes for scotch.

1014c. And bourbon.

1015. *White chocolate contains cocoa butter, don't give it to Spock either.

1016. *Never wash red uniforms with blue ones, they all turn purple.

1017. Lt. Charlie Tanner would like for everyone to stop apologizing to him for no apparent reason.

1018. We're sorry you had to leave your dog back on Earth, but Mr. Scott will not build you a robot dog to replace him/her while you're on board.

1019. Would you please stop trying to see if it is possible to send Bafrin coconuts through the mail? They're about ready to declare us "environmental terrorists" because you keep sending them out and they are a known evasive species on several planets including Earth.

1020. Do not end communications with "So call me maybe?".

* * *

"Normally, I hate Mondays, but sometimes they're not that bad," Sorren said as he finished reading.

"Agreed," the others said.

* * *

Fun Fact: it is possible to send a coconut through the mail. At least in the US. They did it on Mythbusters.

So, #1003a is from _I heart Star Trek_, _TehWolfyBlake_ came up with #1005-1007, and inspired #1013, #1008a-j were inspired by _Eymris Grayson_, and 1008h specifically, and _remi-it's-a-girl's-name _thought up 1015-1016. That is the fewest number of people who sent in Rules to be used in a long time...


	51. Chapter 51

Seeing as the only time I could have updated this yesterday would have been today for much of the world, I'm updating today. Silly time zones and stuff :)

Hey, I hit 50 chapters! Wow...

This will be my last update before going back to school. So sad my summer is over, but that means that for some of you, summer isn't too far away. Have fun!

So remember to review, or say hi, or suggest Rules, or chat, or whatever. Thank you!

* * *

"Did I mention how much I freakin' love shore leave?"

"Only 124 times, Grant."

"125 if you count that last one."

"True."

In place of having lunch in Rec. Room 4, Lt.'s Sorren and West and Ensigns Billings and O'Shea were eating on the patio of a restaurant on Iiukul. They were half way through a very short shore leave while the _Enterprise_ picked up supplies for a colony four systems over, but it was enough for the crew to get out and stretch their legs on solid, natural ground.

Suddenly, Sorren jumped, almost falling over in his chair.

"What was that about?" Billings asked.

"I didn't know I got signal down here," Sorren replied as he pulled out his PADD.

* * *

1021. A highland cow is a highland cow, not just a cow. Do not say they are just cows, Mr. Scott will give you a half an hour long argument as to why they are not just cows.

1022a. *Stop singing "He Tried to Kill me with a Forklift", it's not funny anymore.

1022b. *"This is the song, of the people writing, the Unofficial List of the Rules! They tried to kill us with a forklift… Olé!"

1022c. Knock it off you guys…

1023a. *"It was my mirror universe counterpart" is not an acceptable excuse.

1023b. *Neither is "Spock from an alternative reality told me to".

1024. *You may not program the external inertial dampener to remain permanently engaged.

1025. *Not everything is caused by alternate realities.

1026. *You serve on the _USS Enterprise_, no "James Kirk's Party Boat".

1027. You are not permitted to play "I'm On a Boat". You are on a starship.

1028. *Making fake tribbles out of lint and voice boxes is a very bad idea (especially if you give them to Klingons, Spock, or Captain Kirk).

1029a. No, you may not bring Sherlock Holmes back to life. Besides, he's a fictional character.

1029b. That's what you think.

1030. *Neither Dr. McCoy nor Mr. Spock are Professors, so you may not call them Professor.

1031. Lt. Kyle Moriarty would really appreciate it if you would stop calling him "Professor".

1032. Please stop poking fun at Lt. Dan Fickle's name, he is about ready to seriously hurt something.

1033. *There will be no more references made to that old Earth comic strip "Peanuts" when talking to Lt. Charles Brown.

1034. Look, you can keep that ambulance that Engineering made you as a good-will gift, but someone needs to learn how to properly drive the thing without crashing into bulkheads, doors, and other crew members.

1035. Mr. Giotto is not "M.".

1036. "Who can annoy Dr. McCoy the most" is not to be an Olympic sport next time around.

1037. Yes Sulu, fencing counts as hand-to-hand combat.

1038. Nobody in Security is called "Danno", thus stop telling them to "book 'im".

1039. You may not rename equipment so that it ends with "-inator".

1040. You may not use the transporter for cannonball contests.

* * *

"Do you always bring this thing with you?" West asked.

"Well, it helps with ordering food that agrees with human metabolisms," Sorren replied. "And it was about that time."

* * *

Right then, Rules #1022a-b are from _Jason Kardom_ (though I slightly modified 1022b), _TehWolfyBlake_ - who seems to be coming up with ideas faster than I am - came up with #1023a-1026, #1030 is by _Werepanther33_, and _Remi-it's-a-girl's-name_ thought up #1028 and #1033. Thank you!


	52. Chapter 52

Keeping it short today. Almost forgot to remind you to review after reading! Send in any suggestions or ideas you have (preferably in a Private Message, but reviews work too).

Thanks!

* * *

The four occupents of the table in the far right corner of Rec. Room 4 stared at the contents of Ensign O'Shea's plate.

"Grant," Lt. West said. "What, in Heaven's name, is _that_?"

O'Shea poked the brown-grey blob on his plate with his fork. "It's supposed to be a BLT with soup, but I think the replicator forgot to separate it all."

"Since you're part of Engineering, Fiona," Sorren said, turning to his friend. "Can we bring this to your attention?"

Billings groaned. "I hate ion storms, they mess with every _single _system for days afterwards!"

Pushing his plate to the side, O'Shea pulled out his PADD. "Well, it didn't mess with this system."

* * *

1041. The fact that we are in _space_ defeats the point of playing the guitar outside the window of your crush.

1042a. *Yes, there are crewmembers named Raphael, Michelangelo, Leonardo, and Donatello. No, they are not teenage ninjas nor are they turtles.

1042b. *None of us really know that for sure. How do you know they're not ninja turtles?

1042c. *They don't have shells, for one, also they are not teenagers.

1042d. *So, they _could_ be mutated turtles that don't need shells to survive. And that ignores the ninja part.

1042e. *They are not, I repeat NOT, turtles. I never said they are not ninjas. I said they are not TEENAGE ninjas, there is a difference.

1043. *Do not juggle screwdrivers. Dr. McCoy does not appreciate his Sickbay so full of people with screwdrivers sticking out of arms and hands.

1044. *Primary-colored body paint is not regulation uniform.

1045. *The CMO's name is Dr. McCoy, not Dr. Zoidburg. He doesn't even know what Zoidburg is.

1046. *Nerve gas is not a toy.

1047a. *Stop saying "He's/She's dead" when a Senior Officer asks where a crewmember is.

1047b. *Especially if said crewmember is alive (which is very likely).

1048. You are not to refer to/call the President of the Federation or any interstellar organization/planet/country "my Lord President".

1049. Yes, it is cheating if you take orders for your little sister/cousin/neighbor/whoever Girl Scout cookies. However, we don't care, so keep them coming.

1050. *No more eating contests.

1051a. *Stop calling Starfleet the "Flotilla". There is a difference.

1051b. Same with the "Armada".

1052. *Tolkien Movie Marathons must get special approval.

1053a. *Stop giving Mr. Spock seashells. It's beginning to worry him.

1053b. Same goes for Dr. McCoy.

1054a. You may not use Scotty's bagpipes for a makeshift air pump (mostly because it makes them sound worse than normal).

1054b. HEY!

1055. No live turkeys in the Kitchens. It seriously freaks the chefs out.

1056. *You are not allowed to tell Chekov that a giant earthquake/meteor/any natural disaster has—for all intents and purposes—destroyed Russia.

1057a. *You cannot ask the replicator for a "less accident prone starship".

1057b. *And while we're on the subject, you can't ask the replicator for a pony.

1057c. *Or any of Batman's gadgets.

1057d. *Or a way to get out of your medical examination.

1057e. *Quit asking the replicators for stuff that isn't food.

1058. Stop sending the Admirals cupcakes.

1059. *Do not use the Ship's computer to go on Webkinz.

1060. No, we are not going to Scarborough fair (parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme).

* * *

"Grant, you did not just eat that!"

O'Shea stopped chewing and looked like he had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He swallowed before replying, "What, it's actually quite good."

"Dude, that is disgusting!"

"I just lost my appetite."

"I'm going to go and try and fix that replicator."

O'Shea watched as his friends got up and left him and his plate of brown-grey stuff. He shrugged, and took another bite. Their loss.

* * *

Right, Rules #1042a-e are from _BlackDeath6, _#1043-1047b are by _TehWolfyBlake_, _Eymris Grayson _suggested #1050, #1051-1053a are courtesy of _Werepanther33_, #1052-1053e are from _Remi-it's-a-girl's-name_, and #1059 is from _Dance Banana_. Thank you!


	53. Chapter 53

Hey, sorry this is late! I never got around to putting this up yesterday. It is raining outside my window. I think. It's that weird heavy mist-type rain. I don't like unpredictable weather. Lucky I have my super awesome umbrella!

Remember to review after reading! Please and thank you!

* * *

Lt. Kyle Sorren looked up at the sky. Somewhere up there, his friends were eating lunch, while he was taking samples and readings of the life on Hestia III. He sighed and looked down at his tricorder, ignoring his stomach.

"Yo Sorren, take a brake!"

Lt. Clark waved him over to a group of crewmembers happily munching on sandwiches. "Don't worry, we got permission!" Clark reassured.

As if to encourage him, Sorren's stomach growled, and his PADD buzzed. Shrugging, he pulled the PADD out and headed over to grab a sandwich.

* * *

1061a. *"Spinjitsu" is not an approved combat technique.

1061b. *Also, it is not recommended.

1061c. *Also, do not mention "spinjitsu" to Sulu. It's better if he didn't know.

1062. *No more vodka Ramen noodles.

1063. The Neutral Zone boundary is not the same as the boundary line in capture the flag. If you go over it, the Romulans _will _fire at us. Even if half of the ship is still in Federation space (which is cheating, by the way).

1064. You are not allowed to use the engine room water tanks for your personal laundry.

1065. Those directional signs in the Jeffries tubes are there for a reason, do not remove them and/or switch them around.

1066a. *Captain Kirk has made it quite clear that the next person to say that the new officer on board is his ex-girlfriend will spend the night in the brig.

1066b. *Unless it really is one of his exes, in which case he would like a week's notice so he will have time to "contract" some disease so he won't have to meet with her right away.

1067. *The ship's Computer is not Jarvis.

1068. *Stop calling Scotty "Ken".

1069. *Stop calling the ship's computer "EDI".

1070. Look, stop calling the ship's Computer by various nicknames. It responds to "Computer" and only "Computer", nothing else!

1071. *Mr. Giotto is not "Major Monogram".

1072. Telling lower crewmember's their position has changed to "Turbo-lift Bellhop" is not okay.

1073. "East o' the Sun and West o' the moon" is not a navigational direction. Stop it.

1074. *Do not call Dr. McCoy "Mr. High Priestess". He and Natira are divorced. Or separated. Or one or the other. Or both. Or something.

1075. *No more marshmallow gun fights!

1076. * How many times have we told you Urban Dictionary is not a reliable website?

1077. *No selling miracle cures, especially if they don't even work.

1078a. You may not breed Altarian hermit crabs for racing. They know it was us; some of them still have numbers on them apparently.

1078b. Well it _would _be all right except for the fact that they're an endangered species (which, admittedly, no one knew at the time).

1079. You may not point to the nearest Ensign/lower ranked officer and declare "He/She did it!" when you mess up.

1080. Given the incentive, the Engineers can do pretty much anything. Do not give them the incentive (unless you have permission).

* * *

"So this is what you and your friends are always laughing at during lunch!" Ensign Medici giggled.

"Yep," Sorren replied. "And I have a feeling they're doing just that right about now..."

* * *

Right, Rules #1061a-1062 are from _Vulcanblood_, #1066a-b are from _Remi-it's-a-girl's-name_, _timothy took _came up with #1067, #1068-1069 are by _Werepanther33_, #1071 is courtesy of _Bookdragon01_, _antra_ thought up #1074, #1075 was suggested by _kittythekatty_, and _TehWolfyBlake_ thought up #1076 and 1077. Thank you!


	54. Chapter 54

Hello again! How are you all? I should be working on a paper, but seeing as I was late updating last time, I was determined to update on a Monday this time.

So remember to review and all that jazz. Thank you!

* * *

-Sorren: Lunch anyone?

-West: they're using the Rec. Room for the reception, remember?

-O'Shea: have I mentioned how much I hate it when the do that?

-West: yes, Grant, you have. Nobody is going to buy your excuse that your Star-book account was hacked and it wasn't you who made that your status.

-O'Shea: …It was worth a shot…

-Billings: You don't like a lot of things, do you Grant?

-O'Shea: only the things that annoy me.

-Sorren: Do Rules annoy you?

-O'Shea: yes. Just not these ones that just got sent to me :)

* * *

1081. Sending Klingons flowers is a bad idea.

1082. *If an away mission to an inhabited planet turns hostile, do not pull a Security officer in front of you and shout, "I have a shield! A red one!"

1083. *Claiming you are a Salarian (whatever that is) and sleeping only one hour a night will land you in Sickbay.

1084. *Claiming you are "dextro-amino" and thus allergic to all kinds of food available in the galaxy will land you in Sickbay.

1085. *So called "rap, reggae, and hip-hop" music from the early 21st century is to be played only in your own quarters.

1086. *Lt. Nelson is not related to Mike Nelson, no matter how good at riffing movies he is.

1087. *Lt. Cmdr. Robinson is not related to Joel Robinson, even though he has a gumball machine that talks in his room.

1088. Rewiring the intercom system so that someone's shower singing is broadcasted across the ship is not allowed.

1089. *Never greet your commanding officer with the phrase, "Good morning. I see the assassins have failed".

1090. *Please do not attempt a "Leap of Faith". You are not an Assassin, and there are no conveniently placed hay stacks to break you fall. By the way, how does that work again?

1091. *Do not run into a Rec. Room yelling "Troll! Troll in the dungeon! …Just thought you ought to know." And then falling flat on your face and/or passing out.

1092. *Do not hide in people's closets and yell "Welcome to Narnia" when they open the door.

1093. *You are not to take inspiration from the _Hunger Games_ to settle Department wars/disputes.

1094a. *Do NOT have the Security personnel reenact the 74th (or any) Hunger Games for your own amusement. Contrary to belief, Security personnel actually do have more important things to do other than practice for their (so-called) "inevitable deaths".

1094b. *But they end up dying all the time anyways. Besides, doesn't that make their inevitable deaths easier to die?

1094c. *Hey, we the Security personnel take offence to that!

1094d. *SHUT UP EVERYONE! No reenactments of the Hunger Games – PERIOD!

1095. You may not throw fake tribbles down Jefferies tubes at passing crewmembers. Especially the Captain, he will climb up there and chase you out personally.

1096a. *Edosians are not allowed to run alone in three-legged races.

1096b. Lt. Arex, this means you. It would be unfair and it is cheating.

1097. Please tell the Kitchen staff that you are having a cooking competition before having said competition.

1098. *(TehWolfyBlake) Do not replicate tomacco and pass it off as tomatos.

1099a. *(TehWolfyBlake) PADDs are hard, solid objects, and should not be thrown at people.

1099b. *Same with Tricorders.

1099c. *And also with hypo-sprays. Dr. McCoy would like to note that the people who "borrowed" those hypos are going to have their physicals tomorrow. You know who you are, and he does as well.

1100. Getting out and pushing is not a viable option for when the ship loses engine power.

* * *

-West: well, Dr. McCoy is back, looks like the reception is over.

-O'Shea: seriously? i just finished eating!

-Billings: good, get back to work, slacker.

-O'Shea: hey!

* * *

Right then, #1082 is by_ CHESMJR14_, #1083-1084 are by _Werepanther33_, _Katari Michelos _came up with #1085, _Jason Kardom _did #1086-1087, #1089-1090 are from _Ryder Bellamiren_, #1091-1093 are courtesy of _Dragons Rme_, _Jedi Ani Unduli_ added #1094a-d (kind of weird when more than one person comes up with the same-ish Rules), #1096a is from _antra_, and _TehWolfyBlake _thought up #1098-1099c. Thank you!


	55. Chapter 55

Making this quick, I have two tests to study for tomorrow! Please enjoy, and above all remember to review even if you don't have an account! Even if it's to just say something random that has nothing to do with these Rules!

Thank you!

* * *

Kyle Sorren shifted in his seat nervously. "I don't know if I can do this, you guys."

"For goodness sakes, Kyle, you'll do fine!" Fiona Billings replied.

"Yeah," Grant O'Shea added. "I mean, it's not like you haven't asked anyone before… right?"

Sorren glared at him and opened his mouth to reply. Instead of a sharp comeback, squeak came out and Sorren grabbed his PADD in a pathetic attempt to hide behind it.

"Hey guys," Arti West said as she put her tray down. "Uh… Sorren?"

"I'm reading the Rules," Sorren said quickly.

"But they haven't come…" O'Shea paused as his own PADD chirped. "Well speak of the devil!"

* * *

1101. Dr. McCoy is from Georgia, he does peaches, not oranges, oranges are from Florida.

1102. *Beaming up animals from planets we visit to make a petting zoo in the shuttle bay could pose a threat if said animals got loose, and is against several Starfleet regulations and Federation laws.

1103. *Do not call Mr. Spock "Green Goblin". The only once who are allowed to say that are Spiderman and Dr. McCoy.

1104. *No, Spiderman is not assigned here on the _Enterprise_. Lt. Peter "Spiderman" Parker is on the _Constitution_.

1105. *Engineering will not build you a working Iron Man suit.

1106. *Dr. McCoy is not 'Gimli'.

1107. *Nor is Captain Kirk Aragorn, but he doesn't mind if you call him that.

1108. *Enough with the Gangnam Style already! People are tired of finding you "dancing" in the turbo-lifts like that.

1109. No using the Officer's Lounge for crew parties.

1110. You are not allowed to dress up in a black suit and featureless white mask and roam the hallways at night. It is seriously creeping people out.

1111. *Stop selling Starfleet property.

1112. *You do not have diplomatic immunity. And if you do, why are you working on a starship?

1113. *Stop trying to charge admission to the restrooms.

1114. *Stop claiming that Mr. Spock played a role in the Genophase.

1115a. *Stop calling the _Enterprise_ '_Normandy_'.

1115b. *Or '_Pillar of Autumn_'.

1115c. *Or '_In Amber Clad_'.

1115d. *Or '_Prometheus_'.

1115f. *Or '_Danab Urnud_'.

1116. *No tying Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock together while dressed as Klingons. They will hunt you down.

1117. *Cotton candy is hereby banned from Sickbay, the Bridge, all Science labs, and Engineering areas.

1118. *We don't care if it's "trained" or not. Those so-called Dragons are dangerous and prohibited.

1119. *No tapdancing on the metal floor in Engineering.

1120a. You are not to give either Harry Mudd or Cyrano Jones the other's contact information.

1120b. Starfleet and Federation Intelligence requests that you tell them this information instead.

* * *

When Sorren put his PADD down, he found that two of his friends had left him. "Thanks for the support you guys…" he muttered.

"What was that?" West asked.

"Oh, erm…" Sorren rubbed the back of his head. "Listen, Arti, I was wondering… since shore leave is coming up and all…"

* * *

Right, #1102 is by _Remi-it's-a-girl's-name_, #1103-1104 are from _antra_, _twindaughterofArtemis_ came up with #1105, _Bookdragon01_ thought up 1106-1108, #1111-1113 belong to _TehWolfyBlake_, _Werepanther33_ did 1114-1115f, the Guest known as _threoy_ suggested #1116, _Vulcanblood_ come up with #1117-1118, and #1119 is courtesy of _Dragonsrme_. Thank you!


	56. Chapter 56

Welcome to New England, where we get really bad weather around Halloween. So, I need to update this before I lose power. If I don't respond to your reviews tomorrow, you now know why.

Please read and review! Reviews are fun! They're like candy for writers! And who doesn't like candy?

Thank you!

* * *

It was a quiet lunch hour in Rec. Room four. At the table in the back corner, Lt. Sorren and West chatted, Ensign O'Shea stared down his food, and Ensign Billings read a letter from her brother studying on Mars.

"I'm looking forward to the haunted house this year," West was saying. "It took weeks of pestering for Christine to get Dr. McCoy to say okay."

"Are you going to be in it?" Sorren asked.

"Are you kidding? Of course!" West replied. "I get to be one of the patents being "operated" on!"

"This I want to see," Sorren said. "Your department is the only one to do stuff like that."

"That's because too much fake spider webbing got stuck in the machinery a few years ago," Billings said. "We were still taking it out two months later!"

They all looked down at the beeping PADD on the table.

"But we haven't _done _anything yet!" O'Shea muttered.

* * *

1121. *Saying "someone else might have gotten it wrong" when you are given a special task is not okay.

1122. *Saying "Hold the line!" in a "sped-up" voice while under enemy fire is not okay.

1123. *Hand sanitizer is not to be squirted in someone's eyes if you are bored during your shift.

1124. *No, you may not call anyone a "butt-trumpet".

1125. *Mr. Spock is not Severus Snape, even if neither show very much emotion.

1126a. *Scotty cannot make you a working wand.

1126b. *Or a replica of the Sorting Hat that actually works.

1126c. *Or the Scarf of Sexual Preference.

1127. *Do not run into a Rec. Room yelling "Troll! Troll in the dungeon! …Just thought you ought to know." And then falling flat on your face and/or passing out.

1128. You are not allowed to sue someone for something stupid.

1129. You may no longer hold roller derby competitions in the cargo bays.

1130. No more beaming up huge quantities of leaves to make leaf piles in the cargo bays to jump in.

1131. Stop hanging up paper skeletons on the doors to Sickbay and Dr. McCoy's office.

1132. No more pumpkin-related food stuffs are to be ordered from the replicators, that's all they're giving us now.

1133. *Do not bring up the incident on Platonius. Seriously, don't.

1134. *Shaving cream should not be used to spray people "for fun".

1135. *Please do not greet Captain Kirk with a "Yes, my Colonel!" He does not approve of the shouting in his face before he's had his morning coffee.

1136. * Do not call your commanding officer a "spud head".

1137. *When they say "Over my dead body", you should assume it is hyperbole until proven to be literal, not the other way around.

1138. Do _not _rip a Ferengi off. If they rip you off, fine, but if you do it to them…

1139. Only Scotty can refer to the Engineers as his "motley crew".

1140. There are no days off due to weather related events. This is a Starship, not a high school.

* * *

"Hey guys?" Billings said.

"What?"

"Look at what just walked in."

One Pavel Chekov had just strode into the Rec. Room wearing a floor length black cape, oblivious to the attention he was getting.

"Halloveen vas inwented in Russia?" Sorren asked.

"Yeah…"

* * *

Right then, Rules #1121-1122 are by _Werepanther33_, #1123 is courtesy of _Katari Michelos_, #1124-1126c were thought up by _Laveycee_, #1127 is from _Dragons Rme_, _kittythekatty _came up with #1133-1134, #1135 is by _Ryder Bellamiren_, and #1136-1137 are by _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_. Thank you!


	57. Chapter 57

So... yeah. This is the first time in months that I've actually been late for a Rule's update. Terribly sorry about that, 10 page papers are a _pain _and take up all your time!

So, you all know the procedure: Read. Laugh. Review. Favorite. Follow. Have Fun!

* * *

Lt. West saw at the small table in the back of Sickbay, nervously munching on her sandwich that she had swiped from the Rec. Room. Lunch had been interrupted by a Yellow Alert and call to battle stations, sending the entire _Enterprise_ into a controlled rush to achieve the call to stations. She could hear a few stragglers sprinting past.

"You were smart to bring that with you," Christine Chapel said, pointing at West's sandwich.

"You should have seen the look the Doc gave me when I came in," West replied. "I had the other half of this sticking out of my mouth."

Chapel smiled, and then sobered. "I hate all this waiting. It does nothing for my nerves."

"I brought entertainment too," West said, and pulled out her PADD. "As long as no one decides to attack us in the next five minutes, of course."

* * *

1141. *Refusing to say 'I' at the beginning of a sentence is not okay. Neither is taking random pauses to breathe through your nose (the latter is starting to drive people nuts).

1142a. *All "your Mum" jokes are now banned from the _Enterprise_. No exceptions.

1142b. What about "yo Mama"?

1142c. You idiot!

1143. *Please stop referring to Lt. Uhura as Tyra Banks. She does not appreciate the "Bite me" reference and will punch the next person to say it.

1144. *Do not shout "pwned!" after someone is told off by a superior.

1145. Theme Days must be okayed by a senior officer first.

1146. Holding the ship's supply of coffee hostage is not a good idea, even if you are a senior officer.

1147. There is no such thing as a "gay-dar".

1148a. No, mayonnaise is not an instrument.

1148b. Neither is horseradish.

1149. *Mr. Spock does not know anyone named Gabiel Gray of Sylar. Please stop asking him.

1150. *When watching a sporting grand finale/championship in the Rec. Room and you team loses, do not state that the other team cheated and start a riot.

1151. *Stop telling the Scottish crewmembers (namely Scotty) to "fry something.

1152. *Please stop calling Mr. Spock "Master Xehanort". Yes, they sound the same, this does not mean they are the same person.

1153. (NorthStar51) It doesn't matter how many jail and prison breaks Captain Kirk has made, do not call him "Colonel Hogan". He has only used the tunnel method of escape one time.

1154. *Voices in your head do not have higher superiority than your superior officer.

1155. *When delivering a report to a superior, you should not start said report with "Which version of the truth would you like?"

1156. Do not yell "PIKACHU!" when you stun someone with your phaser. Phaser blasts are not electricity per-say.

1157. *Spock is not Tim the Enchanter. Stop calling him that.

1158. Scotty is not, and is not related to, Tim the Enchanter.

1159. *Do not play "It's the End of the World As We Know It" over the ship's intercom.

1160. Making "Darth Vader" noises through a breathing tube will most likely alert people of your location.

* * *

"I never understood these," Chapel said, shaking her head. "They can't all be serious!"

"Well you tell me," West said. "You've been on this ship longer than I have."

Chapel paused to think for a few seconds. "I think I'm going to make sure we have enough painkillers."

West shook her head as the Chief Nurse walked away.

* * *

Right, Rule #1141 is from _Werepanther33_, #1142a and 1143 came from _Ryder Bellamiren_, #1144 was thought up by _DragonsRme_, #1149 is courtesy of _Distressed Clover_, #1150 is by _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake (_Sorry!), _Nindroid _insisted on #1151, #1152 is by _Cmsully_, _NorthStar51_ thought up #1153, #1154 originates from _BlackDeath6_, _Ender the Time Lady_ came up with #1157, and _Trishata96_ gave us #1159. Thank you! 


	58. Chapter 58

Guess what! Last week was my two year anniversary for joining this website! I completely forgot! AND this upcoming Sunday is the two year anniversary of the Official List of Unofficial Rules! Man, a lot has changed, my life in cyberspace and in real life, but I still write the Rules on my bed a lot of the time :P

So thank you to EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER READ THIS STORY AND THE OTHERS THAT I HAVE WRITTEN! I love you all, and if not for you I would have given up on this a long time ago. I know fanfiction gets a lot of crap, but seriously, I've met a lot of cool people on this site.

So please remember to review! Thank you!

* * *

"…I've never seen Dr. McCoy turn a deeper shade of red! He locked himself in his office for the rest of the day!"

"That's awesome!"

As West and Sorren traded stories from the last few days, O'Shea looked up from his turkey sandwich at Billings as she walked over with a PADD in one hand and a paper bag in the other.

"Wha'cha got there, Fi?" he asked.

"The perks of working in Engineering," Billings replied. She opened the bag and pulled out a few cookies. "Fresh from the Warp-Engine Oven! Which is allowed with permission and supervision."

"Sweet!" Sorren cried, and proceeded to stuff two into his mouth. "Ooh, Imf nifd sfum milf!"

"What?" O'Shea giggled.

"I'll get him a glass of milk," West sighed. "You three, read the Rules. Hopefully there's one about stuffing your face full of butter cookies."

* * *

1161. *Do not hide in people's closets and yell "Welcome to Narnia" when they open the door.

1162. If your neighbors are being annoying, tell someone. Do not hang your dirty socks by their air vents.

1163a. *Lt. Medici does not run a bakery from her quarters.

1163b.* Even if she did, no one is allowed to tell Dr. McCoy.

1163c. Too late… I figured it out.

1164a.*You are not Scar from that old anime "Fullmetal Alchemist". You cannot explode peoples' heads, so stop trying.

1164b. *Where the hell did you even find that?

1165a. *We do not have a Rancor pit, therefore nobody is standing over one.

1165b. No, you may not build one.

1166a. You may not run down the hallways with toy airplanes and making airplane noises.

1166b. Same goes with toy space ships.

1167. Lt. Hadley does not have a social phobia, he just doesn't talk much.

1168._ 50 Shades of Grey _is banned. Just… no.

1169. Stop playing "Waka Waka" over the ship's intercom. _No one _can get it out of their head.

1170a. *When they say they've had it "up to here" with you, the exact level of "to here" is not an important part of the discussion.

1170b. *Nor is it a "good sign" that their "up to here" seems to be inches lower than your last CO's.

1171a. *New crewmembers do not need to be "Sorted", and they certainly do not need the four "Houses" arguing over them. Furthermore, none of you are in a "House".

1171b. *Gryffindor for the win!

1171c. *Slytherins' are cooler!

1171d. *Hufflepuffs are actually particularly good finers.

1171e. *Ravenclaws are smarter than all you peoples!

1171f. *Oh all of you SHUT UP!

1172. *No playing "Closing Time" when you get off your shift. Those people who are still on their shift/just starting do not appreciate your choice in music.

1173. You may not land a shuttlecraft outside an art museum and call it art.

1174a. *There has never been a rap battle between Captain Kirk and Christopher Columbus. Stop saying there has been.

1174b. *…yet.

1175. *"Requiescat in pace" is not how you say farewell to Red… Security personnel going on an away mission.

1176. Please uninstall the ejector seats from the Bridge. Captain Kirk does not like the fact that his Senior Helmsman is currently in Sickbay with a concussion from hitting the ceiling.

1177. Next time a bunch of aliens beam onto the Bridge for no apparent reason in the middle of Gamma shift and ask to see the man in charge, don't point to the nearest person in a red shirt, just call Captain Kirk.

1178. *Calling Captains Koloth or Kor "Colonel Klink" is dangerous, foolish, and really stupid. Klingons don't have a sense of humor (recall their relationship with Tribbles if you have doubts).

1179. No one is allowed to eat food while they are sitting in the Captain's Chair except Captain Kirk.

1180. Do NOT play that old Magic card game around Mr. Spock. Seriously, don't.

* * *

"Nothing about cookies here," Sorren said as he finished reading.

"Is this some kind of joke?"

The four looked over at a table of two brand new ensigns. "Remember when that was us?" Billings said.

"I considered transferring at first," O'Shea said. "Man am I glad I didn't do that."

"Same," West said.

* * *

Right, Rule #1161 is from _DragonsRme_, #1163a-b are from _KittytheKatty_, #1164a-1165a are from _Ender the Time Lady_, _Daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_ came up with #1170a-b, A _Guest_ thought up #1171a-f, #1172 is from our friend _Jedi Ani Unduli_, #1174a-b are courtesy of _Clockwork Rebel_, #1175 is by _Trishata96_, and _NorthStar51_ thought up #1178. Thank you!


	59. Chapter 59

Hello again! So sorry about the late update, I had Final Exams, and yesterday I slept in really late, so the List got put off to the side. But I'm back!

I had a list of things to say, but I lost it, and I can't remember what they were. Something to do with writing things… I'll think of them.

Happy holidays to you lot!

Who else is going to wear a red shirt on 12/21/12?

Enough with the chatter! Get reading! And remember to review! Or I will use the transporter to give you coal, or something. =P

* * *

It had been a long week. First there had been some very annoying diplomats who misunderstood everything, then there had been a couple of idiotic (or drunk, nobody was sure) Orion pirates who decided to attack the _Enterprise_. Then one of the main warp reactors started acting up. Then a virus somehow got into the ship's computer (something to do with some online game). Long story short, it had been a long week.

"Hey guys," Fiona Billings said, placing her tray of food on the table and sinking into a chair. "How's it going?"

"This is the first time I've eaten lunch without having to worry about crumbs going places they shouldn't," Grant O'Shea replied.

"This is the first time I've eaten lunch at a table," Kyle Sorren added. "Mr. Spock kicked us out into the hallway whenever we had to eat."

"I saw you guys doing that, and wondered what was going on," Arti West said.

"Fi, do you know why the ship's been acting up?" O'Shea asked.

Billings shrugged. "Nope, other than Fate has something against this ship. Though Mr. Scott was talking about how his 'Wee lassie was gittin' on in years', so that might have something to do with it."

"Enough talking," Sorren said, catching his PADD as it made a break for the edge of the table. "More Rules!"

* * *

1181. *No tying Mr. Spock under mistletoe.

1182. Stop moving things around in Mr. Spock's office. He has everything perfectly organized and catalogued and you are not helping in this regard.

1183a. Who gave Chekov that Game Boy? Seriously bad idea.

1183b. Captain Kirk just confiscated it… and threw it across the Bridge.

1183c. Problem solved.

1183d. Что вы подразумеваете проблема решена? Я собирался чтобы победить против Kрасный!

1183e. What'd he say?

1183f. He almost beat a Pokémon game.

1184. Please write Rules in Standard, no local dialects. And see Rule #77a while you're at it.

1185. *It is hereby forbidden to string the outside of the _Enterprise_ with blinking Christmas lights. Starfleet is becoming alarmed at the number of passing ships reporting epileptic seizures among their Bridge crew.

1186. No more playing the Green Hornet theme in the mornings. It isn't funny.

1187. The ship does not require a clutch pedal and a gear shift.

1188a. *Beans are not evil.

1188b. Unless they are cooked by Lt. Kyle.

1188c. …Seriously?

1189. *All warfare is indeed based on deception. This does not mean we wear disguises on watch.

1190. *You are not allowed to blame past lives on current actions.

1191. *You are not the atheist chaplain.

1192. *No more ship-wide games of 'Bogies'. We don't care how funny it is, just stop.

1193. *Stop yelling "Don't kick the squirrel".

1194. *Do not call Scotty "Newkirk". He's Scottish, not British.

1195. *Do not call Sulu "LeBeau". The last person who did that ended up cleaning out the maneuvering thrusters on the outside of the ship.

1196. *Tweaking the teleporter so that Kirk's (or anybody's) head materializes backwards is not funny anymore. I mean, really, McCoy has only _just_ been convinced to use the teleporters again after that last mishap.

1197. Offering Klingons/Romulans friendship bracelets is a bad idea.

1198. *Spock is not "one hell of a butler" even if he appears to read the Captain's mind.

1199. You may not use the conference rooms to laugh menacingly in for more than two minutes.

1200. Stop setting up a grand piano and cello in random places around the ship and planets we visit.

* * *

"Well, that was a nice little excursion," West said. "But I have to get back to Sickbay."

"See you, Arti! Sorren said.

Billings elbowed O'Shea as he made small gagging noises. He flashed her a grin, an she elbowed him again, harder.

"You're abusive," he hissed.

"You're annoying," she countered.

* * *

I'm sorry if you actually speak Russian. I don't. I know Spanish and Latin, sort of. I hope Google Translate didn't insult anyone.

Right, Rle #1181 is by threoy, #1185 is from Kanata Fujiwara, #1188a is courtesy of Ender the Time Lady, #1189 was thought up by daniandan-TehWolfyBlake, BlackDeath6 came up with #1190-1191, #1192-1193 were submitted by DragonsRme, NorthStar51 gave us #1194-1195, #1196 is by Trishata96, and #1198 is from Ryder Bellamiren. Thank you!


	60. Chapter 60

Happy New Year! I was away from my laptop all last week, and forgot to plan ahead, so thus why this is so late. Sorry!

And incase you haven't noticed, I do make mistakes from time to time, including repeating Rules more than once. In this case, three times. I can't find them all, but this was pointed out to me by _madnessdownunder2_.

Anyways, I wish all of you, my Readers, a wonderful new Year. So go and read now, and maybe review? Please? Tell me a few of you made a resolution to review the stories you read on this site…

* * *

Lt. West smiled as Grant O'Shea made his way over to the lunch table. "So your resolution is to eat healthier then, Grant?"

Grant sat down and scowled at his salad. "More like _forced_ resolution. Did you rat me out to McCoy or something?"

"No, why would I do that?" West asked.

"Because he limited my meal card," O'Shea said. "I asked for a hamburger, and I got this!"

"Why did the replicators give you vinaigrette dressing?" Billings moaned. "They never do that for me."

O'Shea promptly shoved his salad towards the Engineer. "Take it, Fi. I'm not hungry."

Seconds later, his stomach let out an unhappy growl and a… buzz?

"I don't think you can eat electronic "paper"," Sorren said, holding up his PADD.

* * *

1201. *You will not create new levels of security clearance.

1202. *Taking couches from alien garbage disposal areas because if you "spray some Febreze, scrub it a bit, it'll look great in your apartment" is not to be done anymore.

1203. *You need not say "allons-y" every time you leave a room.

1204. *If you continue insisting that "the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear", you'll be spreading Christmas cheer in the brig.

1205. *Chekov, we don't care what that old _Rise of the Guardians_ movie said, you can't go around claiming Santa Clause was "inwented in Russia".

1206. *There is no such thing as a killer bunny rabbit.

1207. *The _Enterprise_ is not Camelot, and it is not only a model.

1208a. *Banging a pair of coconuts does not count as riding a horse.

1208b. *Where did you even get those?

1208c. *Found 'em.

1208d. *How the hell did you find coconuts on a Starship?

1208e.* Maybe they migrated.

1208f. *Coconuts don't migrate

1208g. *It's called a "replicator", and please refer to Rule #77a.

1209. Lt. Hadley is a man of few words. Stop pestering him.

1210. Breaking out into song and dance helps with moral, yes, but interferes with efficiency, so please stop.

1211. *Telling Mr. Spock "This sentence is false" will not make him overload.

1212. *"I was under the influence of Blood magic" is not an excuse. Neither is "I was under the influence of a demon/spirit".

1213a. *Do not do something exceptionally stupid _just _to get mentioned in the Rules. The Rules are not "cool".

1213b. *Yeah, they are!

1213c. *No, they are NOT!

1213d. *Please refer to Rule #77a.

1214a. *When a new crewmember is on the ship, do not give them nametags and tell them to write their names on them.

1214b. *Especially since they will write names like I.C. Weiner or Hugh Jass on them.

1215. *Headcrabs do not exist and I should stop telling people that they do

1216. *High voltage electric fences are dangerous. That means you aren't supposed to touch it

1217. The _Enterprise _(as in the ship herself)does not need its own Twitter account!

1218a. No more toll booths in the hallways.

1218b. Even ones with Speed Pass options.

1219. *Ensign Grell Suttcliff is not a Grim Reaper. Do not ask him to kill Romulans with his Death Scythe.

1220. *Nurse Chapel is not Madame Red, and you shouldn't run from her screaming about a uterus.

* * *

"I give up!" O'Shea said. "Give me that!"

He reached over and pulled the salad he had given Billings back, stabbed it with his fork, and ate a mouthful. The others struggled not to giggle as his face twisted with distaste. He went back for another bite when a klaxon suddenly started wailing.

"All personnel report to stations. Repeat, all personnel report to stations," Lt. Uhura's voice ordered.

"My lunch…" O'Shea wailed as Billings and Sorren dragged him away from the table.

* * *

Great, now I'm hungry. I have to stop writing these on an empty stomach! Anyways, Rule #1201-1202 are by _BlackDeath6_, 1203-1204 are from _Nindroid_, #1205 was thought up by _twindaughterofArtemis_, #1206-1208g are courtesy of _Ender the Time Lady_, _Trishata96_ thought up 1211-1212, #1213a-c are from _Clockwork Rebel_, #12141-1216 are from _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, and #1219-1220 are by Ryder Bellamiren. Thank you!


	61. Chapter 61

Hello again! It's lunch time again! Well, it is here where I am. Time for a PB&J sandwich! What's your favorite sandwich? Random question, I know, but random stuff can be good for you!

Remember to review! Reviews are virtual sandwiches!

* * *

"Hel-lo! Earth to Arti!"

"Hm?"

Lt. West blinked as someone waved their hand in front of her face. She looked around at the other three at the table. "Yes? Did I miss something?"

"No," Billings replied. "But you were seriously spaced out there for a second."

"Are you okay, Arti?" Sorren asked. "You've been out of it lately."

O'Shea nodded in agreement, his mouth full of sandwich. West sighed, "I've been missing home a bit more than usually lately." She ran her fingers over the silver pendant around her neck.

No one said anything for a few moments until O'Shea pulled out his PADD. "Enough with the sullen mood already! We've got Rules!"

* * *

1221. *Placing a life size cut out of a Goron in Captain Kirk's quarters and turning off the lights is not allowed. We have video and the entire ship doesn't want to be woken up by Kirk screaming like a girl.

1222. *Captain Kirk does not scream like a girl.

1223a. SKGjfhgkjghapighhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhk

1223b. What?

1223c. Seriously guys? You had to put that in? I fell asleep on my keyboard!

1224a. *You cannot show up for your shift in a bathrobe with the excuse that you are a Jedi.

1224b. *That includes Gamma shift.

1225a. *"Cosplay Wednsday" is not a happening thing.

1225b. *Yet.

1226. *The control consoles on the bridge are not firework storage lockers and I should stop telling this to new crewmembers.

1227. *Don't use phasers to cook roast chicken.

1228. *Phasers are not authorized for use as a cooking utensil.

1229. As far as we're concerned, Lt. Cmdr. Giotto is the law.

1230. Stop asking Lt. Dresden if he knows any magic tricks. He doesn't.

1231. Do not yell "tally-ho" around Captain Kirk.

1232a. *Please stop asking Lt. Steve Rogers to pull out his shield of vibranium. The poor man has no idea what you're talking about.

1232b. *Stop embarrassing the man, it's like kicking a puppy.

1232c. Same with Antonio "Tony" Stark in Engineering. He is not allowed to make you said shield because vibranium does not exist.

1233. *Despite sharing the same names as Marvel characters, our crewmembers do not share the same abilities!

1234a. *Don't piss off Dr. Banner, though. He's got breathtaking anger issues…

1234b. *Stop that.

1234c. *Stop what?

1234d. *…Nevermind.

1235. Time travel is not a toy!

1236a. *Chekov is not Russia from that old anime _Hetalia_.

1236b. However he will respond if you call him Russia.

1237. No hacking your meal cards. You will be found out.

1238a. *No, the Computer is not KIT, and you cannot reprogram it so it will drive the ship for you like in that old TV show.

1238b. Not to mention, it's call "Auto Pilot".

1239. If a piece of machinery is not working properly, please report it to Maintenance and/or Engineering. Do NOT beam it down to an open field and beat it up with a baseball bat.

1240. Yes, this ship gets into a lot of trouble and tight spots, stop complaining!

* * *

"When all of this is over, I think I'll miss these," West said.

"Oh, definetly!" Sorren laughed.

"C'mon guys, we still have a ways to go," O'Shea said. "This ship is still trekin' across the universe."

"And may she always continue!" Billings added, lifting her glass.

* * *

Right, #1221-1222 are by _Trishata96_, #1224a-1225b are from _Ender the Time Lady_, #1226-1228 are courtesy of _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, _Ryder Bellamiren_ thought up #1232a-1234d, #1236a is by _Laveycee_, and _Tishbing_ came up with #1238a. Thank you!


	62. Chapter 62

Busy day yesterday! And yeah, hey all you who "watched" the Superbowl, did you see the commercial for the new Star Trek Movie?! Wasn't it awesome?! I think I scared my friends when it came on and I started screaming like a fangirl. I don't normally scream like a fangirl.

Now go and read the Rules! And don't forget to review and/or give suggestions!

* * *

"Hey you guys, could I get you to sign this?" Arti West pulled out a card and a pen, offering them to her friends.

"Who's sick?" O'Shea asked as he read the front of the card. His jaw dropped as he opened it.

"Really?" Billings asked.

West shrugged. "Germs don't care who they infect. He got kicked off the Bridge and into bed by the Captain himself."

"Since when did Kirk ever pull rank on McCoy?" Sorren asked. He tried to sign his name, but no ink came out. He glared at O'Shea. "Here's you stylus, can I please have the pen?"

"Only if you read the Rules!" O'Shea answered.

* * *

1241. *Stop trying to convert people to the "Quin", whatever that is.

1242. Do not put soap into the ship's water system. It takes forever to undo the damage.

1243. *You may not threaten someone with a rubber chicken.

1244. *You are not a troll.

1245. *You may not refer to yourself as being "Adorabloodthirsty".

1246. *Mr. Spock is not England/Britain.

1247. *Captain Kirk is _not_ America, even if he is "the hero".

1248. Starfleet is not going to build you a Death Star! Stop asking!

1249. Mosquitos are not an endangered species!

1250a. *Drifting lazily to the left is not a move to be made during a fire fight.

1250b. *Why? We weren't where we were.

1251. No more building barricades. It interferes with the normal operations of this ship.

1252. Candy is not a legal currency.

1253a. *When Dr. McCoy and Commander Spock agree on something, try to get them arguing about something. The balance of Earth will alter if you don't.

1253b. *Also keep away from Dr. McCoy and Commander Spock when they are arguing as well.

1254. *Do not use this as an excuse to fire at unknown ships: "If it moves shoot it".

1255. *There ees no dinosaur called Dingzar onboard the ship.

1256. *Tribble bowling in the hallways is not as much fun as it sounds.

1257. *Alduin's Dragon Petting Zoo is not an ideal place to go for shore leave, neither is any place in Skyrim.

1258. Stop referring to Captain Kirk and Cmdr. Spock as "Mom and Dad". Neither of them like what that implies.

1259. Do not say "Well excu-use me, princess" to any princesses that come onboard.

1260. No more hiding Furbies in people's closets. Those things are creepy.

* * *

"Happy? Now give me the pen!"

West and Billings watched as the boys proceeded to wrestle over the pen. "Boys," West sighed. Billings nodded.

* * *

So, #1241 is by _Tishata96_, #1243-1245 are from _Ender the Time Lady_, #1247-1248 were thought up by _Laveycee_, _BlackDeath6_ came up with #1250a-b, and #1253a-1257 are courtesy of _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_. Thank you!


	63. Chapter 63

Hi. I am so glad I update this List every other week, because I would otherwise be telling you don't expect an update next week. I've now got a paper due in four of my five classes next week. Woot.

Something totally unrelated: Girl Scout cookies are amazing. Especially Samoas. Erm, Caramel DeLites. No, they're still Samoas.

Please remember to review. Reviews help keep me going, and catch mistakes that I make! Suggestions too, because they make me laugh.

* * *

"Hey Fiona, where you... going?" O'Shea's question hung in the air and was blown away as Fiona Billings stormed past him with sandwich and drink in hand. A group of officers quickly parted to let the Engineer through the door.

"What was that about?" Sorren asked.

"Heck if I know," O'Shea replied. "Arti, you're a girl..."

"But I'm not an engineer," West said. "It's got nothing to do with you, Grant."

"Good," O'Shea sighed. "I was worried for a second."

"I hope she's okay," Sorren said. "She's missing the Rules!"

* * *

1261. *"Let's head to the small moon that is clearly a moon and nothing else/that's no moon" is not to be said every time we go to a planet that has a moon.

1262. Using dolls to act out fantasies and accidently leaving them where a superior officer can find them is bad.

1263. No more decorating the Bridge. This includes pirate ship, castle, jungle, office, dance club, cave, and retro.

1264. *There is no such thing as "Mime Time".

1265a. *Torchwood is a fictional show. You may not act out various episodes of it.

1265b. Or of any television show for that matter.

1266. *When you see an unidentified liquid on a landing party, the smartest thing to do would be to take a tricorder reading and leave the liquid alone, not poke at the liquid with your finger and then proceed to taste test it.

1267. *Inanimate objects do not defy gravity. If you drop a knife from your hand, it still will hit your foot.

1268. *Stop sending the alien creatures we are transporting to Babel to the Wesker's Home For Misunderstood Creatures. Starfleet was mighty ticked off at us for that stunt.

1269. We do not need a full on arsenal of cannon balls. Photon torpedoes work much better. Scotty wants them out of his office.

1270a. Baseball bats may only be used for recreational purposes.

1270b. Same with cricket bats and any kind of bats.

1271. Would you please stop singing like you are in a musical? You don't need to sing every time you open your mouth.

1272. Lt. Sullivan's name is not Harry, its Henry. And he is not an imbecile.

1273a. *The Captain is the Captain, and Jim to close friends. Call him "Jim-bob" again and you will not like the reaction…

1273b. This goes for Jimmy, Jamie, Jimbo, Jimboree, Jim boy, James-y, and JT as well.

1274. *During carnival season, dressing up is allowed in the Rec. Rooms, but doing so is limited to Starfleet personnel during off-duty intervals.

1275. *Your fancy dress for carnival may not include wearing elf ears. Mr. Spock does not appreciate that you want to make him feel comfortable with "like-minded" people. You might look alike, but you are not a Vulcan.

1276. *You are no longer allowed to perform the play Les Miserables. You made almost everyone on this ship cry, including Chekov.

1277a. *None of you are joining the French Revolution.

1277b. Not to mention the play isn't set during the French Revolution!

1278. The French Revolution period is off limits. We are not allowed to travel back to that time.

1279. No more hanging car air-fresheners above the view screen. Not everyone enjoys that "new car smell".

1280a. *Dr. McCoy is not to be referred to as your mother, even if he acts like a mother hen sometimes.

1280b. Face it, Doc, you really do act that way some times. Please don't hunt us down. Again.

* * *

"That play needs a warning before seeing it," O'Shea said.

"What, you cried too?" West asked.

"NO!" O'Shea paused. "Well, I sniffled..."

"You cried too," Sorren said.

* * *

All right then, #1261 is from _BlackDeath6_, #1264-1265b are by _Ender the Time Lady_, #1266-1268 are courtesy of _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, #1273a was thought up by _Ebony Starstorm_, _Milton Perry _submitted #1274-1275 (major props to him for overcoming the language barrier to do so), _twindaughterofArtemis_ gave us #1276-1277a, and #1280a is by _ShivaVixen_. Thank you!


	64. Chapter 64

So, let me just share a few things with you before we start. At this moment, this story has 764 Reviews, is the 2nd most reviewed _Star Trek TOS_ story, has over 109,000 views, 182 favorites and follows, and contains over 42,000 words. Guys, this is amazing, and is all thanks to you! If not for you readers, this List would have died out long ago!

Please do review after reading! Share any suggestions or ideas! Even those who haven't before or lack an account to this site! I reply to each review!

* * *

"Kyle, you look like you're philosophizing about something," Lt. West said. "Care to share with us what you are thinking?"

"Does it ever feel like your every move is being watched?" Sorren asked.

"Dude, we're on a _Starship_," O'Shea replied. "We're always being watched."

"No, no it's not that," Sorren said. "It's like..."

"Hold that thought!" Billings said. "We've got Rules!"

* * *

1281. Rumors are just that, rumors. We cannot confirm nor deny them.

1282. No more rubber ducks in the water systems.

1283. *I will not make you a Portal Gun, so that you can make a portal from where you are sitting to the closest toilet.

1284. *Don't put up stupid signs on the door to your quarters saying; "No Trespassing: There are a lot of valuable tucked away in these quarters and I'm sure the owners would just hate it if someone were to barge in and take them all", that sign is an open invitation to lose all of your valuables.

1285. *There is no known cure for the common cold and stop saying that there is.

1286. Sorry guys, Starfleet has vetoed the plans for moving walkways.

1287. Dignitaries are not known for their sense of humor.

1288a. *No, Captain Kirk is not Jack Frost.

1288b. *But he sounds _just like him_.

1288c. *He's still not Captain Kirk.

1288d. *And they both have blue eyes.

1288e. *CAPTAIN KIRK IS NOT JACK FROST SO DEAL WITH IT!

1288f. And he doesn't have blue eyes. So double pwned!

1289. You may not use the Unofficial List to "pwn" or "double pwn" someone.

1290. *Spock's ears are not pointy because he didn't eat his green vegetables.

1291. *Slenderman is not real. Stop freaking out.

1292a. *The floor is not made of lava. Get off the ceiling.

1292b.* How are you still up there? It's been over a week!

1293. *Stop yelling "Game over, man! Game over!" and "Four more weeks and out, now I'm going to buy it on this ship/rock/station" when things go wrong.

1294. You may not kick everyone out of the Rec. Room just so you can sing "Empty Chairs and Empty Tables". People don't like it when you interrupt their lunch.

1295a. Can you hear the people sing?

1295b. Singing the songs of angry men?

1295c. It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again!

1295d. When the beating of your heart…

1295e. Echoes the beating of the drums…

1295f. There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes!

1295g. Tomorrow isn't going to come unless you two knock it off! No using the Rules to quote song lyrics! Rule #77a! Seriously!

1296. *This is a Starship, we are in space. Looking out of the window and screaming "where is the sky, we're drowning! OMG we're going to die!" is not a constructive use of your time.

1297. *Do not, _do not_ convince Chekov (or any other Helmsman) to pull a "Crazy Ivan" after turning off the inertial dampeners.

1298. *You are not like Neo from _The Matrix_. Unless you want to end up in Sickbay, do not bend backwards dodging phaser fire unless you are really that flexible.

1299. It's pronounced "Chek-ovff" not "Chek-OOf".

1300. Enough with the Harlem Shake stuff already! It's so 2013!

* * *

"You were saying, Kyle?" Billings asked.

"Do these guys have cameras everywhere or something?" Sorren said.

"I'm taking a shower with my underwear on," O'Shea mumbled.

* * *

Right then, #1283-1285 are from _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake, _#1288a-e are from _SuperAvenginWho_, #1290 is by _TheBaritone_, #1291-1292b are courtesy of _Ender the Time Lady_, #1293 was thought up by _Sherza_, _Ebony Starstorm_ gave us #1296, _Trishata96_ submitted #1297, and #1298 is by _Sonar_. Thank you!


	65. Chapter 65

It's snowing. Again. Well, it was earlier, now I'm not sure what it's doing. What weather is outside your window?

Please remember to review!

* * *

"Every ti-ime that I look in the mirror, all these li-ines on my face gettin' clearer..."

O'Shea moaned. "Someone make that jukebox thing shut up. Please?"

"It's you're fault you had to go and celebrate your heritage, Grant," Sorren said. "Even though your family hasn't been in Ireland since the 18th century, am I right?"

"You and everyone else on this ship," West sighed. "We ran out of the hangover stuff."

"Shut up," O'Shea grumbled.

"C'mon Grant, we've got some new Rules for you," Billings said, pulling out her PADD.

* * *

1301. *If we find ourselves in an alternative universe that bears little to no resemblance to our own, dressing Chekov in black and beaming him aboard any space stations we may find in the vicinity is inadvisable. Even if the looks on said station's command crew are sure to be absolutely priceless. That said, in order to preserve our sanity, there will be no beaming the second in command of said station aboard the _Enterprise_ either. One Russian is enough.

1302. *There is no known cure for the common cold and stop saying that there is.

1303. Who the hell is "John Harrison"?

1304. *The chant from _The Dark Knight Rises_, "Deshi Basara, is no longer allowed. That's usually when food fights/duels/competitions/disruptions start.

1305. You may not enter the _Enterprise_ in any racing regatta.

1306. *You may not host a Rock Band tournament.

1307a. *No more shipping wars. It took a week to clean up the damage!

1307b. *KARKATxJOHN FOREVER! JOHN IS CLEARLY IN DENIAL ABOUT NOT LIKING GUYS!

1307c. *GARBAGE! KARKATxTEREZI!

1307d. *WHAT DID WE JUST SAY! And please refer to Rule #77a.

1307e. *Sorry…

1307f. *Sorry…

1308a. *Telling visiting dignitaries "Dead or alive, you're coming with me" is a very bad idea.

1308b. *It doesn't help too much with enemies, either.

1309. Do not let Dr. McCoy look after your plants.

1310. No superhero capes while on duty.

1311. You may not "ride" the warp nacelles, even if you are drunk (people, stop your friends before they do this).

1312. *Do not ask Kirk why he says he loves the _Enterprise_ more than any woman, yet still falls in love about every time we visit a new planet.

1313. *Do not headbutt a Klingon while yelling "Kroogaaan Headbutt!" They do not appreciate it, even if it proves you have balls.

1314a. *No, you may not replicate the weaponry from _Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters_. We don't care how cool it looks or if it intimidated an entire species into peaceably signing with the Federation, DON'T DO IT.

1314b. *But it was fun! When was the last time some caved that fast?

1314c. *Please don't encourage them.

1315a. *Please stop harassing Lieutenants Hansel and Gretel Weiss. They are not flattered and do not appreciate scraps of really old paper shoved into their faces for autographs. Lt. Hansel Weiss would also like you to stop calling him Hawkeye.

1315b. *Even if Hansel did have a girlfriend named Mina and mentioning her gets this stony look?

1315c. *But that last one is fun! Besides, he has a crossbow that does that thingy-

1315d. *Enough, you guys. Get back to work.

1316. Mr. Spock wants all of those stuffed animals out of his quarters. Too much plush is apparently unappreciated and detrimental to Vulcans.

1317. Yes, the Romulan Neutral Zone is a "zone", and it is dangerous, however the next person to blast "Danger Zone" when we get near the Romulan Neutral Zone will be very, very sorry.

1318. *Jury-rigging the replicators to produce everything in half; half a mug, half a plate, etc., is not funny. We don't care how much you like that old Charlie and the Chocolate Factory movie.

1319. *Stop singing the Smurf Song you guys! It is not funny and is getting really annoying!

1320. Polka never dies.

* * *

"Well that was… random," Billings said. "Who listens to polka anyways?"

"Someone in Medical," West sighed. "It's on all the Sickbay playlists."

"You guys have _playlists_?" Sorren gasped.

"It gets rather boring when this crew isn't trying to kill itself," West said.

"Could you guys give those playlists to that jukebox thing?" O'Shea pleaded. "It's playing Katy Perry again..."

* * *

Please note that I have nothing against Katy Perry.

Right, #1301 is from _Lucillia_, #1302 is by _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, #1304 is courtesy of _Jedi Ani Unduli_, #1306-1307f were submitted by _Ender the Time Lady_, _Sherza_ came up with #1308a-b, #1312 came to us from _TheBaritone_, #1313 is by _Trishata96_, #1314a-1315d are from _Ryder Bellamiren_, #1318 comes from _Ebony Starstorm_, and #1319 is by _DragonsRme_. Thank you!


	66. Chapter 66

No April Fool's joke here, I was traveling all day yesterday. So here are some more Rules! Sorry about that!

Please remember to review! All suggestions welcome!

* * *

Ensign Billings weaved through the crowd on her way to Rec. Room 4. "Hey! Arti! Artemis, wait up!"

A blue-clad crew girl paused and turned. "Slow down, Fi, I hear you."

The two entered the Rec. Room and scanned the space for the other two members of their multi-departmental crew. They spotted Ensign O'Shea waving to them from the back corner along with Lt. Sorren

"Hey guys," Lt. West said. "We'll be right back, we need food."

"Hurry up!" O'Shea called. "The Rules are waiting!"

* * *

1321. Stop telling the new Science and Medical personnel that the plastic dummies are actually alive and will eat them.

1322. *Do not give Dr. McCoy the "Medical Ethics for Dummies" book.

1323. *Do not give Mr. Scott the "Starship Engineering for Dummies" book.

1324. *Do not give Captain Kirk the "Being a Starship Captain for Dummies" book.

1325. *No more "For Dummies" books period.

1326. *Yes, Mr. Scott can build mechanical battle suits for Security personnel to wear into a fight. However he is forbidden to do so "on pain of death" after the first attempt (there is a video somewhere).

1327. *Enough with the roleplaying already!

1328. The _Enterprise_ is not to be referred to as a "space-boat".

1329. Do not refer to the Federation of Planets as "FoP" (pronounced "fop"). Yes, that's what the letters spell out, but it sounds stupid.

1330. *Do not talk about spores in front of Spock.

1331a. *Dr. McCoy did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this, or any other, morning. Stop asking him that.

1331b. *Both sides are the bad side for him :P

1331c. Bad move, dude…

1331d. *I'm going to get you for that you (content edited) son of a (content edited)!

1332. *You are not allowed to have fandom wars.

1333. *Claiming you are indoctrinated does not get you off punishment duty.

1334. *Do not write anything for a Kink meme, and then send it to the officers involved in it. We only just got Spock and McCoy back from the counselor and the author is still in critical condition.

1335. *Looking into the middle distance every time someone mentions his or her parents and then muttering "flashback" is not appreciated.

1336. We are not traveling back in time just so you can take lessons from some famous artist/musician/athlete/whoever.

1337. The transporter is not to be used for mixing drinks.

1338. Lt. Com. Giotto wants all of that yellow padding out of the brig cells. It's a nice touch, but an unnecessary one.

1339. Lt. Jager would like his rock collection back.

1340. ENOUGH WITH THE COS-PLAY ALREADY!

* * *

"Well that explains Dr. McCoy's mood the other day," West said. "He was stalking around Sickbay, crankier than usual."

"I found remnants of that "For Dummies" book in the warp reactor room," Billings added.

"I love this ship and crew," O'Shea said suddenly.

No one disagreed with him.

* * *

Right, #1322-1325 are by _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, #1326 is from _Sherza_, #1327 is by _Ender the Time Lady_, #1330 is from _TheBaritone_, _BloodLily6_ came up with 1313a, b, and d, _twindaughterofArtemis_ gave us #1332, #1333-1334 are from _Trishata96_, and #1335 is by _Ebony Starstorm_. Thank you!


	67. Chapter 67

Hey! I'm still alive! Last week was crazy with papers, roommate troubles, applications, course selections, preparing for finals, and well… the Boston Marathon. I wasn't there, but that was way too close to home. My prayers go out to everyone affected by it.

So, here are the Rules. Please remember to review when you are done reading, and feel free to drop any suggestions in the comments box as well, or send them in a PM.

* * *

Finally, lunch time! Ensign Grant O'Shea sat down and pulled open his brown paper bag containing a sandwich (which was theoretically tomato, mozzarella, and basil), some potato chips, and an apple swiped from the botany gardens.

"O'Shea, what do you think you're doing?"

O'Shea froze in mid-bite and looked sheepishly up at Lt. Sarah Wolfe. She rolled her eyes and waved her hand, allowing him to swallow.

"Having lunch," O'Shea replied. "I haven't had anything to eat since 0900."

"Do you ever think with anything other than your stomach?" Wolfe asked.

"My head is off duty right now," O'Shea replied. Much to his delight, Wolfe smiled.

"You've got fifteen minutes," she said. "And no crumbs."

"Yes ma'am!" O'Shea cried, and saluted her with his sandwich. They both watched as O'Shea's lunch bag started vibrating across the table. "All right, mail!"

* * *

1341a. *Stop trying to get the Helmsman, during a space battle, to yell, "Target the Reavers, target the Reavers! Somebody FIRE!" Especially if said enemy is Romulan or Klingon because sometimes the comm. is accidently left open and they can _hear _what you say.

1348b. Plus, if you don't specify someone in particular to fire, either everyone does it at once or nobody does it at all.

1348c. Don't say it while we are engaged with Fleet war games, because someone on the other ship might hear you and recognize the reference and get very ticked off.

1342a. *There is no planet called Alternia. Even if there was, we would not go there.

1342b. *Same goes for Beforus and Surrogia.

1342c. And no, we cannot name/rename any planets that either.

1343. *Yes, there is a crewmember named Artemis. She is not "Artemis Fowl" from that old book series, please stop referring to her as such.

1344. *Zombies are not real, so chill out already!

1345. *No, you cannot make and install an Improbability Drive.

1346. *Stop running around the ship in beige uniforms with vacuum cleaners on your back shouting "Who ya gonna call?"

1347. Ridiculously long scarves are no longer allowed onboard.

1348. Stop making short jokes around Alexander. He has permission and the knowledge to do serious damage to your shins and kneecaps.

1349. *You may not use Engineering as an obstacle/free-running course. If you don't hurt yourself, Scotty will do it for you.

1350. *Stop saying there is a Dinosaur Area. Several crew members actually believe you.

1351a. *Stop trying to make "Super Noxious Fart Bombs" and using said fart bombs onboard.

1351b. Deck 4 Section C is still uninhabitable because of those things.

1352. Always check for a force field of some sort before attempting transport. It doesn't matter if the planet is uninhabited, just do it!

1353. Stop asking the Captain if he has "moves like Jagger".

1354. *Do not turn the gravity off so you can try to stick to the wall like Spider-Man.

1355. *No dancing Gangnam Style down the hallways.

1356. Stop attaching clothes pins to people's shirts. It's getting out of hand (and besides, someone has already gotten Spock).

1357. *Spraying people with silly-string and lighting them on fire is not an acceptable form of punishment.

1358. *Slavery is illegal in the Federation. No, we do not know how you managed to convince Chekov that he was your slave of how you got him into those restraints. Do it again, any of you, and you will be court marshaled.

1359. *Quit saying, "Wow, it's bigger on the inside!" whenever you come onto the _Enterprise_.

1360. We are not allowed to hold a planet hostage for 1 million dollars or any other substantial amount.

* * *

Moments after finishing, O'Shea's PADD buzzed once more as a new message came in. It was from Arti.

"If any of you make any jokes in relation to Rule #1343, I will hurt you. I just finished getting that cleared up."

* * *

Right, #1341a is from _Jedi Ani Unduli_, #1342a-1344 are by _Ender the Time Lady_, #1345-1346 are courtesy of _DragonsRme_, #1349 was thought up by _Remi-it's-a-girl's-name_, _daniandain-TehWolfyBlake_ gave us #1350-1351a, _Sonar _came up with #1354, #1355 is from _Book girl fan_, #1357 is by _Kittythekatty_, #1358 came from _Ebony Starstorm_, and #1359 is from _cmsully_. Thank you! _  
_


	68. Chapter 68

Ha-ha! Miss me? Let's make this easy and just say that I took the month off, okay? But I'm back now and free for the summer (as free as one can be with a summer job). Who has seen the New Movie? No spoilers yet! I haven't seen it! But I will soon!

Please remember to review!

* * *

"For goodness… Grant get that thing out of my face!"

Ensign O'Shea yelped in alarm as Ensign Billings hit his camera at just the right angle to send it flying from his hands. He managed to catch it at the last second, just before it hit the ground and (potentially) shattered into a million pieces.

"C'mon, Fi, I'm just trying to figure out all the settings for this thing," he said as he checked over his birthday present.

"And I'm just trying to eat my lunch!" Billings replied. She smiled as Lt. Arti West came over to join them. "Hey there, Arti!"

"Hello," West replied. "Looks like the gang is mostly here."

"Tell me, Arti, why do you still have lunch here, and not in the officer's mess?" O'Shea asked.

"Because the Lower Decks are far more entertaining," West said, "And this is much closer to Sick Bay."

"And to the Science labs!" Sorren added. He pulled out his PADD. "And because these are _so _much better with friends."

* * *

1361a. No more using the transporters for get-rich-quick schemes. Scotty is getting angry that he has to fix the things constantly because of you messing around.

1361b. All transporters are to be guarded until people stop misusing them.

1362. No rapping security codes during open-mic nights.

1363a. Open mic night is not to be broadcasted across the ship.

1363b. Especially if Kevin Riley is entered.

1363c. HEY!

1364a.*Whoever is planting random pumpkins all over the ship, stop it.

1364b. *What pumpkins?

1364c. *How… where the heck did they all disappear to?

1365. *You do not own a Death Note.

1366.*Writing and publishing stories about the Bridge crew in various (often homosexual) relationships is hereby banned… Mr. Spock was not impressed.

1367. *There is no need for you to hide in air vents above people's quarters and make ghost sounds.

1368a.*When someone asks for your name, please do not respond with "I am the Avatar".

1368b. *Or the Captain

1368c. *Or Legolas

_1369. _*Whilst on the planet affectionately termed "Tolken's World", do not, we repeat DO NOT aggravate the "Elven" Prince. The last guy to do that ended up in Sickbay looking like a living pincushion.

1370. *We don't care if you "gotta catch 'em all", you cannot be late for your shift just because you were trying to beat an ancient Earth game and you "Can't save yet".

1371. Since you got the packs on them, please remove the frickin' laser packs off of the frickin' Coriant sharks in the marine tanks.

1372. Lt. George Weston would like his yogurt back.

1373a. *Do not leap into the arms of a dignitary and ask loudly "Where have you been all my life?!" Their race may have seers. The good doctor doesn't like treating heart attack patients with a fear of hospitals.

1373b. Don't do the above especially if said dignitary is Ambassador Sarak.

1373c. That is the only time anyone will ever see a mortified Vulcan.

1373d. Tell me someone got pictures of Spock's face!

1373e. Rule #77a. Look it up. I don't know why I bother anymore…

1374. *Do not go up to Scotty and tell him there is no difference between scotch, whiskey, and bourbon. Just don't.

1375. No sports jerseys while on duty. We don't need another fight to break out between fans.

1376_. _*Do not replicate live animals onboard the _Enterprise_. Tribbles count too.

1377. *DO NOT try and create an actual Nyan cat!

1378. *No more sticking people to the walls with Scotty's experimental super-glue.

1379. *Jane Shepard kindly asks that everyone stop asking her about "Reapers" and "Where is the _Normandy_?"

1380. *John Sheppard also asks that people stop asking him where Todd the Wraith is.

* * *

"Scotty's not the only one getting annoyed with the transporters," Billings sighed.

"Kirk came in yesterday and argued with McCoy over the things after last week's mishap," West added.

"Pardon me, but is anyone occupying this chair?"

The four friends looked up to see a young man with slanted eyebrows and elfin-ears standing at the end of their table.

"You can join us," Sorren said.

The young Vulcan's eyes narrowed for a brief moment before he sat at the furthest end of the table. "Thank you," he said.

* * *

Right, #1364a-1365 are by_ Ender the Time Lady_, #1366-1367 are from_DragonsRme_, #1368a-c were thought up by _____KittytheKatty_, #1369 is by_____ Ryder Bellamiren_, the mysterious_____ Guest_ gave us #1370,_____ c-wolf _came up with #1373a, #1374 is from_____ CHESMJR14_, #1376-1377 are from_____ daniandain-TehWolfyBlake_, #1378 is from_____ Sonar_, and #1379-1380 are b_____y Trishata96_. Thank you!


	69. Chapter 69

Fine, it's Tuesday, my bad. Still, here are more Rules! Please remember to review, and if you have any ideas or suggestions feel free to drop me a line!

* * *

Sarn sat down in the chair he had sat in for the last few weeks. Rec. Room 4 was where most of the crew went to have their break-time meals, and in an attempt to integrate himself with the rest of the crew, chose to go their as well. The other Vulcans on the _Enterprise_, Spock and Xon, some times ventured down to the Rec. Room as well, but not as often. Spock was a Senior Officer, and Xon was still "observing" humans from a distance; they had their own logic behind their actions, and Sarn had his. He was hungry.

"Hey."

Sarn looked up at the human standing next to him. "You want to come and join us?" she asked, motioning to the other three humans sitting at the table. "We don't bite or anything..."

"If it would not bother you," Sarn replied.

"Not at all!" the girl said. "I'm Fiona Billings, Ensign. That's Grant O'Shea, Kyle Sorren, and Arti West."

"I am Sarn," Sarn said. He gave a short bow. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Same all around!" O'Shea said. "It's nice to finally meet you, Sarn!"

The next half an hour moved quickly as the group of five learned more about each other. Sarn was in the Tactical department, and had transferred aboard at Star Base 53. It was all going well when Sorren and Billings' PADDS buzzed loudly.

"The Rules are here!" Sorren said happily.

"Rules?" Sarn asked.

* * *

1381a. *Gunnery Sergeants Holmes and Watson wish to inform the crew that what they do is no one else's business. Watson has his phaser set to severe burn for anyone who suggests otherwise.

1381b. *Seriously, people, not a good idea to ask them anything with Watson around.

1381c. *That's because you were stupid enough to ask in front of Watson! Hello, sniper-level ability to shoot things?!

1381d. *We have a video of him frying the Captain with extreme prejudice. It's beautiful.

1381e. *Holmes is willing to divulge, but you have to catch him where he frequents!

1381f. *Now would be a great time to shut up…

1382. *Please do not use the transporter to beam Legos into people's shoes. They are extremely painful.

1383. You may not use shuttlecrafts to run your own taxi service when we stay in one area for an extended period of time.

1384. No using the transporters for dropping water balloon bombs on people.

1385a. *Please quit asking Security personnel why they don't have armor like in those ancient _Halo _games. They're starting to get ideas…

1385b. *This goes for _Mass Effect_ as well.

1385c. *And _Starcraft_.

1385d. *And _Warhammer 40k_.

1385e. *And Iron-Man. Come on, we've been over this, no talking about power armor to Security.

1385f. *And don't bring it up with Engineering either. Remember Rule #1080: you don't have permission.

1385g. *No seriously, whoever pointed out the benefits of making such armor (protection from radiation, explosions, etc.) will be found. Those guys aren't working on anything else or the more important things like fixing the coffee makers!

1385h. *We here in Security and Engineering would like to thank all those who helped make the new suits. We've decreased Security casualties by 63% and Engineering injuries by 80%. Thanks for the idea!

1385i. *Please see Rule #77a… wait, they work?!

1385j. *Not quite, but enough. And for that smart-ass comment and total disregard for our collective safety we won't be fixing the coffee makers for a while.

1385k. The Science and Medical departments would like to put in a request for some of these suits as well.

1385l. And coffee!

1386. *Please remove the large blue telephone box from Corridor 4 and get rid of it completely this time. Just moving it to a different location is not removing it!

1387. When an Engineer has a very large tool in their hand, get out of their way if you value your safety.

1388. If you don't belong in Engineering, don't come down. We're tired of "rescuing" people when they get lost.

1389. What's with all this "Moon Moon" stuff? Could you please stop it?

1390. *No! Scotty will not make a Cain for you. That's just asking for the ship to be blown up.

1391. *The next person to say the word "Misha" dies. I don't care if it is a Tumblr joke, just stop.

1392. *Stop making humiliating bets. It was funny when that one short guy had to walk around with bunny ears on all day, but enough is enough!

1393. You are not allowed to take "days off" unless you are permitted to do so. Dr. McCoy would like to know what kind of idiot doctor you take him for.

1394. Maintenance requests that you stop sticking stickers everywhere. They are a pain to remove.

1395a. *You are not allowed to "glomp" Senior Officers.

1395b. *Or Ambassadors.

1395c. *Just stop with the glomping!

1396. Whoever set up that snare trap on Deck 3 Section B, Lt. Kyle would like it if you would let him down now.

1397. Captain Kirk has requested that you stop setting up snare traps.

1398. Just because Mr. Scott is now sporting a mustache does not mean you can too.

1399. Scotty would like to know why you are calling him the "Brigadier" all of a sudden.

1400. *Stop drawing caricatures of the various species that we meet. The ambassador from that planet we discovered last month was not happy with his.

* * *

"I assume that these are some kind of... moral boosting exercise?" Sarn asked.

"Uh, yeah!" O'Shea said. "You could say that."

"But since they are "Rules", they must be based upon some action performed by some person," Sarn said. "Are there more of these Rules? They may give me insight as to how this crew functions."

Sorren handed over his PADD slowly. "Knock yourself out, dude, there are a lot of them."

* * *

Right, from last time, Rule #1370 was by _Plotbunny Chariot_. This time, Rule #1381a-f is from _Ryder Bellamiren_, #1382 is by _Kittythekatty_, #1385a-k was thought up by _Dracco_, #1386 came from _DragonsRme_, _Trishata96_ came up with #1390, _Ender the Time Lady_ gave us #1391-1392, #1395a-c are from _BloodLily16,_ and #1400 is from _RheaTheWingedWolf_. Thank you!


	70. Chapter 70

Happy Monday! How's it going everyone? I'm doing fine, I suppose, nothing out of the ordinary here. Here are some more Rules to try not to break. Remember to review after reading! Any and all suggestions are welcome!

* * *

Lt. West looked up. "Why hello there Sarn!"

"Hello, Miss West," Sarn replied, and then added, "I mean, Arti."

West smiled. O'Shea swallowed his mouthful of sandwich. "Sarn, where'd you get the new uniform? You were yellow last time I saw you!"

"I have a few shifts as a communications officer," Sarn said, "Which requires a change of uniform designation."

O'Shea squinted. "Traitor."

Sarn tilted his head to the side. "I do not see why changing my uniform for my second duty obligations makes me a traitor."

"There's a bit of a rivalry between the different sections," Billings explained. "So changing from a yellow uniform to a red one makes you somewhat of a traitor, depending on who you ask. But it's all in good fun!"

"I see..." Sarn said. Actually, he didn't.

"Enough with that," West said. "We've got Rules!"

* * *

1401. The spectrum analysis equipment in the chemistry labs are for official use only, not for playing "guess the substance".

1402. Note to everybody: Vulcans have above average hearing!

1403. The definition of "Made it" is debatable when you strip a craft of its paint job and manage to get several components crushed in the process of "making it".

1404a. *Stop running around with giant keys. You are not a _Kingdom Hearts_ character.

1404b. *SCREW YOU I AM ROXAS!

1404c. *DIBS ON AXEL!

1404d. *I CALL ZEXION!

1404e. *No, I've already called Zexion, you can be Marluxia.

(Rules 1404f through 1404bh have been omitted)

1404α. *HAVE ANY OF YOU HEARD OF RULE #77a!?

1405a. *When a superior officer gives you an order, the correct response is to do it. Do not turn to them and say "Aren't you a special little snowflake?"

1405b. *Well aren't you a special little snowflake.

1405c. *You are going to die now…

1406. *This is the _Enterprise_, not Camp Half Blood. Stop calling the ship that.

1407a. No commandeering parade floats.

1407b. But it was an emergency!

1407c. Well you can't do it again. Especially if you are going to dance on it in the middle of a _covert operation_!

1408a. *You may not declare war on the moon (even if it does have a tactical advantage).

1408b. And before you ask, that mean any moon! Earth's or otherwise! Except Vulcan, which has no moon.

1409. Dr. McCoy would really like it if you would stop setting up plastic American Civil War soldiers outside his office doors. Actually, the Medical personnel would like you to stop more than he does.

1410. Every time you annoy Dr. McCoy, the Medical staff has to deal with the fallout. So please don't annoy him, okay?

1411. *The ship's computer is not named Jane.

1412. Lt. Sulu cannot make sushi. Stop asking him for sushi.

1413a. If you find a one-way mirror, please tell Security, because all of the mirrors from the interrogation rooms have been replaced with actual mirrors, and they would like their one-way mirrors back.

1413b. Found them, they're on Deck 5, Section E.

1413c. The mirrors have been retrieved. And the hunt for the "immature idiots" who moved them has started. If you fess up now, your punishment will be merciful.

1413d. AND DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

1414a. *The CG does not appreciate the looks of pure horror every time someone looks at them. Whatever you watched that caused that look, wipe it from your memory before you go and see them.

1414b. *Same goes for Tony Stark. Engineering is still recovering.

1415. *Stop asking Ensign Stark about his direwolf. He doesn't have one, but if he did, he'd sic it on the next person to ask.

1416. *The Conn. Is not the "Iron Throne". Nor is the Captain's proper title James of the House Kirk, the First of His Name.

1417. Leave Ensign Tony Stark alone, okay?

1418. Scotty would like to know why you are calling him the "Brigadier" all of a sudden.

1419a. When on the Bridge, do not randomly turn around and shout, "Trelane, what are you doing here?"

1419b. And Captain Kirk would like your copy of the security feed that has his reaction to you saying that back. He knows you made copies. He _will _find them.

1420. Could you please tell us first when you challenge some local gang to a fight so we know _not_ to show up?

* * *

"Are these occurrences common to most Starships?" Sarn asked.

The other four looked at each other, and then back at their new Vulcan friend. "No," they said as one.

* * *

Right, Rules #1404a-1406 are by _Ender the Time Lady_, #1408a is from _Laveycee_, #1411 was thought up by _kirksgreenshirt_, !1414a-1414b are courtesy of _Ryder Bellamiren_, and #1415-1416 are from _bookdragon01_. Thank you!


	71. Chapter 71

Sorry, I got distracted by watching Crash Course Chemistry. And work. And Life. Any of you guys Nerdfighters?

Here's some Rules to end your day. Remember to review! DFTBA!

* * *

Ensign Billings smiled as she sat down. "Our table here is getting quite full!"

"I can leave, if there is not enough room," Sarn said.

"No, you stay sitting," said West. "Grant can get up if we run out of room."

"_Me_?!" O'Shea cried, his voice muffled by his mouthful of food.

"Why O'Shea?" Sarn asked.

"Oh Sarn, we're just joking around," Sorren sighed. "It's a human thing."

"Just like those Rules you keep on receiving?" Sarn asked.

"No, those are real," O'Shea replied, having swallowed. "Those are _very_ real."

* * *

1421. *Yes, some members of the crew enjoy eating that old cereal called "Trix". No, you do not need to slap the bowls out of their hands and scream "TRIX ARE FOR KIDS!"

1422. *You are not an alchemist.

1423a. *You are not a character from that old anime, Detergent or Bleah or whatever. Put down that huge-arse sword and take off the freaky masks.

1423b. *What is with us and our fascination with the 20th and early 21st centuries?

1423c. *We may never know…

1424a.*Stop yelling "Spaaaaaaace" whenever you are around the Bridge crew. They don't get it.

1424b. Or anyone else, for that matter.

1425. The _Enterprise_ does not count as a "bigger gun than yours" in an argument due to inefficiency to deal with small-scale confrontations.

1426. Wooden shoes are not part of the standard uniform.

1427. Even if they are painted black.

1428. Lt. Com. Giotto would like all of the music recording equipment out of the Brig.

1429. The Brig is not to be used as a music recording studio. Not to mention the acoustics are really bad.

1430a. *Security is not the Night's Watch, and the Lt. Com. Giotto is not its "Lord Commander". However, he can arrange for the next person to call him that to keep watch on Delta Vega.

1430b. Either planet by the name Delta Vega.

1431. *Attention to whoever's responsible for leaving a box of kittens in Spock's quarters, he requests that you please come and claim them. Yes, he likes cats, but they are tearing up his furniture and he has no intention of keeping a pet onboard, let alone _eight_ of them.

1432. Stop telling Chekov and the other younger members of the crew that "Zagreus" will eat them when they're sleeping. There is no such thing, and Captain Kirk is slightly alarmed that some of his crew is that gullible.

1433. Stop giving Mr. Spock finger paints.

1434a. The point of a manhunt is to find the guy _alive_. Phasers are to be set to stun and are the only weapons you need to bring. Knives, arrows, clubs, and anything else are unnecessary.

1434b. That kid was dangerous, nobody was going to be the idiot who forgot a second weapon.

1435. *Stop trying to build working "Transformers" like the ones in that old cartoon you found.

1436. If you flood some part of the ship, you are automatically on the clean-up crew.

1437. If you value your health, do not call Dr. McCoy "Len", "Lenny", "Lenster", "Leo", or any variation of his first name unless you are an old friend or are really, _really _drunk. However, being drunk is not much of an excuse.

1438. *Please be careful with human sayings around aliens. The last time somebody said "everything but the kitchen sink", they took it seriously and got a kitchen sink. The chef is still angry about it.

1439. *Lt. Clara Oswald is banned from making soufflés. Thanks to her we are now suffering from a shortage of eggs and milk.

1440. When you are on watch, you do not need to sit on a watch. That's just stupid.

* * *

"Some of these seem common sense," Sarn observed.

"Yeah, but you would be surprised," Billings said. "As you have noticed, most of this crew is human. Common sense isn't our strong suit."

"But you have your moments," Sarn said. "Humans are so interesting!"

* * *

Right, Rule #1421-1423c are from _Ender the Time Lady_, #1424a is by _Plotbunnychariot_, #1430a is from _Bookdragon01_, #1431 was thought up by _IdrilPuck_, a mysterious _Guest_ gave us #1435, and _Trishata96_ came up with #1438-1439. Thank you!


	72. Chapter 72

Hey all! So, _Minecraft Guardiansaiyan_ had this cool idea, and here it is! I think others have tried this in other stories like this one, so this is my take. If anyone wants to get onboard this trans-universal Rules, drop a Review and/or a PM with ideas! That is, if you want another chapter with input from the Mirror-verse...

But don't forget to review anyways!

* * *

-O'Shea: Have any of you seen the recent Rules?

-Sarn: Yes. However this installment strikes me as quite odd.

-West: Odd? Someone showed them to McCoy and he nearly took their head off.

-O'Shea: McCoy knows about the Rules?

-Billings: Of course he does, you dolt. Scotty wasn't too pleased either.

-Sarn: Facinating.

-O'Shea: Oh no, he's been hanging around Spock too much!

-Sorren: Shut up, Grant. I have a feeling this has something to do with that ion storm. It scrambled numerous systems.

-Billings: You're telling me!

* * *

1441. You may not take naps in the Jefferies tubes. Doing so will result in punishment.

1442. Alliances do not work that way. Stop.

1443. You cannot buy and/or bribe your fellow crewmembers into a conspiracy with candy. No one is going to kill anybody else because you gave them a chocolate bar.

1444. No more fistfights on the Bridge. You don't want to know what the Captain will do to you.

1445a. *The Commander will find out who took his Jell-O cups, and when he does there will be ten lashings and no dinner.

1445b. *Couldn't we beg forgiveness and give them back instead?

1445c. *IT WAS YOU!

1446a. Whoa, hold up, nobody is giving anybody any _lashings_ for stealing Jell-O cups!

1446b. But that's standard procedure for food theft.

1446c. Since when?!

1446d. Since the beginning of the Terran Imperial Interstellar Navy.

1446e. The _what?_ Dude, this is Starfleet!

1446f… What?

1447. No one goes near Marlena. The Captain will "take care of you" if you do.

1448a. Lt. Uhura does bite.

1448b. Damn right I do! But only the (content edited) morons who deserve it.

1448c. Our Lt. Uhura does not bite!

1448d. Lucky...

1449a. Do not call Lt. Sulu "Scarface". He's head of Security for a reason.

1449b. Since when was Sulu in charge of Security?

1449c. He is in _our _universe, you (content edited).

1450. Do not call your alternate universal counterparts insulting names. They will take offence.

1451. No, we are not going into another universe because another you called you a name or something.

1452a. You are not allowed to cross over into another universe. It will cause massive confusion.

1452b. No duh, Sherlock.

1453. Stop trying to hire this universe's Pavel Chekov out to assassinate someone.

1454. Seconded. Our Chekov is getting tired of being blamed and punished for your actions.

1455. The agonizers are not toys, for the Emperor's sake!

1456. No stealing any Commander's Jell-O cups. In either universe.

1457a. No more posting Rules while there is an ion storm going on. It could result in the transmission becoming scrambled with a similar transmission from another universe. Doing so will result in severe punishment.

1457b. Seconded. Except for the severe punishment part.

1458a. Yes, there is a Mirror Universe to our own. No, you may not defect to it. Anyone who tries will be shot.

1458b. I don't think any of us want to go over there, so you don't have to worry about any of us.

1459.*No making Voodoo dolls of senior officers. They kind of freaked out the Captain.

1460a. *No locking Dr. McCoy and Mr. Spock in the conference room so they cane "settle their differences"

1460b. *We have video.

* * *

-Sorren: Spock likes Jell-O?

-O'Shea: Who doesn't?

-Sarn: Me.

-Billings: Me.

-West: As long as it's blue, I'm fine.

* * *

Short list today. Rule #1445a-c are from _Minecraft Guardiansaiyan_, and _TheSupremeRulesoftheSarkEmpire_ came up with #1459-1460b. What do you guys think? Should I do another one of these?

Bonus round: What do you think about this year's San Diego ComicCon? Just curious :P


	73. Chapter 73

Due to an overwhelming response to the last set of Rules, there will be a return of the Mirror Universe! Unfortunately, due to a lack of time and planning on my part, that return will not occur this week. Sorry.

But please do Review!

* * *

"Not a fan of the water, Sarn?"

Sarn looked up as Arti West sat down next to him. "Although I know how to swim from my training as a member of Starfleet, there are few regions on Vulcan where one can find vast quantities of water. I live far from any of those regions." He nodded slowly. "So I suppose one could say I am "not a fan" of water."

"Don't let Grant hear you say that," West laughed. "He'll call you a 'cat'."

"I find it interesting that calling people by something other than their given name can be either friendly or hostile in Human culture," Sarn said.

"It depends on the context," West replied. She watched as Sarn pulled out his PADD. "You _brought_ that?"

"I have several reports I must finish, despite the Shore Leave," Sarn replied. "Also, it seems I am now on the mailing list for these so-called Rules."

* * *

1461. We have no idea what you are talking about.

1462. We are not allowed to stop at the nearest shopping center so you can pick up your pre-ordered gaming console.

1463. *Do not say "Watch out, here come the space cops" when the ship is being inspected at a space-dock. It makes Scotty nervous and is just begging for them to find some fault with us.

1464a. *You are not allowed to wear tails on the back of your uniforms.

1464b. *M'Ress is allowed!

1464c. *She's a Catatian, idiot! She was born with it!

1464d. *Really? So, it's attached to her body? And moves?

1464e. …I'm done with this conversation.

1465. Sulu would like all of the turtles out of his quarters.

1466a. *The person that stole Captain Kirk's chicken lunch is looking forward to Gamma shift for the next month. You know who you are.

1466b. *Also, give Spock his lunch back as well.

1467. *And do not try to steal Dr. McCoy's lunch. He is more grumpier than usual when he is hungry.

1468. Do not refer to Commodore Wesley as the "Dread Pirate Roberts" to his face. That is his first name, he most likely out ranks you, and it's childish.

1469. Don't call him the "Dread Pirate Wesley" either. That sounds even more stupid.

1470. *Do not yell "Have fun Stormin' the castle!" after the landing parties when they beam down. The Captain doesn't like it.

1471a. *Salt, iron, and holy water are not effective weapons, please do not put them in the arsenal.

1471b. *I'm just going to say that if something follows back into this tin can, you'll be thanking me.

1472. *The intersecting corridors on the _Enterprise_ are not crossroads. Please stop lining them with salt.

1473. Do not call the _Enterprise_ a "tin can", even in this List. Mr. Scott will be pissed off and will hunt you down.

1474. Time travel is not to be used for "antiquing".

1475. *The proper response to an order is "Aye", not "Hodor".

1476. *We are on a Starship with a constant, regulated environment. Stop saying "Winter is coming".

1477. *The Klingons will not turn into Sontarans one day.

1478. You can hold flea markets only once a month and only in Cargo Bay 3.

1479. *Okay, who is trying to convince Uhura that Spock likes her? And vice versa?

1480. *Do not take the Captain's Chair from the Bridge.

1480b. *We don't know how you did that, but Captain Kirk is threatening to hold the coffee hostage again until you put it back.

* * *

West shook her head. "We might not want to tell Grant about that last one either."

"Tell me what?"

Arti let out a small squeak of surprise as Grant O'Shea appeared behind her and Sarn. Sarn let out a noise of distinct dissatisfaction as O'Shea dumped a rather large quantity of water on his head.

Kyle, Fiona, and Arti all sided with Sarn and later shoved Grant into the lake fully clothed. Sarn decided that sometimes having humans for friends was a good thing.

* * *

Rule #1463 is from _Plotbunny Chariot_, #1464a-d are from_ BloodLily16_, #1466a-#1467 are from _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, _EmraldGarmadon_ came up with #1470, _TaleHeart _gave us #1471a-1472, #1475-1476 are by _Bookdragon01_, _Laveycee_ gave us #1477, #1479 is by _Trishata96_, and #1480a-b are courtesy of _TheSupremeRuleroftheSarkEmpire_. Thank you!


	74. Chapter 74

Greetings to all! I know, it's late, and not Monday in most of the world, but I had a long day, and I'm "looking forward to" an even longer week :/

Holy... Guys, you did it! 1000 Reviews! One Thousand Reviews! I didn't even notice when that was passed! THANK YOU! Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck around and took the time to Review! Hugs all around! I'd offer champagne or something, but I'm not old enough (yet) and stuff. You guys are awesome! DFTBA!

* * *

Lt. West was not a fan of the late "night" shifts. Though there was no formal night and day times on the _Enterprise_ (since they were in space and all), the crew's schedule was based on the standard 25 hour day (the average orbital period of most of the planets in the Federation) and as such the ship became very quiet from 2100-0500 hours.

Sickbay was one of the quietest places on the ship, except when Dr. McCoy ended up spending the night in his office. He had a tendency to snore. Loudly.

So it was little surprise that Lt. West levitated three feet out of her chair and landed on the floor when someone said her name.

"Kyle? What the heck?" she hissed.

"Sorry Arti," Kyle Sorren replied. "I was working late on a project and knew you would still be up so I decided to visit. I brought hot cocoa."

West blinked. "In proper mugs, I see."

"Of course."

The two spent the next hour sipping hot cocoa and watching an ancient movie about a man who used a rocket pack to fly and ended up becoming a hero and saving the girl and all that stuff. Every once in a while, Arti made her rounds, and Kyle waited. It was near the end of the movie when Arti's PADD went off.

"Great now what...?" She frowned. "Well, apparently the Rule Makers are up late as well."

* * *

1481a. Starfleet knows it was someone (or someones) on this ship who inspired several figures in 20th century popular culture. So next time we go back to the 20th century, only authorized personnel will be allowed off this ship.

1481b. Don't complain, it's your own fault.

1482. Lt. Ferris Bluer does not need saving. He's the only Ferris onboard, and finds the "Save Ferris" signs kind of annoying.

1483. New Security personnel are not to be referred to as "Probee".

1484. *We are not going to make pit stops on random planets so you can look for a new game tile to replace the one that's missing.

1485a. *We are not hunting the Avatar.

1485b. *Oh come on, we've got a dude named Zuko on the ship!

1485c. *Rank, or it didn't happen.

1485d. *I don't remember and don't care enough to look it up.

1485e. *HONOR!

1485f. *Shut up, Zuko.

1485g. *Have you idiots heard of RULE #77A?!

1486. Stop calling Technician Zuko "Prince" Zuko. He doesn't mind, but it has caused some confusion among visitors.

1487a. *Twilight is not literature.

1487b. *Following that, vampires do not sparkle.

1487c. There shouldn't be any of those on this ship in the first place!

1488. *If you are going to have a fan war, do it on your own time.

1489. The Vulcans onboard would appreciate it if you would stop putting copies of works of art ranging from the Earth years 1860-1950 in their quarters. This includes Impressionism, Post-Impressionism, Futurism, Expressionism, Surrealism, Suprematism, and Dada in particular. They do not appreciate your attempts to inspire "imagination", especially with melting clocks and illogical use of color.

1490. *Carrots are not to be used as projectiles.

1491. *Stop firing frozen chickens at other ships. They are mighty ticked off at us for that.

1492. You may not put the coordinates "10-0-11-0-0 by 0-2 from Galactic Zero Centre" into the Navigational computer. It will confuse the computer because they are nonsensical coordinates and thus do not exist.

1493a. *Captain Kirk would like to remind that Lord Murphy, whoever he may be, is not in Starfleet's chain of command and therefore his Laws of Combat have no bearing on command decisions.

1493b. *However, upon reviewing Lord Murphy's Laws of Combat, the Captain has made it mandatory for the Security Team to familiarize themselves with the text.

1494a. *We are aware Coulson Lives. Stop putting up graffiti tags in the Mess that illustrate this point.

1494b *This also goes for "I believe in Sherlock Holmes", "Moriarty was Real", and Chinese characters in yellow paint.

1494c. *But it's true!

1494d. *I will kill…

1494e. *Please refer to Rule #77a.

1495. Yes, there are some differences in the spelling of words in many languages due to regional differences. If you start an all-out war on the proper spelling of said words the Captain will put you all on Gamma Shift.

1496. Okay, it's not Shark Week anymore. You can stop with all the shark stuff.

1497. *Who convinces Kirk that the Asari exist? He's now made it a priority mission to find this race of all female blue aliens.

1498. You are no longer allowed to order crates of camera film. It's heavy, takes up a lot of space, and causes funny looks from the shipping companies and Star-Base crews.

1499. *Mr. Spock does not need, nor does he have, a tattoo. Stop insisting he does.

1500. *No roaming the halls in Zombie makeup at night.

* * *

"Grant won't be happy in the morning about the midnight interruption," Kyle laughed.

"That'll teach him to have his PADD at full volume all the time," Arti agreed.

* * *

Right, backwards this time! Rule #1499-1500 are by _TheSupremeRuleroftheSarkEmpire_, #1497 is from _Trishata96_, #1494a-e is courtesy of _Ryder Bellamiren_, _Fyrwulf_ gave us #1493a-b, _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_ came up with #1490-1491,and _Ender the Time Lady_ wrote #1484-1485g, and #1487a-88. Thank you!

DFTBA = Don't Forget To Be Awesome


	75. Chapter 75

Sorry about the lack of an update last week. School started for me once again, so things were a bit hectic and I had no time to put something together. Thank you for being patient!

Please remember to review! And if you have any suggestions for Rules let me know! All are welcome!

* * *

"Sarn! Grant! Over here!" Fiona Billings waved her two friends over to the table where the rest of the gang were sitting.

"This isn't our usual spot," O'Shea said.

"That table was taken," Sorren answered.

"What are you working on, Sarn?" Arti West asked.

"A new translation interface," Sarn said.

O'Shea swallowed his bite of sandwich and said, "Well, your food is getting cold."

Sarn looked at his plate. "I have a salad..."

"Sarn, I think you need to learn the human custom of "lightening up"," Billings said. "Maybe the newest set of Rules will help with that."

* * *

1501. Rocket packs and jet packs are banned. You're engineers, yes, but explaining the scorch marks on the walls from your trials to the Inspectors is a headache for the Senior Officers.

1502a. *Whoever keeps stealing the peanuts from the Mess, please stop.

1502b. *My peanut…

1502c. Stop it. We mean it!

1502c. We will call Dr. McCoy!

1502e. That doesn't rhyme, boy…

1502f. I'm a woman, thank you very much!

1502g. Rule #77a! Go read it! All of you!

1503a. *Desist in "Find the Saltine" when we're on a mission. It makes us seem really immature to the planets asking to join the Federation.

1503b. *But those guys were totally into it!

1503c. *We don't care. And Rule #77a.

1504. *Never play "What is this feeling" when Spock and McCoy are arguing. The last guy ended up on a mission in a red shirt.

1505. *Captain Kirk has requested… well, more like _demanded_ that Engineering stop reprogramming the Computer to serenade him with "Last Friday Night" when he comes back from Shore Leave.

1506. Looking into a mirror and saying "You're damn right" over and over is kind of creepy and makes us question your sanity.

1507. You cannot write "No Kill I" on the walls anymore. It really bothers the Captain and Mr. Spock.

1508a. *Stop saying "fab" every time Lt. Jeffry Tracey asks you to do something. He doesn't get it.

1508b. *What? But Thunderbirds rock!

1508c. *Please refer to Rule #77a.

1509a. *Just because a crewmember shares someone's name doesn't mean they are like that person.

1509b. If that were true, we'd have several super heroes, mad scientists, paranormal experts, a wizard, and various other things.

1509c. Haven't we gone over this one already?

1509d. If we have, I'm just reiterating it.

1509e. Rule #77a.

1509f. Oh stop it!

1510a. You may not take a shift off because you are distraught over the loss of your Pokémon in a Nuzlock Challenge. It's a video game.

1510b. You don't understand the pain!

1511. *No, you may not paint racing stripes on the _Enterprise_.

1512. *Do not sneak into the Captain's Quarters and replace all of his clothes with tank tops and tutus.

1513. Stop giving Lt. Roxanne Morris red lights. She doesn't like it.

1514a. *If you could all stop using old memes, that would be great.

1514b. *I used to be a hypocrite like you. But then I took and arrow to the knee.

1514c. *Remember when these Rules were logical? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

1514d. *Over a thousand rules, and no ponies? That's an Academy record!

1514e. *This Rule is bad! You should feel bad!

1514f. *Hey do you want to talk about Hoooooomestuck?

1514g. *That's it! I quit!

1515a. The Official List of Unofficial Rules has a job opening! All applications go to Lt. Com. Giotto!

1515b. OH NO YOU DON'T! If one of those applications, just _one_, shows up on my desk you will all regret it! I know who each of you are!

1515c. Never mind…

1515d. Sorry sir…

1515e. Wait, how does he know all of us?!

1515f. He's head of Security, it's his _job_ to know you dolt!

1516. *Do not yell "Innocence Activate!" when charging your phaser. It has been established that yelling when using your phaser makes you look like an idiot.

1517. Okay, who introduced Sulu to Tumblr? Do you have any idea how much of a bad idea that was?

1518. You must wear your uniform shirt while on an away mission, even if it is red.

1519. *Stop trying to recreate tickers. They do explode, and Engineering stated that they will not clean up the mess that the tickers make.

1520. Engineering is not to be used as a location for an art show.

* * *

"I find it hard to believe that most of these are serious," Sarn said.

"The majority of this crew are humans, Sarn," Sorren told him. "It's not outside the realm of possibility."

"Poor Rule #77a guy," O'Shea sighed. "I kind of liked him."

"I think he'll be back," Billings said.

"Agreed," West added.

* * *

Right, Rule #1502a-b and 1503a-c are from _Ryder Bellamiren,_ #1504-1505 are by _ -SchnTgai_, #1508a-1509a are courtesy of _SweenyGirl310593_, _TheSupremeRuleroftheSarkEmpire_ graciously gave us #1511-1512, _Ender the Time Lady _thought up #1514a-g, #1516 is from _TaleHeart_, and #1519 is by _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_. Thank you!


	76. Chapter 76

Hey all! You know the deal: read, laugh, review. All ideas are considered, the majority will become Rules.

So please enjoy and review! Even if it's just to say hello.

* * *

"That is an invalid move."

Grant O'Shea growled from frustration. Sarn was attempting to teach him how to play 3-D chess, and Grant was having a hard time at grasping the concepts. He picked up his knight and started to move it when Sarn stopped him.

"Your knight cannot move to the second level either," Sarn said.

"Chess was hard enough with one level," O'Shea mumbled. "This is ridiculous!" He reached for his rook, shooting Sarn an inquisitive glance. The Vulcan nodded, and Grant proceeded to move his piece.

Fiona, Arti, and Kyle watched in silence for the next few minutes. The tension in the air was shattered as two PADDs let out loud chirps.

"Time out!" Grant cried. He scooped up his PADD and opened the new message.

* * *

1521. *Do not rip a hole in the space/time continuum just to get your mirror self to take your place during your shift. It's a bad idea all around.

1522. The Mirror Universe is not to be opened. If anyone needs reminding of what happened last time, Mr. Spock will be more than happy to fill you in; in great detail.

1523. *Dr. McCoy would like that bottle of bourbon you "borrowed" back now. If he doesn't get his bourbon back, he has stated that he would give every crewmember a physical until he gets it back.

1524. *aND FOR THE LOVE OF THE ALMIGHTY WHOEVER TOOK MY (content edited) rOMULAN ALE (content edited) RETURN IT! oR PHYSICALS FOR EVERYBODY! lONG UNCOFORTABLE PHYSICALS WITH HYPOS! yOU HAVE 30 MINUTES TO FESS UP BEFORE i START!

1525. You may not use Romulan ale as an excuse every time. You could get in more trouble for saying so than just admitting you screwed up.

1526. Despite what it might seem like, this crew does not have an alcohol problem. You do not need to sign us all up for AA classes.

1527. Check your units. Always check your units.

1528a. *Stop adding "of Rassilon" to the end of words.

1528b. Thus there is no "Chair of Rassilon", "Replicator of Rassilon", "Phaser of Rassilon", "Room of Rassilon", or "Coffee of Rassilon.

1528c. *And the _Enterprise_ is certainly _not_ the "Ship of Rassilon".

1528b. *And this list is _not_ the "List of Rassilon".

1529. *You may not play "the Game of Rassilon". That is a horrible idea.

1530. *You are not currently playing the "Game of Rassilon" and claim you are speaking in the "Voice of Rassilon".

1531a. *There is no "Ring of Rassilon" for the winner of the "Game of Rassilon".

1531b. Yeah, the ring was a plastic party favor anyways. No way it could grant immortality.

1532. *Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters are hereby banned.

1533. No pressing random buttons just for the fun of it.

1534a. *Don't bring up and "In Soviet Russia" jokes around Chekov.

1534b. He really doesn't like it when you imply he is a Soviet.

1535. *No switching the main view screen to "The Sound of Music". Chekov has been singing in his sleep. Really loudly and off key.

1536. *Stop beaming girls in French maid outfits into the Captain's quarters. Even if they are actually maids and not, you know, not actually maids.

1537. Materializing and dropping objects on peoples' heads do not count as "transporter accuracy tests".

1538. No asking our Vulcan crewmembers to babysit your pet rock.

1539. The Engineers and maintenance crews request that everyone takes better care of the equipment on this ship, because they're getting tired of fixing the same things and problems over and over again.

1540. Captain Kirk is not to be called "Captain Over".

* * *

Ten minutes later, Sarn leaned back in his chair. "I yield."

Grant blinked. "Wait, what?"

"You have me at checkmate," Sarn said.

Grant's cry of delight alerted everyone in the Rec. Room of what had happened.

"Okay, Sarn, time to teach you Orion poker," Arti said.

* * *

Right, Rule #1521 is from _Sonar_, #1523 is by _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, #1524 was thought up by _Mrs. NessaroseHolmes-SchnTgai_, #1528a-1531a are by _Clockwork Rebel_, _Book girl fan_ gave us #1532, _HPGreen934_ came up with #1534a, and _sTbm77_ wrote #1535-1536. Thank you!


	77. Chapter 77

Hey all! Sorry for the late post! Please remember to review afterwards, I make an effort to read and reply to every review! Any and all suggestions welcome.

DFBTA!

* * *

The table in the back corner of Rec. Room 4 was unusually quiet. Finally, Grant O'Shea slammed his fist on the table. "Dang it, you guys, there has to be _something_ to talk about!"

"Grant, nothing is going on!" Billings rolled her eyes. "We're still a day out from our destination."

"But I mean, c'mon!" Grant cried. "We're on a _Starship!_ There must be something going on, some gossip, some breakups, some hookups, c'mon!"

"Since when were you into gossip?" Kyle asked.

"I've had my fill of gossip," Arti said. "Sickbay is full of it."

"Indeed, it is surprising how many communications channels have irrelevant messages and conversations going on," Sarn added. "Though I have noticed that the _Enterprise_ is the subject of a lot of conversation lately, especially..."

"Sarn, hold that thought!" Billings slid her PADD over to O'Shea. "Here's something to keep you occupied for the moment, Grant."

* * *

1541a. *You may not "pimp out" the Bridge

1541b. *Or Sickbay

1541c. *Or the Science Labs.

1541d. *Or the Captain's Quarters.

1541e. *Just don't "pimp out" anything, okay?

1542.*There is no one named Wesley Crusher onboard. As such, stop ranting about how much you hate him.

1543. *You may not end your shift by screaming, "MASTER HAS GIVEN DOBBY A SOCK! DOBBY IS FREE!" Nobody on this ship is named Dobby, and nobody gave you a freaking sock.

1544a. We don't freaking know what the fox says! Stop asking!

1544b. Someone found an old video again, didn't they?

1544c. Yes…

1545. There is no such thing as "Pokerus", and thus you cannot catch it. Dr. McCoy is still slightly ticked off because of people claiming to have come down with cases of "Pokerus".

1546. Just because something blew a hole in a bulkhead wall does not mean you make take the opportunity to install a fish tank.

1547.*The ladies of the _Enterprise_ have requested that the Computer be reprogrammed so that it no longer plays "Lovely Ladies" at an on the hour interval.

1548. *"A Sentimental Man" is not to be played when Spock walks onto the Bridge.

1549. *"Shoot to Thrill" is NOT Security's theme song! EVER!

1550. *You are not to play "The Struggle Within" whenever Ambassador Sarek comments on his son's work choice. We have video proof to demonstrate why.

1551. No smoking anywhere or anything on this ship. You should know this.

1552. We are not turning this ship around just because you forgot to pick up your dry cleaning.

1553. *The word "Bazinga" is not to be used on this ship. It stopped being funny a long time ago.

1554. *Do not refer to Mr. Spock as "Sheldon".

1555a. *Do not try and start a Host Club in the abandoned storage room on Deck 6.

1555b. *Do not try and get the Captain, First Officer, CMO, Chief Engineer, and Chekov to join said Host Club.

1556. *If someone has OCD about symmetry, please do not provoke them. Especially about their uneven hair.

1557. *Stop calling Mr. Spock "Ferb". His hair is not green, it's just his blood, okay?

1558a. *Do not throw plush swords at fellow crew members and demand a duel in the corridors.

1558b. *This also applies to doing that and screaming "Mutiny!"

1559. *No, Tribbles are not Pygmy Puffs. Where'd you get that idea?

1560. You cannot set your phaser to "LOL". They don't have that setting.

* * *

"Sarn, what are people saying about this ship now?" Sorren asked.

"It is not the ship, exactly, but our Captain," Sarn replied. "I have heard talk that Starfleet is considering him for a promotion to Admiral."

"Say what?!" was the general response to the bombshell.

"Man am I out of the loop," West mumbled.

* * *

Right, Rule #1541a-e is by _TheSupremeRuleroftheSarkEmp__ire_, #1542-43 are by _Ender the Time Lady_, #1547-1550 are from _Mrs. NessaroseHolmes-SchnTgai_, _Half-Finished Fics_ came up with #1553-54, _TaleHeart_ gave us #1555a-56_, _and #1557-1559 are by _sTbm77_. Thank you!


	78. Chapter 78

Sorry! Sorry, I've been really busy the last few days and I'm a bit behind on these Rules. But like many of you, the Rules are a great way for me to distress when it comes to school work.

Remember to review, suggestions are always welcome. If you haven't seen yours yet, I'm getting to it! Promise!

* * *

"Grant, what is that leather object you have next to you?" Sarn asked.

"It's a baseball glove," Sorren answered, as O'Shea had just taken a large bite from his sandwich.

"Baseball," Sarn said. "That is an ancient Earth sport, correct?"

"Yeah," West said. "You ever play at the Academy?"

"No, however I found the mathematics of the game most interesting," Sarn replied. "Several cadets would play outside my dorm window in the fall and spring."

"Well, like all games, baseball has its rules," O'Shea said. "As does this ship…"

* * *

1561a. *While Engineer Strife does, in fact, own a sword (foil, whatever), it would not be wise to challenge him to any sort of combat. And do not compare his hair to that of some bird's feathers.

1561b. *Dr. McCoy would really appreciate it if you didn't do that last bit.

1562. *Do not call Captain Kirk "Captain Jack Harkness".

1563. *Please stop writing 42-42-564 on all the mirrors. Maintenance is getting really ticked off at how much of a pain it is to clean it all off.

1564. *You are not allowed to replace Security's phasers with antiquated weapons.

1565. Stop telling the new guys that they'll get a "spoonful of sugar" if they are cooperative during medical exams or if they get a hypo.

1566. The transporters are not to be used in games of "Keep Away".

1567. No hanging stuff from the ceilings. Especially people.

1568. If you are stuck to a ceiling, you may not drop plastic bugs onto people below you. It will take longer to get you down.

1569. *Communication officers are no longer allowed to play the song "Telephone" when Starfleet calls us.

1570. *No exchanging tribbles in order to learn curses in alien languages.

1571. *When you see a large, destructive object flying toward you, don't run towards it.

1572. *Do not modify the computer voice so that it promises cake after the next test.

1573. No throwing eggs at enemy ships.

1574. Tuxedoes are not proper shift attire. You need a very good reason to wear them.

1575a. Next time you bring back a shell from your shore leave at the beach, make sure it's empty.

1575b. But it was empty!

1575c. Sure it was…

1576. No playing "We're Off to See the Wizard" over the loudspeakers when Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are heading for the transporter room.

1577. Loss of gravity does not mean you can glue furniture to the ceiling.

1578a. Khan cannot be your pen pal.

1578b. Nor can any of his people.

1579. Why are you telling all of us to hail a "Glow Cloud"?

1580. WE ARE NOT GETTING A PUPPY!

* * *

"I know!" O'Shea said. "We'll find you a glove, Sarn, and toss a ball around down in cargo bay 3 later."

"This I want to see." Billings smiled.

"A Vulcan playing baseball?" West giggled. "I'm in!"

* * *

Right, Rule #1561a-b is by _Ryder Bellamiren_, #1562-63 are from _TaleHeart_, #1564 was thought up by _twindaughterofArtemis_, _KlaineLuneville_ gave us #1569, _sTbm77_ came up with #1570, #1571 is by _ -SchnTgai_, and #1572 is from _Half-Finished Fics_. Thank you!


	79. Chapter 79

Okay, so it's been… a month. Long story short, I had midterms, and then _they just didn't stop_. Between school and other stuff, I've had little time to work on the List, and you'd be surprised how time intensive this thing is! But I've missed you, my Readers, I apologize for my absence.

So please review when you finish reading!

* * *

The doors to Rec. Room 4, allowing the babble of voices to spill out into the corridor. Billings and Sarn made their way over to the replicators to pick up some food, soup for Fiona and a salad for Sarn, before picking their way to the back table.

"What's got everyone talking?" Billings asked.

"The new Rules just came out," O'Shea said excitedly. "And you won't believe what's in them!"

Sorren handed his PADD over so that Billings and Sarn could read the message.

* * *

1581a. *If you see or smell an excess of sulphur, please contact Lt. Ian P. Freely.

1581b. *There is no Lt. Ian P. Freely on this ship!

1581c. *Seriously? But he was just here…

1582. Please stop taking the petunias from the botany labs and beaming them into space while we are in orbit around a planet.

1583a. No side jobs. It's your fault that you lost your last paycheck in a poker game.

1583b. It wasn't a poker game!

1583c. That was an example.

1584a. *Never use "being a victim of grand theft auto" as an excuse for being late for your shift. We all know you don't need a car to get to your station.

1584b. And those go-cart things the engineers built don't count.

1585. *Hypnotizing crew members without their consent is no longer permitted.

1586. *We don't care how old someone is turning on their birthday, if it sets off the fire suppression system and/or alarms there are too many candles!

1587. *You may not put a bees' nest in engineering, and the one that is there now must come out.

1588a. *Stop shaking trees and assuming that bells are going to fall out.

1588b. *And how'd you manage to plant a tree in the middle of the hallway?

1588c. *Don't shake the tree, a bee hive will fall out.

1588d. *I shook the tree and a chair fell out.

1588e. *How'd a chair get up there?

1588f. *Maybe it's a special tree that grows furniture.

1588g. *Don't be stupid!

1588h. *Would you all stop talking about Animal Crossing, it's getting really annoying!

1589. *A lunch break is the amount of time we are allowed for lunch, _not _the amount of time it actually takes to eat your lunch.

1590. Just because Dr. McCoy's handwriting is not illegible doesn't mean you can say he "isn't a real doctor".

1591. Stop calling Chekov "Sam". He may have a similar hair cut to a character in a paranormal early 21st-century TV series, but he finds it annoying.

1592. *Stop playing "I knew you were Trouble when you Warped in" over the intercom every time an enemy ship shows up.

1593a. *Do not try and convert Klingons to Game of Thrones. You will have to explain why they've taken up the cry of Fire and Blood to Starfleet.

1593b. No, it is not an example of cultural sharing and understanding. You cannot use that as an excuse.

1594. Stop decorating Captain Kirk's chair with plastic swords.

1595. Stop sticking people to the walls with signs saying they are the "watcher on the wall".

1596. *Ensign Andrew Wiggin does not appreciate being called "Ender".

1597. *Please pronounce "idiots" correctly. Mr. Spock is tempted to give a lecture on how "idjits" is not a word.

1598a. Threatening to make Mr. Spock give people lectures is now a legitimate punishment.

1598b. Say what?!

1598c. The Captain okayed it.

1599a. *Whoever keeps putting those posters in the hall to advocate safe sex, please, just stop.

1599b. He means the annoying ones!

1599c. *Wrap it before you tap it!

1599d. *Don't be silly, cover your willy!

1599e. *I know it's been a while, but does nobody remember the existence of Rule #77a but me?

1599f. *77A GUY! HE LIIIIIIVES!

1600. Stop randomly yelling "The Nimon be praised!" It's rather distracting.

* * *

"Told you he'd be back!" O'Shea cried.

"Actually, I believe it was Fiona who stated he would return," Sarn replied.

"Doesn't matter," West chimed in. "All that matters is that he, or she, is back."

"The Rules are back to normal!" Sorren laughed.

* * *

Okay, Rule #1581a-c are from _TaleHeart_, #1584a, #1585-1587 are from _esp_, #1588a-1589 are by _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, a mysterious _Guest _came up with #1592, _ReniStar_ thought up #1593a, #1596 is by _twindaughterofArtemis_, #1597 is from _Trishata96_, and _Ender the Time Lady_ gave us #1599a-f. Thank you!


	80. Chapter 80

Hey all! How are you? I could be better, but could be worse too. I've got two weeks left before my break, my very looooong break. Anybody have some TV shows they recommend I try and watch?

Anyways, remember to review!

* * *

It was a lively day in Rec Room 4. The Deck Five Band was practicing in the corner, debates on new programs, pop culture, sports, and various other topics were being held around the room, replicators were producing food, and in the back corner three humans and a Vulcan waited for the fifth member of their group to show up.

"I wonder where she is," Sorren said. "It's not like Fiona to be late for lunch.

"Maybe something came up," O'Shea suggested. "I mean Engineering is held together by a prayer and duct tape at this point."

"I did not see any duct tape when I visited Engineering yesterday," Sarn said.

"I thought we gave you lessons on jokes and sarcasm," O'Shea replied.

Suddenly two gold braids appeared on the table. The four looked up at the grinning woman in engineer red. "Guess who got a promotion!"

"Fiona, that's wonderful!" West cried. She jumped up and hugged Billings, and was soon followed by Sorren and O'Shea. Sarn watched with the Vulcan equivalent of approval. He was the first one to notice a PADD going off.

* * *

1601. You are not a turtle, and pulling your shirt over your head when a senior officer passes by makes you look childish.

1602. Why are there birds in Cargo Bay 3?

1603a. *There is no _Enterprise_ quiddich team called the "Space Snitches".

1603b. *I thought we decided on the Starfleet Firebolts!

1603c. *No, it was KA: Kirk's Army.

1603d.* Rule#77a please!

1604. *Stop trying to play "Truth or Dare" with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. Spock won't get it, Kirk won't answer the questions, and McCoy will just get ticked off at you for bothering him.

1605. *If Captain Kirk (or anybody) pranks Dr. McCoy, stay out of the way because all hell is about to break loose.

1606. *No TP-ing engineering. Scotty was not amused.

1607. *No short sheeting beds, especially those belonging to senior officers.

1608. Look, this isn't a musical, okay? We're not going to burst out into random song and dance.

1609. Sports team rivalries are to be argued while off duty.

1610. *No showing off your wrestling moves around breakable objects.

1611. *While we appreciate your creativity, you cannot bribe Klingons/Romulans/any bad guys with cookies. They will just try and kidnap you for more cookies.

1612. No piñatas on the Bridge.

1613a. No, we cannot replace Dr. McCoy with "Hawkeye" Pearce from M*A*S*H, stop asking.

1613b. *How about Alan Alda then?

1613c. *They're the same person, you dolt!

1613d. *Well, he wouldn't be as grumpy as Dr. McCoy…

1613e. *HEY!

1614. *Please do not dress up as Klingons, sneak into somebody's quarters, and wake them up. Needless to say, it's scary.

1615. *_**Do Not**_ get the Compute Techs mad at you. You don't want to know what they can do to you…

1616. "Nope" is not the appropriate response when a senior officer tells you to do something.

1617. *Enough with the joke about Starships and toilet paper and what they have in common. It was funny the first time, not so much the other twenty times…

1618. Thank you for the crates full of duct tape, but please don't order that much duct tape again.

1619a. *Stop opening every communication with "Welcome to Night Vale".

1619b. *Following that, stop saying "And now, the weather" and then playing some obscure music.

1620. Chekov does not appreciate your attempts to give him a haircut.

* * *

It took a few minutes for the humans at the table to calm down. Sarn extended his hand across the table towards Fiona.

"I believe it is a human tradition to give a handshake to convey congratulations," he said when Billings gave him a questioning look.

Billings grinned and took Sarn's hand. "Thanks, Sarn, it means a lot."

* * *

Okay, Rule #1603a-d is by _Magi_, #1604 is from _IloveJackFrost_, #1605 is by _SoulAlchemist9310_, _esp_ gave us #1606-07, _Sonar_ came up with #1610, #1611 is by _Trishata96_, #1613a-e are by _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, _Starship T.A.R.D.I.S_ came up with #1614-15, #1617 is from _OroborosDragon_, and #1619a-b is by _Ender the Time Lady_. Thank you!


	81. Chapter 81

Yo! Okay, so I'm a few days late, but I'm on break now! I am now at home, on the couch.

Anyways, please enjoy the Rules! Remember to Review! Happy Holidays!

* * *

"What's with Grant?" Sorren asked.

They all watched Grant O'Shea. Grant O'Shea watched the screen of his PADD.

"I believe he found some form of old Earth form of entertainment," Sarn said. "He discovered it the other day and showed it to me." He shook his head. "I really do not understand you humans sometimes."

"No worries," West replied. "We don't understand us sometimes either."

"Aw c'mon!" O'Shea cried as he pulled the ear-phones out. "It was getting to the good part!"

"What happened?"

"The Rules."

* * *

1621. *Phasers can be used to light fires, however not while you are onboard.

1622a. *Stop hacking the food processors to produce toothpaste filled cookies.

1622b. *Same with toothpaste filled cupcakes.

1622c. *And muffins.

1622d. *And donuts.

1622d. *And brownies. For crying out loud people…!

1622e. *Next time someone hacks the food processors to make toothpaste filled anything, they're on gamma shift.

1623. Who put _Khan_ on the Secret Santa list?!

1624a. *Don't bring dragons into the Shuttle Bay.

1624b. *But where else do we keep them?

1624c. *Don't bring them onboard!

1624d. *But we couldn't see them in the petting zoo, so what else do we do? Not have dragons?

1624e. *Yes!

1625a. Next time something goes missing, you are allowed to use it as an excuse to hold a ship-wide "whodunit" investigation. Giotto was not impressed.

1625b. Probably because he was questioned. Twice.

1626. Do not question Lt. Com. Giotto twice in your investigations.

1627. *If there is a meteor shower, you are not allowed to run around screaming, "the Angels have fallen! The Angels have fallen!"

1628. *Those involved in last week's incident are to report to Captain Kirk and explain why they attacked the Ambassador with the yellow eyes with salt.

1629a. What is with all the 1960s London police boxes?! It was funny once, but there's thirteen of them now…

1629b. The guy by the one on Deck 4 has candy!

1629c. Spock is having an intense scientific debate with the guy on Deck 3.

1629d. Look, if you arrived in a blue box and are somehow reading this, could you please return to your respective blue box and get off this ship?

1629e. Well there's no need to be _rude_ about it.

1629f. How'd you get onto this forum?!

1629g. Does it matter? I'd just like to remind me not to give a certain Scotsman my sonic screwdriver, and that he will try and steal it.

1629h. You just remembered that? Look, he's somewhere on Deck 7…

1629i. Panic over, I got your stupid screwdriver. Meet me at turbo lift 3 and the rest of you leave!

1629j. It is not stupid! It's sonic!

1630. *Do not quote geeky stuff in an Indian accent. Nobody gets it and our Indian crew members are getting annoyed with you.

1631. Breadcrumbs are not standard Away Mission equipment.

1632. Stop calling Dr. McCoy "Miracle McCoy". It's making his ego grow larger than normal.

1633. *"It's a device to make you ask stupid questions. I see it worked well." Is never an appropriate answer when asked what you are doing.

1634a. *Welcome to Night Vale is not mandatory listening for the crew and stop convincing the newbies that the black hooded figure is real.

1634b. *Do not start a "Welcome to the _Enterprise_" radio show in the same vein, even if it's really good and you sound like Cecil.

1635. The fact that your Neopets are dying is not an excuse for being late to your shift.

1636. *Do _**not**_ send Trelane a Christmas card. It will end badly.

1637. *Do **not** sing "The Warp Drive on the Starship". We don't care how bored you are.

1638a. *Enough with the elevator music in the turbo lifts.

1638b. And if you wanted your speakers back, Scotty smashed them.

1639. *Stop knighting people with Sulu's foils. This is making him mad. And that's not what you're supposed to do with them.

1640. No nail polish in Engineering.

* * *

"Now give it back!" O'Shea moaned. "It was getting to the good part!"

"Stop whining," Billings sighed, and handed the PADD back.

* * *

Starting from the bottom! Rules #1639-1636 are by _Starship T.A.R.D.I.S_, #1634a-b is by _ReniStar_, _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_ came up with #1633, _Captain Sky Bear_ gave us #1630, #1627-28 are by _Trishata96_, #1624a-e are from _Zenara the Dragon_, _esp_ gave us #1622a-e, and _Sonar _gave us #1621. Thank you!


	82. Chapter 82

I'm back! Happy New Year everyone! Sorry I'm late, I've been trying to do other productive things. Anyway, here are some more Rules you shouldn't break if you're ever on the Starship _Enterprise_. Have fun, and remember to review! Thank you!

* * *

Arti West held out a napkin. "Grant, you're drooling."

The rest of the group – except for Sarn – giggled as O'Shea sheepishly took the napkin. "Who can blame me?" he asked. "Whatever Fi is cooking there smells _good_!"

"It's fried rice," Billings replied.

The five friends were enjoying some well-deserved shore leave and a well-deserved picnic dinner. Fiona Billings was finishing up her rice dish over the fire while the others waited. They had already set up the other dishes, and Sarn was rationing out his thermos of spice tea after discovering Sorren had a taste for it.

"I got a message!" Sorren cried. "How about some Rules for an appetizer?"

* * *

1641a. *Captain Kirk is not "Duke".

1641b. *Lt. Uhura is not "Scarlett".

1641c. *Mr. Spock is not "Snakeyes", nor is he a ninja.

1641d. *Dr. McCoy is not "Lifeline".

1641e. *We are not G.I. Joes!

1642a. *The Klingons are not Cobra, they're insulted that you think they are so cowardly.

1642b. *Wait, how'd they know G.I. Joe?

1642c. *Apparently some of the old TV radio waves made it to Klingon space, including the 1980s cartoon.

1642d. *No wonder they hate us…

1643. *The next person that plays "What Does the Fox Say" is going to be thrown to the foxes.

1644a. *It's called New _Years_ Eve, not New Beer's Eve.

1644b. *What, it's technically the same thing!

1644c. No.

1645. *Do not ask the Captain to play Santa Clause, especially if you tell him he doesn't need any pillow to stuff the waist of the suit.

1646. *Why are we supposed to remember the Fifth of November?

1647. Nobody is getting Mr. Spock a cat. That is not a happening thing.

1648. There is nothing on our backs!

1649. You are prohibited from blowing a hole in the space-time continuum.

1650. *The next person who reprograms the fire repression system to start the sprinklers whenever someone says something about things couldn't get any worse will regret their actions.

1651a. *Stop playing tackle football in the corridors.

1651b. *And regardless of where you are playing, never tackle Mr. Spock.

1652a. *Yes there is a communications officer named Cecil Baldwin. Yes, there is a science officer named Carlos. Yes, they are a couple. _Get over it_.

1652b. *Science officer Carlos would like to add that he wants people to stop fondling his hair and gushing over him, it's getting really weird.

1653. Hiding people's, erm, alcohol (which isn't really alcohol because real alcohol isn't allowed) is a bad idea. Said people would like it back.

1654. No more reprogramming the replicator recipes.

1655. *Do not ask Scotty to be your sensei. He is not a drunken Kung-Fu master.

1656. Yes, Lt. Corris has scales. No, he is not a dragon.

1657. *Please stop feeding those tiny dragons someone genetically engineered. They're like scaly tribbles, and they burn things.

1658. You may not use the main view screen to check your Tumblr account.

1659. *For goodness sakes, no playing chicken with other starships!

1660. *No more playing the song "Niña Bonita" when Kirk and Spock walk into a room together. Kirk had Uhura translate the song. He is not impressed.

* * *

"Dinner's ready!" Billings called out. She turned around to find three eager plates waiting to be filled.

"Could you pass the salad?" Sarn asked.

* * *

Right, Rule #1641a-1642d are from _ReniStar_, #1643-1644b are by _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_, #1645 is by _Snorty1_, #1646 is from _Wolfy The Tea Loffer_, _esp _gave us #1650-1651b, _Ender the Time Lady_ came up with #1652a-b, #1655 was thought up by _c-wolf_, #1657 is by _Zenara the Dragon_, #1659 is by _Xanabell_, and #1660 came from _Lovesbugsalot_. Thank you!


	83. Chapter 83

Sorry! I've been working on this post for a while, but I kept on putting it off. and now I'm traveling and Wi-Fi is hard to come by. Also, I'm on the other side of the globe and in another hemisphere and will be for the entire term. Don't worry, there will be updates, though it may be another while before the next one comes.

Try not to break too many Rules while I'm gone! Remember to review!

* * *

"Where are they?" O'Shea cried impatiently. "I'm going to be late!"

Where are who?" Soren asked.

"Not who, what," O'Shea replied. "The Rules!"

West had to lift her plate out of the way as her PADD went off. "Article! Hurry up and unlock it!"

* * *

1661. *The shuttle pods are not to be used as a place to hold a "romantic" date.

1662a. *No, Mr. Spock will not use the Vulcan death grip on people you don't like.

1662b. *There is no Vulcan death grip.

1662c. *There totally is!

1662d. *No!

1662e. *Yes!

1662f. *Rule #77a!

1663a. *"I haven't had my coffee yet" is not an excuse to blow something up.

1663b. *Or set something on fire.

1663c. *Or engage in otherwise destructive behavior.

1664. *You should not shout "Yo Joe!" before going into battle. It ruins the element of surprise, and distracts your fellow crew members named Joe, Jo, Joseph, Mary Jo, Josephine, and Jo'Mar.

1665. *Please stop referring to Security Officer Richard Grayson as "Robin", "Dick", "Nightwing", or "Batman Lite". He is prepared to showcase the fine art of stick fighting to the next person who calls him that.

1666. Look, it's a nice car and yeah we're secretly bringing it to a senior officer's brother, but taking it for joy rides in the cargo bay isn't the best idea, especially when you leave tire marks. The Admirals aren't supposed to know about the car!

1667. *"Age is but a number" is not something to tell Captain Kirk when a cadet walks past. You will regret it.

1668. If your equipment does not come standard with a camera, you may not add one.

1669. Whoever installed the talking GPS into the navigation console, the entire Navigation department requests that you uninstall it and not do this again.

1670a. Do not put any old license plates on the _Enterprise_'s hull.

1670b. What was it this time?

1670c. Kansas, KAZ 2Y5.

1670d. That's mine! No I didn't put it outside, but it vanished from my room a few days ago!

1671. Don't steal other people's license plates…?

1672. *No, you can't take a day off on Black Friday.

1673. *Don't hide monkeys in the Jefferies Tubes.

1673b. *Or tribbles.

1673c. *Or Cyrano Jones.

1674. * Can somebody explain why there are metal robots running around Engineering (and preferably get rid of them) because Scotty is not going to be happy if someone's science experiment escaped _AGAIN_.

1675. Whoever keeps on leaving their manicure kit on the Bridge, please stop.

1676. No switching out the sheets in Sick Bay. Yes they're ugly, but we have to use them and not the polka dot ones you put in there last week.

1677. *The Gorn are not related to Doc Croc.

1678. *Please stop talking about how "kawaii" Sulu is, it is very annoying.

1679. *You cannot pain a shuttlecraft orange with the number "01" on the sides and a Confederate battle flag on top and call it the "General Lee". You also can't weld the doors of said shuttlecraft shut either as it is hard to climb through the windows.

1680. The writers of these Rules are not held accountable for any injuries that occur because of what is posted here.

* * *

O'Shea made it to his post with thirty seconds to spare.

* * *

Right, Rule #1661 is by _esp_, #1662a-1662c are from _Starship T.A.R.D.I.S_, as is #1674, #1664-1665 are by _ReniStar_, _sTbm77_ gave us #1667, _daniandan-TehWolfyBlake_ came up with #1672-1673c, #1677-1678 are by _Wolfy the Tea Loffer_, and #1679 is from _cd11_. Thank you!


End file.
